Taking Relationship Advice From Your Single Friends

4 January 2011 at 8:57 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )


Why is this an issue with some people? I see ALL the time, people saying “Never take advice from a single person. They won’t give you nothing but a jaded outlook and besides, they’re probably jealous of your relationship anyway.” or “Asking advice from single people is like asking parenting advice from someone that doesn’t have or want children.”

LMAO. What!? That’s the biggest amount of crap I’ve ever heard. People should stop putting themselves on a pedestal and flattering themselves. NO relationship is perfect, therefore NO ONE needs to be jealous of you and your partner, number one. Number two, parenting is WAY different from being taken vs. being single. You could have HAD a relationship and gained a great amount of knowledge from it but are now single but being a parent is something you absolutely HAVE to have had experienced before you can give out advice. The two are NOT  the same and not comparable at all.

I know the problem stems mostly from women asking other women and men saying “Stop asking your bitter friends about love -they’ll only tell you I ain’t shit anyway” but the onus is on you to ask the right people. If you know you have bitter friends, don’t ask them about love. You should know better. I think that makes sense.

Here’s the thing: First of all, unless you asked your friend for advice no one should be giving it to you ANYWAY because that’s just drama waiting to happen but, if you DO ask for advice, are you saying you would only ask someone who’s currently in a relationship? Why?

Unless you have a friend that’s never been in a relationship to understand relationship woes, why would you not ask their opinion on something if you really needed to? As it was aforementioned, you wouldn’t ask a non-parent, parenting advice, so why would you ask a person that’s never been in a relationship for advice? BUT, know that JUST because they are single NOW it doesn’t mean they’ve always been single. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship longer than the one you are in. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship or two more than you have. Their advice is no less qualified than someone who’s currently involved. Furthermore, the person that’s in a relationship that you happen to ask could STILL be jealous of your relationship. Besides, what they’re going through in THEIR life could be the exact opposite of what you’re going through in yours, therefore they could STILL give you jaded and bad advice. Your relationship is YOURS. Their relationship is THEIRS.

Also, if you need to seek out the opinions of others with regards to your relationship, YOU could very well have a bigger issue. When you need opinions, depending on the topic at heart, you should very well be communicating openly and talking to your significant other, not spilling the beans and chatting your business to other people. All that being said, SOMETIMES you DO need advice from trusted friends and family and that’s fine but you shouldn’t be discriminating about who you ask JUST because they’re single. You could be missing out on life experiences that directly reflect the issue you may be curious about.

Don’t be so quick to judge and assume. You really end up looking stupid and immature when you say things that clearly haven’t been fully thought through. Some of my very best advice came from someone who had been where I currently was and by chance was now single but they VERY MUCH understood what I was going through and them offering me their perspective helped me to see things differently. People NOT in your same situation usually paint a very realistic picture while you remain blinded and jaded by love. You don’t HAVE to take their advice – you should definitely be making your own decisions – but others’ perspectives can often aid you in making a decision best for you.

People fail to realize that simply asking someone’s perspective on a topic is really not about their current relationship status but more on their life experiences and understanding of how relationships work. The only people you shouldnt be taking relationship advice from are people who have never HAD a relationship. DUH. What’s so hard to understand about this?

Having a significant other that is friends with ONLY single people (who fail to understand he or she has a commitment and can no longer do “single” things) is COMPLETELY different from sitting down and having a discussion about relationships and what someone’s thoughts are on a matter.

Know that difference.

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Words To Live By …

7 May 2009 at 2:46 pm (Life) (, , , , , , )


“…. when you meet someone who is truly great, he makes you believe you can be great, too. This is the kind of relationship you want, and its the only relationship worth having.” – Sherry Argov

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Words To Live By ….

3 May 2009 at 12:43 pm (Life) (, , , , , )


…. “The most important relationship you will have in your life, is the relationship with yourself.”-Diane Von Fustenberg

So, get to know and LOVE who you are. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, you will always be with yourself. Think about it. Genuinely love yourself. Genuinely respect yourself. Put yourself on a pedestal. You are worthy of nothing less.

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Rocky Paths Always Lead To Sunny Pastures

21 March 2009 at 11:39 pm (Life) (, , , , , , , , )


I don’t want to get older but at the same time I do. Let’s see if I can be clear and explain this to you guys.

I was talking with my girl tonight and I realized something. I am VERY happy and open to saying goodbye to my 20’s and hello to my 30’s. Now, I have a couple more years ’til I’m there but I can’t stress enough how my time is NOW. I feel like I’ve been in my 20’s forever. I’ve gone through so much. I’ve been engaged, had many career changes, am fully responsible for someone other than myself, I’ve become my OWN investment, I’ve had meaningful and meaningless relationships, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been used, I’ve been abused. I’ve loved and been loved, and I’ve won and lost. But I’m still here and I’m strong.  I’ve realized what people have been saying for years. Your 20’s are a time for discovery and self evaluation and reflection. Your 30’s are then spent enjoying what you’ve learned. I’ve spent my 20’s getting to know myself. Love myself. Accept myself. I’m now ready to start ENJOYING this person I’ve learned to love and accept because Lord knows there were times where I couldn’t stand who I was.

I’m happy to embrace my 30’s because as much as I appreciate the growth I’ve achieved and while I will always continue to grow, I have a better understanding of self now. I have a renewed and refreshed confidence. I’ve finally started listening to all the amazing advice I give to others but never to myself. I’m just in a good place. I feel stronger than I have in ages. I believe this is as much of me getting older as it’s due to eliminating stress out of my life. I don’t remember the last time I cried over a bill payment or some kind of debt, or some situation at home or with friends. And a man? I haven’t allowed myself to shed not ONE tear over a man in MONTHS. If I felt like I was becoming cold or distant, I’d probably be worried. But, I’m not cold or distant, I’m secure and beautifully flawed. I am me. And I love who I am. I really do.

It used to never be enough that I was just a good person to those around me. I couldn’t understand why, if I was such a good person, I had all this pain in my life. I realized what and who that was. It was me. I was doing it to myself. I complained but never acted. I was in denial and blamed others. We all know the saying, people only do to you what you allow them to. I allowed people to take advantage or make me feel less of myself. I even allowed a man to make me think I was crazy for a hot minute. Never again. It’s been a learning process. A long one – lol. I remember when I turned 20. And I will remember the day I turn 30. 10 years is a LONG time. But when you GET there, when you REALLY GET THERE, that feeling is so good. That feeling is so relevant.

The older I get the less I tolerate people and their bull. But then I have to remember, everyone reaches the point I’m at now at different times. For instance, my mother is a major worry wart. She has been her entire life. And I would tell her all the time, “Mom. Stop stressing over things you cannot change”.  And she would say she knew but would be stressing again within 24 hours. I never inherited that characteristic from her. If I can’t pay a bill on time, then I can’t pay the bill on time. Oh well. Next time I get paid, it’s covered. I’m not going to stress over something I can’t change. And people can berate and call me all they want. My bank account balance isn’t going to change with the louder your voice gets. My mother has to now take pills for high blood pressure. And NOW she’s not stressing about things. She can’t. Stress has claimed a bit of her health. I REFUSE  to go that route. My mother stressed for as long as I can remember. The odd times I’d get stressed, I’d get sick. It manifests itself in so many ways for different people, but me? I get sick, migraines, vomiting, weight and even hair loss. Stress doesn’t agree with me, which is why I simply don’t stress these days. I’m so happy because of it, too. But you see, this no stress thing is not something you can tell someone. They have to reach that point on their own. However, I definitely want to share my experience so as to maybe have one person look deeper into their own life.

It’s a maturity and growth you have to feel deep within you to understand what I’m saying right now. I just feel like when life gets you down, you gotta hit that low and bounce right back up. I have had many lows but I haven’t had a low in a GOOD while. I got rid of a lot of shit that was holding me back and now my future looks so bright. It never really is too late to turn your life around to where you WANT it to be. Sometimes that path through the forest is curved, rocky and even has gashes in it and you have to take a HUGE detour but there is always a way out.  Always. And when you walk off that path into sunny green pastures you can be proud to know you’ve arrived. I’m relishing in the fact that I am now sitting amongst flowers in my pasture. And if I feel this good right now, I am overjoyed at the possibilities my life will bring me in the near future.

God Bless.

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I Grew Up Today

4 September 2008 at 11:17 pm (Beauty, Health & Fitness, Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Saying you are going to grow up one day, is the easiest thing in the world. Actually doing it, though? Hard as hell.

I’m sitting at work today and I’m trying to be cordial with him. I’m trying to offer something to him. A peace offering if you will. He refuses to take it. And, then, it hit me. I grew up today.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because I vowed when I started this blog I wouldn’t get personal. But sometimes you need to, if even just a bit, in order to showcase your point.

I used to be the type to hold grudges. To the point where it consumed me. Then I let all that shit go. I had to, for my sanity and for my health. I was stressing a lot and having migraines almost every day. But there was one person that could get underneath my skin like no other. One person that could push all my buttons and have me react in ways my own mother couldn’t. I asked myself why that was. WHY? He’s just a man. And I had to give it to myself straight. I had to be honest and bring it out. It’s not like I didn’t know. I did. I was in severe denial because I was in love.

I was too dependent on him for my sanity and happiness. So anytime he did something wrong, no matter HOW trivial, it shook me to my core. It threw me off balance. I realized that I’d become dependent and needy. All the things a woman should never be. Especially when it comes to a man.

I began to see that I was looking to him for validation and approval. And I wasn’t going to get it. Not from him. He’s not that type. He can’t and won’t validate me. It was HIS way of doing things. What I needed from him he refused to give me because it directly conflicted with his own needs. There would be no middle ground. And I knew this. But I still fought it. I hoped for change. I hoped for it to be better. He probably knew this but he wasn’t empathetic at all. Didn’t really seem to care. Didn’t feel like he had to. He wasn’t here to babysit me. I’m a grown ass woman. Apparently.

I needed to grow up.

The past few days I’ve thought about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that accountability is probably the most important part of growing up. Not blaming someone else for your problems and issues. Not holding someone else responsible for your indiscretions and not manipulating situations so that you are always right. Taking accountability for this and giving myself the truth talk has shown me I’ve finally grown up.

Sure I was paying bills. Sure I was living on my own. Sure I was holding down a full time job and more and more and more. But I was far from grown. I was young minded and still naive DESPITE thinking I was good to go. I thought I was GROWN.

I had sought advice about friendships and relationships from other people without first going to said friend or boyfriend. I wasn’t even asking MYSELF what I thought of the situation. I’d make up my mind without thought and then hear what I needed to from a biased person and that was it. That’s all there was. I wasn’t giving myself enough time to sit and reflect on a situation. But last night I laid my cards out on the table and while it killed me to do it, my heart was immediately lifted. My entire mind and body felt 1000X lighter.

The weight you discard when you have that shining moment is monumental. You IMMEDIATELY feel like the world has been taken off your shoulders. You smile more, even in the face of adversity. You laugh more, you hold your head higher. It just becomes a better and brighter day.

Today I grew up.

And I’m a better woman for it. I still have more things to learn of course, therefore I still have to grow. We are always growing. But today I grew UP. There’s a difference. And thank God it happened now. Today, I’m confident enough to say (and believe) I AM a grown woman.

I can honestly say, that I’m truly, genuinely happy (save for my crap job – ugh). But it’s OK because I’m working on a MAJOR change regarding the world of work. I just have to be smart about it.

[Audio=http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/1/18/1707081/Allen%20Anthony%20-%20Alright.mp3]

I was reminded of this track as I wrote this blog. There are no coincidences in life, I believe.

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