Women: It’s OK To Be Alone, Dammit
Remember not too long ago I wrote about women needing to get at their men first (and not other women) when they’ve been cheated on? Remember how I based that post on a chick I used to know and her drama she put out there on Twitter? Well, guess what? Her ass just showed me how truly lame she is. How the HELL are you going on and on about waste men …. not ever able to trust again …. you feel sorry for any guy you meet after this … and men are shit BUT you then turn around and say “single life sucks” and “I wanna trust him but I can’t” and “I’m falling for him” … WTF!?
Bitch you JUST got burned a few weeks ago and you’re already onto the next? How OLD are you? You are in your late 20’s acting like some highschool idiot! Christmas was apparently ruined because you found out your man was cheating on you with a REAL GIRL. You made her life hell, called her out her name, talked shit and then had the nerve to get your people involved. None of my business some might say? Well I read a lot. I browse the web to get topics like these to write about and when you put your business out there, BEST BELIEVE Corprah Lanfrey is gonna have something to say. Don’t like it? Oh well #kanyeshrug all over that ass.
Women. It’s OK to be alone, you know. It’s OK to not have a man in your midst every day and week of your life. Do you not LIKE yourself? Can you not embrace single life at ALL? Why do you ALWAYS need a man around to validate you? Your self-worth and self-love should NOT be due to what man or how many men you have surrounding you. I understand its easy to fall for someone and have that love for another but there comes a time when enough is enough. If you were so hurt and crying and torn up over being cheated on, I can ASSURE you that it will take more than a couple of weeks to get over that feeling – unless that feeling was a figment of your imagination and just a ruse to gain sympathy. NO ONE feels sorry for you. Just the opposite actually – people LAUGH at you. At the very least they’ll PITY you.
But that’s what it is. You don’t have any self-love or worth and a man validates you. Period. Your life is a joke. You can’t and don’t want to be seen as single because it makes you look bad, weak, unworthy of a man’s love but … did you ever think standing on your own two feet without a man actually makes you look strong and worthy? Having this man and that man around you and your daughter does nothing but reiterate what people already know. You’re easy. You’re the best person to target for whatever means you give them. It’s no wonder you constantly get burned and hurt. You bring it on yourself. It’s so funny. The famous saying “Fool me once, shame on you … fool me twice, shame on me” REALLY APPLIES TO YOUR LIFE.
Try being alone and learning to love yourself. LIKE the time you spend with yourself. Get to know who you are before you present that person to another. Genuinely be READY for a relationship rather than jumping in and out of them. The fact you show these all over the place sentiments about countless men show just how pathetic you truly are. I’m ashamed to have ever befriended you and I don’t understand how ANYONE can be your friend and not tell you what I’m telling you – but, hey, the truth hurts. Too bad you fucked me over or I’d sit you down and tell you this in the best way I could. That’s what a real friend does. A real friend wouldn’t encourage this behaviour. A real friend will tell you and call you out on your fuckery but thats not what you want – which is why you switch friends like girls switch their panties.
Anyway, this is a rant I, all of a sudden, no longer want to continue. I hope one day you will act your age, get your shit together and stop being so damn boy crazy. Loser.
A Smogasbord Of Topics On Sex, Love, Platonic Friendships and Relationships
I will try to not spend a lot of time on each one because this could get to be a LONG post. I was speaking with a male friend of mine for the better part of the morning and early afternoon with regards to the aforementioned topics and I’ve re-thought a lot of my stances on certain things and was reaffirmed in others. I wanted to share parts of the conversation in this post as well as put y’all onto some insight that I received.
First Topic: Sex
Let’s not kid ourselves, folks. I know most of my readers are grown (or at least I hope so). Sex isn’t some taboo subject. I’m sure we can all agree no matter HOW we get down, it feels good. It’s desired, wanted and for some of us needed. It’s an important part of a relationship but it’s not THE most important. But if sex isn’t good between yourself and your parter are you really willing to go the distance with them? Teach them, people say, but not everyone can be taught to satisfy you the way you need to be satisfied. My problem with sex is that us women are emotional thinkers and feelers and very rarely will you come across a woman that can’t have sex without becoming attached. Not always right away but eventually feelings crop up and women are usually the ones left hurt and shocked as to how and why a man could sleep with her so many times and not develop feelings. It’s possible ladies. Men are VERY good at keeping the two seperate and while its not an excuse or a justification, men CAN cheat on you and still love you. It isn’t right to US but in their minds, sex really IS just sex. Anyway, before I stray too far from the matter at hand, I used to believe sex was OK between two consenting adults, even if they weren’t involved in a relationship. A part of me still feels that way and I would never judge anyone that does that – it would make me hypocritical. I personally just got tired of it and said, no more sex unless a relationship is happening. Why? It complicates matters WAY TOO MUCH. People always show their good side in the beginning but we ALL change within time and sex only hurries that up. Besides, with Maury in business and diseases rearing their ugly head at every corner you actually have MORE reasons to wait rather than rush with someone. I always say, porn can and should be your best friend. It won’t ever let you down 😉 Pun intended.
Next Topic: Love
I no longer believe true love exists. I’m sorry but that’s just how I feel. I have been through a lot on my OWN to come to this conclusion and I’ve seen my friends go through things. My thoughts on true love don’t include the love you have for your family or children. I am speaking exclusively about relationships between you and someone else (a partner if you will). A lot of people will say loving someone and being in love with someone are different and I am one of those people. I can love you the first day I meet you and not feel any kind of way about that emotion but it will take me a GOOD long time to fall IN love with you. That, to me, is what true love is: to be completely madly in love. Loving someone is giving your heart to them and trusting them to not break it. These days I don’t see myself falling in love with anyone. That takes too much trust in another person. I don’t trust people anymore. The reason is that I can only go by what you show me, I’m not psychic therefore I have to take you at your word and quite frankly it’s VERY easy to lie and SHOW people what you want them to see. I’ve done it when it needed to be done and while I’m not proud I know if I can do it then someone can do it to me. It may be a sad and pessimistic way to view people but it is what it is. We all draw these sorts of conclusions from personal experiences and my personal experience is that I’ve been lied to and deceived one too many times to have any kind of trust for anyone. Even if you bent over backwards to get me to trust you, chances are I would still be skeptical about something. I hope in time this will go away but for right now, and I live in the NOW, I don’t see it changing. Love should never hurt or make you cry or make you doubt yourself. Sure, no one is perfect and we all have our disagreements and arguments but where in the “love book” does it say consistently doubting yourself and second guessing your relationship is what love is all about? Love can be the most beautiful experience and the most painful. I’m just glad that I experienced true love at least ONCE in my life, and that is probably the only thing keeping me from swearing it off altogether. As I said, I DO hope it changes in time but right now, I’m not so sure. I’m ok with that, too. I came to terms with it a long time ago. It isn’t sad to me. If anything it makes me smart and very aware.
Next Topic: Platonic Friendships
I used to think men and women could never be friends unless one party was ugly or gay. I still feel that way but I’ve tweaked my feelings a bit. As I mentioned in the opening bit, I was talking to a male friend of mine and he is indeed a male FRIEND. We haven’t hung out but once, and it was briefly at my home and then at an event, but nonetheless he is my friend. Over the 3 or so years that I’ve known him we have had some deep conversations and this one was no different. He is NOT ugly nor is he gay. He is actually quite attractive and I find him absolutely adorable. Physically there is nothing wrong with him at all. However, I don’t want him. I have my reasons. And, from what I know, he doesn’t want me either. I don’t wonder what it would be like to sleep with him though I imagine we are probably sexually compatible based on conversations we’ve had – lol. I feel comfortable with him and I believe if he were at my house late at night and we were alone I would not feel like he would make a move on me nor me on him. Even if alcohol was involved. Sometimes you just don’t see it happening with someone, he is that person for me. So, I have FINALLY found a guy I would love to kick it with on a regular basis because I’m not afraid of any “problems” happening but alas, he lives too far. Sucks. So my view on platonic relationships is that men and women CAN be friends, even if they are both good looking, however, it has to be previously determined that neither one wants the other and this must be STATED clearly. I think its rare, and in many cases quite unlikely but not impossible.
Next Topic: Relationships
It’s been a long time since I was in one. I was involved in a 3 year long distance relationship which I now realize wasn’t a relationship at all. I’ve finally written those three years of my life off. Sad but true. Three years at my age is a lot of time to waste. I feel like 50% of that time was wasted because I gave up a lot of better opportunities for love that probably won’t ever happen again and my negative feelings about marriage and trust and relationships are BECAUSE of those three years. BUT 50% of that time was a learning experience. Because of this person I now know what a liar and a deceiver looks like. I’ve gotten to know that type VERY well and I am so aware of what the signs are for next time. I guess thats the most important thing to take from it. If you were dicked around, it’s important you LEARN from it and learn from it I did. Anyway, with all that said, I still want a relationship. Why? Because that’s who I am. I’m better in a committed relationship. I don’t do well dating and sleeping around. It’s not who I am and its never who I’ll be. BUT, I am good and better in a GOOD relationship (keyword: good, folks) and those are hard to find. Everyone seems to want to be sleeping around and are OK with that. No one seems to want a relationship anymore. People are writing off fidelity or getting in a relationship and then cheating on their partner. WTF? I don’t understand that – if you aren’t ready for a relationship then be single and sleep around. Why bring someone down because you want to have your cake and eat it too? Just be single and do that – if anything do it for yourself. You have less stress this way. Everyone seems to want to live the high life and live a life full of risks and high stakes. I don’t want to play that game. I have a lot to offer someone and when I love someone I love with all my heart, its just finding someone willing of my love that I find difficult. It’s finding someone that will give just as much, if not more than me, that I find difficult. Even with all that said, I’m willing to stay open minded because I am waiting to meet that gentleman that will change my feelings on true love. I’m waiting for someone to show me that I can fall in love and that I can trust them. If it takes me a good while to do that so be it. I’m in no rush. I’ve never been one to half ass anything so why change now?
In conclusion, my stance on these matters have frequently been tweaked and changed based on experiences I’ve had in my life but the one thing thats remained constant is my self love, self worth and declaration that I will not settle and allow someone to walk over me. Love clouds your judgement in people and while some may have, for a short time, caused me to second guess my declaration, it never lasted because no major life decisions or changes were EVER made. I always come to my senses if given enough time to sit and think about what’s really happening. I can live without sex, love and a relationship. Do I WANT to? No. But I CAN. And I WILL until I find something meaningful. If a lot more people took the time to do the same the world might not be so fucked up. Respect and love yourself and this will ultimately FORCE others to do the same.
Your Lack Of Confidence Is Transparent – Trust Me
I haven’t finished reading The Memory Keeper’s Daughter yet but I put it aside to read another book. I don’t want to say the title because I’m going to review it once I’m done. In any case it’s caused me to look at my life, specifically one aspect of it, and draw from it a conclusion I wasn’t willing to admit. To myself or others. But today, I’m going to put it all out there.
Women love attention, women crave attention and women need attention. We thrive on it. We get a compliment and we claim humbleness or act like we already know it but “thanks anyway”. There’s nothing wrong with wanting attention, sometimes. Right? Wrong. Why do you need attention? Why do you want attention? Why does anyone elses opinion matter? Here’s the deal: I’m guilty of it. I have done and said things for the SOLE purpose of getting a reaction. From friends, family, the opposite sex, etc. I knew what I was doing. We always know what we are doing. None of us are functionally stupid so therefore we are all well aware of what we’re doing. If you try to state otherwise you are lying to yourself and you are in heavy denial. What separates me from you is that I can admit it. To myself and to whomever is reading this post right now. I have posed for a picture provocatively, angled my camera to capture my cleavage seductively, I’ve flirted with the intent to tease and the list goes on and on. What separates me from you is that I’ve decided to grow up, now. Time to be a WOMAN. I’m no longer a girl. I no longer need to look to others to define who I am. I’ve actually been this way for a couple years now, but I still did my thing here and there to “see if I still had it”. Sad, eh?
I’ve decided that I did it for acceptance. I’ve decided that despite my self love and confidence, on my “down days” I used other people’s praise to lift me back up. I’ve decided that I convinced myself that was OK but then I realized: is that what I keep people around for? To boost me up? That realization is just as bad as realizing I’ve actually come to care what strangers think of me. How pathetic. And with that realization came a power. I AM good enough. I AM smart enough. I AM pretty enough and even if its on my terms, it’s OK.
I’ve seen some real pathetic people in my day. And maybe they have seen the same in me – I’m almost sure at one time or another someone said to themselves: “That girl is trying SO hard to be noticed”. I won’t go in detail about some of the people that were the reason behind me writing this blog, because if you know me you’ll know RIGHT away who I’m talking about but the people that claim to be so confident and give off that air are the most insecure people because they take a gazillion photos of themselves, seek out compliments and then rarely say thank you to the subservient “fans” that hang on their every word. You are not a queen or king. You don’t have to sit upon your throne and ignore the commoners. Last I checked you weren’t much of anything. Except someone that sought out attention. These “fans” make you who you are. Remember that. If you are going to try SOOOO hard to get the reaction you wanted, the very LEAST you could do is thank them. Have some manners.
They THEN make the excuse that “Oh, well I get so many compliments and emails and notifications that I can’t possibly thank everyone …” Think about that for a minute then. If you get so many it means you put OUT too many. Idiot. Furthermore they think people are stupid. They add a couple “bad” pics and call out their flaws to gain sympathy or hear someone say “oh no no you don’t look bad at all”. Trust me, I know all about that. It’s the get yourself before they get you mentality. Make fun of yourself before someone else can, that way it won’t hurt as bad or cut as deep. Old trick. Its as obvious as the sky is blue.
Almost as bad as the people putting themselves out there for consumption, are the people that are so blind and stupid to see it. They are the same ones, like lost puppies, cheering these self loathing creatures on. I speak from experience because I’ve HAD them. You can easily tell when someone is so far up your ass. You either do one of two things with that: a) keep them around for an ego boost or b) cut their pathetic ass loose. Most women opt for choice A because who would ever think of getting rid of someone that makes you feel so great about yourself? But you people being kept around, ask yourselves, what do YOU get in return? Anything? I can bet you get SHIT. If you’re happy being a dirty carpet that someone wipes their shoes on, keep doing you. You will never have that chance, you will never get to hang out and you probably won’t ever get that phone call. You are being TOLERATED. In any other scenario, you’d be a BOTHER. A NUISANCE. And you probably know this but your pathetic ass is hopeful. Aww, how cute. I had to let all those people go. It was as much out of guilt as it was out of pity.
I get angry … because I’ve been on both sides of the coin. I’ve been used and I’ve used others. The change comes when you realize BOTH are wrong. Stop putting your self worth and value in other people’s hands. If you are one of those people that SEE others for what they are, whether its someone seeking or attention or someone giving that attention seeker what they want, don’t add to it. I can see, clear as day, the people that do the shit they do. Takes one to know one. I am NOT helping them along. No ma’am. I shake my head, laugh and keep it moving. I was no better than they are. However, the difference between you and I is I’ve realized the error of my ways and I’m making the necessary changes. Difference between you and I is that I’m a GROWN WOMAN, you are still a CHILD. Difference between you and I is that I don’t need anyone to TELL me how great I am, I already know. And don’t try to tell yourself you do it because you “like” it or are bored. There are other things to do with your time but when you get so used to attention YOU ask for, you don’t know how to do anything else. If you love yourself as much as you think you do, if you are as awesome as you say you are, you don’t need a fan club. You’re not famous. Stop fooling yourself. You’re as transparent as glass.
Diddy Love/Hate
This was just so funny to me. At first I was like: “is this even a real ad or what!?” Needless to say this could be old but it still made me laugh-out-loud. If this pic doesn’t epitomize Diddy, I’m not sure what will.
Rocky Paths Always Lead To Sunny Pastures
I don’t want to get older but at the same time I do. Let’s see if I can be clear and explain this to you guys.
I was talking with my girl tonight and I realized something. I am VERY happy and open to saying goodbye to my 20’s and hello to my 30’s. Now, I have a couple more years ’til I’m there but I can’t stress enough how my time is NOW. I feel like I’ve been in my 20’s forever. I’ve gone through so much. I’ve been engaged, had many career changes, am fully responsible for someone other than myself, I’ve become my OWN investment, I’ve had meaningful and meaningless relationships, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been used, I’ve been abused. I’ve loved and been loved, and I’ve won and lost. But I’m still here and I’m strong. I’ve realized what people have been saying for years. Your 20’s are a time for discovery and self evaluation and reflection. Your 30’s are then spent enjoying what you’ve learned. I’ve spent my 20’s getting to know myself. Love myself. Accept myself. I’m now ready to start ENJOYING this person I’ve learned to love and accept because Lord knows there were times where I couldn’t stand who I was.
I’m happy to embrace my 30’s because as much as I appreciate the growth I’ve achieved and while I will always continue to grow, I have a better understanding of self now. I have a renewed and refreshed confidence. I’ve finally started listening to all the amazing advice I give to others but never to myself. I’m just in a good place. I feel stronger than I have in ages. I believe this is as much of me getting older as it’s due to eliminating stress out of my life. I don’t remember the last time I cried over a bill payment or some kind of debt, or some situation at home or with friends. And a man? I haven’t allowed myself to shed not ONE tear over a man in MONTHS. If I felt like I was becoming cold or distant, I’d probably be worried. But, I’m not cold or distant, I’m secure and beautifully flawed. I am me. And I love who I am. I really do.
It used to never be enough that I was just a good person to those around me. I couldn’t understand why, if I was such a good person, I had all this pain in my life. I realized what and who that was. It was me. I was doing it to myself. I complained but never acted. I was in denial and blamed others. We all know the saying, people only do to you what you allow them to. I allowed people to take advantage or make me feel less of myself. I even allowed a man to make me think I was crazy for a hot minute. Never again. It’s been a learning process. A long one – lol. I remember when I turned 20. And I will remember the day I turn 30. 10 years is a LONG time. But when you GET there, when you REALLY GET THERE, that feeling is so good. That feeling is so relevant.
The older I get the less I tolerate people and their bull. But then I have to remember, everyone reaches the point I’m at now at different times. For instance, my mother is a major worry wart. She has been her entire life. And I would tell her all the time, “Mom. Stop stressing over things you cannot change”. And she would say she knew but would be stressing again within 24 hours. I never inherited that characteristic from her. If I can’t pay a bill on time, then I can’t pay the bill on time. Oh well. Next time I get paid, it’s covered. I’m not going to stress over something I can’t change. And people can berate and call me all they want. My bank account balance isn’t going to change with the louder your voice gets. My mother has to now take pills for high blood pressure. And NOW she’s not stressing about things. She can’t. Stress has claimed a bit of her health. I REFUSE to go that route. My mother stressed for as long as I can remember. The odd times I’d get stressed, I’d get sick. It manifests itself in so many ways for different people, but me? I get sick, migraines, vomiting, weight and even hair loss. Stress doesn’t agree with me, which is why I simply don’t stress these days. I’m so happy because of it, too. But you see, this no stress thing is not something you can tell someone. They have to reach that point on their own. However, I definitely want to share my experience so as to maybe have one person look deeper into their own life.
It’s a maturity and growth you have to feel deep within you to understand what I’m saying right now. I just feel like when life gets you down, you gotta hit that low and bounce right back up. I have had many lows but I haven’t had a low in a GOOD while. I got rid of a lot of shit that was holding me back and now my future looks so bright. It never really is too late to turn your life around to where you WANT it to be. Sometimes that path through the forest is curved, rocky and even has gashes in it and you have to take a HUGE detour but there is always a way out. Always. And when you walk off that path into sunny green pastures you can be proud to know you’ve arrived. I’m relishing in the fact that I am now sitting amongst flowers in my pasture. And if I feel this good right now, I am overjoyed at the possibilities my life will bring me in the near future.
God Bless.
Corprah Lanfrey 