Snooping Rather That Communicating

15 January 2011 at 2:11 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

Well, well, well. I was on a forum recently where this topic came up and I was shocked this wasn’t something I had written about on here ever. If I have its evading me right now. I have a LOT of experience with this – LOL.

Anyway, what I’m talking about right now is snooping in the relationship. Snooping through your partners phones, emails, pockets and social network accounts. Is this right or wrong? When, if ever, is it acceptable? Does everyone do it? And how can this be avoided, if at all.

A lot of people will say they don’t snoop through their partners’ things but we all have at one time or another. If you say you haven’t then I guess you are better than the rest of us. Women, especially, will try to say they haven’t, in order to look like it’s below them to do such a thing but the ones adamantly saying they haven’t are usually the ones that have. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it but I’ve done it. Men, will say they haven’t simply because snooping is a “female trait” but how WRONG they are. I’ve dealt with and heard the most stories of men that snoop through their girls’ private life to find out things about her whereabouts and actions. At the end of the day, men AND women are guilty of this. Where does it stem from? Insecurity? Many people will say yes but personally, I feel like if you don’t give me a reason to snoop I won’t feel I have to. Bottom line. That’s nothing to do with insecurity. Your job in a relationship is to keep that other person feeling like they are the only one in your life, that they mean a lot to you, that they are special. If both people do their jobs, snooping will never, ever be an issue, unless the person IS just crazy and insecure and nothing you do appeases them, but if that’s the case you have a BIGGER problem on your hands. Anyway, I’m rambling ….

Here’s the thing, folks. We all know invasion of privacy is wrong. We all know if we had someone going through OUR shit, we’d be livid and feel disrespected and mistrusted, thus, we know snooping is wrong. BUT, is it EVER justified? I’ll be the first person to say, without apology, that it sure is. Again, it’s not RIGHT or acceptable but a lot of things aren’t “right” or acceptable and people do them everyday. So long as you have a legitimate reason to go looking for proof of infidelity or deceit then I say do what you have to do.

BUT ….

This should only be a last resort, people. This is ONLY something you should do if you have asked your partner about their behaviours or secrecies prior. You cannot just, out of nowhere, feel you’re going to go through your partners’ phone and emails because you have a hunch or are  having an insecure day. You can’t do this. There’s no justification there. None. BUT, if your partner has been acting shady or weird or is keeping secrets from you then you should talk to them about it. Voice your concerns with things you are noticing or seeing. Depending on HOW you approach the situation and WHAT you say, if there is nothing to hide, your partner will not take offense – it will be a conversation and not a confrontation. He/she may even SHOW you there is nothing to worry about. At this point you mind is at ease and if the trust is there, that will be good enough for you. If the trust ISN’T there, chances are you will need to ASK them to see there’s nothing to hide. This can go three ways:

1. your partner will let you see and nothing will be found. The problem with this is even though you weren’t accusatory they now feel they aren’t trusted and may withdraw from you even more.

2. your partner may have nothing to hide but they feel mistrusted and are offended you would ask them to see their private interactions with other people. This type of person usually doesn’t in ANY way understand why they were asked in the first place. They’re oblivious to their own behaviours, usually.

3. They have everything to hide and will manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about even asking. They will turn it around on you to make you feel like YOU are in the wrong. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy and insecure and even though you know you aren’t these things, you will start to feel like maybe they’re right. They will NOT show you anything and based on their adamant and belligerent response you know something is going on. So, you are left to take matters into your own hands. #3 was my last relationship.

The thing is, communication is and should work every time but that’s not always the case. It takes TWO people to communicate and if both parties don’t feel the same away about it, there’s no point. It has to be noted that when you go looking for things, you WILL find them. If you’re convinced your partner is cheating or doing things with other women you will not stop until you find that proof. This leads us to the bigger problem. If you feel this strongly about your significant other than that should say a LOT about the strength and status of your relationship. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking you need to be looking in your woman’s phone. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking your man is devoting attention you deserve to other women on social networking sites.

While snooping can be a problem, the bigger issue is that you have no trust in your relationship and what is a relationship without trust?

I’ve always said, if I snoop and find nothing I’ll leave it alone but what am I going to do? Change that whenever another situation comes up? Of course not. I’d go crazy. BUT, if my man isn’t willing to make me feel secure to the point where I’d never even have to DREAM of going through his things (as I of course would do for him in return) then why am I with him? No one wants to be accused of doing shady things behind their partners’ backs but at the same time NO ONE wants to be anyone’s fool and played for a sucker.

Take yourself for example, look at YOUR actions – if you’ve never done anything to make your man/woman feel like they need to snoop and they have, then this is an issue of theirs and you need to figure out if you can deal with someone like that. If your actions ARE questionable then no it doesn’t make their snooping excusable but their reasoning for doing it CAN be justified. If you don’t want to be checked up on then change your behaviours.  Simple. No one is right or wrong. No one wins in this situation.

I still say talking things out is always better. I still say if you’re gonna really go snooping, make sure you’ve exhausted all your other options. I still say if you plan on being with someone you have to constantly check up on, then you probably need to find someone else. And I still say, snooping isn’t as wrong as anyone thinks – provided there’s just cause.


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Taking Relationship Advice From Your Single Friends

4 January 2011 at 8:57 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

Why is this an issue with some people? I see ALL the time, people saying “Never take advice from a single person. They won’t give you nothing but a jaded outlook and besides, they’re probably jealous of your relationship anyway.” or “Asking advice from single people is like asking parenting advice from someone that doesn’t have or want children.”

LMAO. What!? That’s the biggest amount of crap I’ve ever heard. People should stop putting themselves on a pedestal and flattering themselves. NO relationship is perfect, therefore NO ONE needs to be jealous of you and your partner, number one. Number two, parenting is WAY different from being taken vs. being single. You could have HAD a relationship and gained a great amount of knowledge from it but are now single but being a parent is something you absolutely HAVE to have had experienced before you can give out advice. The two are NOT  the same and not comparable at all.

I know the problem stems mostly from women asking other women and men saying “Stop asking your bitter friends about love -they’ll only tell you I ain’t shit anyway” but the onus is on you to ask the right people. If you know you have bitter friends, don’t ask them about love. You should know better. I think that makes sense.

Here’s the thing: First of all, unless you asked your friend for advice no one should be giving it to you ANYWAY because that’s just drama waiting to happen but, if you DO ask for advice, are you saying you would only ask someone who’s currently in a relationship? Why?

Unless you have a friend that’s never been in a relationship to understand relationship woes, why would you not ask their opinion on something if you really needed to? As it was aforementioned, you wouldn’t ask a non-parent, parenting advice, so why would you ask a person that’s never been in a relationship for advice? BUT, know that JUST because they are single NOW it doesn’t mean they’ve always been single. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship longer than the one you are in. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship or two more than you have. Their advice is no less qualified than someone who’s currently involved. Furthermore, the person that’s in a relationship that you happen to ask could STILL be jealous of your relationship. Besides, what they’re going through in THEIR life could be the exact opposite of what you’re going through in yours, therefore they could STILL give you jaded and bad advice. Your relationship is YOURS. Their relationship is THEIRS.

Also, if you need to seek out the opinions of others with regards to your relationship, YOU could very well have a bigger issue. When you need opinions, depending on the topic at heart, you should very well be communicating openly and talking to your significant other, not spilling the beans and chatting your business to other people. All that being said, SOMETIMES you DO need advice from trusted friends and family and that’s fine but you shouldn’t be discriminating about who you ask JUST because they’re single. You could be missing out on life experiences that directly reflect the issue you may be curious about.

Don’t be so quick to judge and assume. You really end up looking stupid and immature when you say things that clearly haven’t been fully thought through. Some of my very best advice came from someone who had been where I currently was and by chance was now single but they VERY MUCH understood what I was going through and them offering me their perspective helped me to see things differently. People NOT in your same situation usually paint a very realistic picture while you remain blinded and jaded by love. You don’t HAVE to take their advice – you should definitely be making your own decisions – but others’ perspectives can often aid you in making a decision best for you.

People fail to realize that simply asking someone’s perspective on a topic is really not about their current relationship status but more on their life experiences and understanding of how relationships work. The only people you shouldnt be taking relationship advice from are people who have never HAD a relationship. DUH. What’s so hard to understand about this?

Having a significant other that is friends with ONLY single people (who fail to understand he or she has a commitment and can no longer do “single” things) is COMPLETELY different from sitting down and having a discussion about relationships and what someone’s thoughts are on a matter.

Know that difference.

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Social Media Doesn’t Ruin Relationships, People Do.

22 September 2010 at 2:52 pm (Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , , , , )

Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware of the troubles Facebook, Twitter and the internet as a whole can bring to a relationship, but let’s be clear here …. if your relationship isn’t solid,  social media outlets are only going to be fuel to an already raging fire.

I’ve had social media affect my relationships. How can they not? What your partner does online before your very eyes can be considered damning and disrespectful but at the end of the day, if you don’t trust them to do things like this ONLINE in front of your face, what do you think they do offline AWAY from you?

The bigger issue here is trust on a grander scale, not just trusting what your partner does on a website. If you can’t rely on your partner to do “the right thing” by you, by themselves and by your relationship, then Facebook, Twitter and the like are only a portion of your problem.

You can’t expect your partner to not flirt online if you do it yourself. You can’t expect to say “it’s just Facebook” if your partner is bothered by actions you’ve taken that hurt them.  You can’t write off what they say as insecurities or hogwash. Unless you deem them certifiably crazy, you’ve got to listen to their concerns and take them seriously. Then again, if you think they’re just insecure and crazy and making something out of nothing on a regular basis, why are you with them?

The inspiration behind this blog came from a guy I follow on Twitter, He said that if his girlfriend ever had Twitter, he wouldn’t follow her and maybe even block her because “twitter ruins relationships” to which I replied:  “So you would also have to make your page private so she couldn’t see what and who you tweet, right?”.  If I was his girlfriend, I’d think he had something to hide from me. He very well may not and may only be trying to preserve the relationship but I don’t much see the logic in preserving something that involves me all the while shutting me out JUST because you THINK what I see will cause me to act or feel a way. Why the secrecy? It’s an issue I’ve had to deal with personally and I’ve never been able to understand it or have someone explain it to me with validity.

There’s a difference between not being able to control what other people say, and doing things to others yourself. For example, if I was dating a guy and he had women fawning over him and complimenting him left and right I can’t fault HIM for it. Hell, if he’s sexy I can see why they would – but I would hold him accountable for how he responds to these women. If he says thank you and keeps it moving, good. If he engages in flirtatious banter, bad. If it’s the same girl over and over making suggestive comments then I’d hold them BOTH accountable. Her, for constantly chasing a man that’s taken and him for not making it clear he has a woman and isn’t interested. If that latter action is taken by him and she continues her pursuit, then she should be deleted because at that point she’s being blatantly disrespectful to me and my relationship and causing unnecessary trouble. This would seem easy, right? This would seem like the right thing to do but I’ve come across these situations, both personally and via other people’s’ stories to where the third-party was NOT deleted thus causing distrust and resentment.

Facebook, Twitter and such are only the means in which these people commit their  fuckery but its the PEOPLE in the situation ruining the relationship.

In a case like the one I mentioned all parties involved have a duty to handle the situation like mature adults and the two in the relationship will either make it a successful resolution or an unsuccessful one.

I don’t think its an insecurity or a “problem” for one party to voice their concerns about what is seen, said or done on a social networking site. I don’t think this makes anyone jealous. If it’s happening often you have to evaluate if they are doing it because you won’t make any changes or compromises or if they’re truly just trying to be controlling and demanding over you and the people you know. It’s a fine line, I understand but if their claims and examples are valid, where is the issue? There’s a level of comfort, patience and tolerance one can have when they feel threatened by someone infiltrating their relationship. A person will only take so much of someone interfering before they need to state their piece.  If you can’t understand or respect where they are coming from, the easiest thing to do is put yourself in their shoes.  Does it still seem so far-fetched then? I can bet you it doesn’t.

If you’re the type to chalk it up to the situation being “just online” then you have a deluded sense of reality. THESE days, even though a person can’t BLAME social media for the breakdown of a relationship, one CAN deduce that it can further crack an already broken foundation. What can “just be online” can quickly turn into something offline. Especially in my city. Everyone knows everyone and your paths WILL cross eventually.

Because of my personal experiences with this issue I’ve vowed to keep my relationship OFF the internet, at least until I’ve built a solid foundation with my partner. This doesn’t mean I’m going to allow certain things to slide should they happen but it just means my tolerance levels will be higher. I won’t have to worry about a third-party causing trouble if what he and I have is on point.

If you have trust issues with someone, they could shut down every account they have with a social networking site and it still won’t make you happy. If you don’t trust someone, you don’t trust someone. Period. Deleting accounts and certain troublemakers off those accounts may be a quick fix and a band-aid to an open wound but it’s not the resolution that will stand the test of time. Get your trust issues worked out and don’t blame a website for all your problems.

Take my word for it. I learned this the hard way.  And keep what’s closest to you and most private to YOURSELF. Allow people to know what you WANT them to know. What they NEED to know is subjective. The more you put yourself and your relationship out there for consumption, the more nosy people will be. There ARE assholes out there that like to cause trouble for no reason other than to do so. The last thing you’d want is to come across someone like that. If your relationship means that much to you, protect it at all costs …. by any means necessary – lol 😉

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I Won’t Let My Girl Do That!

24 May 2010 at 2:30 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants, WTF!?) (, , , , , , , , , )

I was laying in bed this morning having a conversation with someone about relationships, sex, wifey’s vs. hoes and etc.

We got onto the subject of men wanting a “freak in the sheets and a lady in the streets” and I said I was convinced that regardless of what men SAY they actually would take a “good girl” that’s OK or not so good in bed over a girl who was great in bed but maybe not so great in other areas (like being a good girlfriend). He told me I was wrong because for HIM if he took the girl who was OK in bed, he’s sure he would cheat on her within weeks.

Now, this isn’t to say we think sex is the most important part of a relationship – it isn’t. We did agree, however, that it’s up there. It’s important to have that compatibility and familiarity with your partner. It’s important to have passion and that bond physically with someone you are committed to, otherwise infidelity will rear its ugly head. How many times have you heard that when men cheat it’s just all about sex; nothing more, nothing less but when women cheat there is a degree of emotion involved? I believe that to be hogwash. If it was JUST sex when a man cheated why would he continue to go back to the same woman over and over. He’s getting what he wants. On more than just a sexual level and if what he wants he’s getting from someone other than his woman, WHY is he with her?

I brought up the fact that a lot of men will never wife a “freak” because for some the word “freak” is synonymous with the word “hoe”. Most people should know better but that’s the stigma that’s attached. It is how it is. A hoe and a freak do not HAVE to be the same thing. A woman could be her man’s personal freak and do all the things sexually to keep him happy and satisfied. This doesn’t make her a hoe. See what I mean? However, some guys refuse to differentiate the two. This is unfair.

The guy I was having this conversation with spoke of a guy he knew and how this guy wouldn’t allow his girl to give him oral pleasure. In the six years they’ve been together she’s never given him head once. “But when he wants his dick sucked he goes and cheats on her, doesn’t he?”  I asked. It felt more like a statement because I already knew the answer. The question was confirmed and my boy said his friend replied with “I wouldn’t let her do that. She’s the wife. She could be the mother of my children.”  How is it logical that you have a woman you love and respect and are with for 6 years but you can justify cheating on her because she’s wifey and wifey doesn’t do these sorts of things? To me that’s the most illogical bull crap I’ve ever heard. Your partner should be willing to do anything needed to keep you happy and satisfied, sexually, spiritually, emotionally … and it goes without saying that this works BOTH ways.

Why NOT do all the nasty, pleasurable, freaky things with your life partner than with some random chick? Sexuality is whatever you are comfortable with.You should be comfortable with your partner. I would never want my man to step out on me to get pleasure from someone else when I’m more than capable of giving it to him. In the case of the guy my boy told me about though, it appears that his woman never even had a chance or a choice. There’s a difference between willing to please and not knowing how or being able but when you aren’t even given the chance, that’s messed up!

Why would someone think that giving head is something only “hoes do” and wifed girls don’t do? Its 2010. WHY is there still a stigma attached to oral sex? My boy says it’s about trust. He tried to explain to me that the reason some men feel this way is because they figure if a girl is willing to do all these “freaky” things with them, chances are a man before them also experienced these things and guys don’t want to know some other man had what they have currently. But come on, unless you sleep with a virgin this is inevitable. Be secure and comfortable with your sexuality. That’s an insecurity issue. If you aren’t secure enough to be in a sexually mature relationship then DON’T BE IN ONE. Simple.

All this being said though, it makes me wonder. Should I be the kind of female that scales back her freakiness so that I can become wifed and take my chances of being cheated on or should I be true to my sexual self and be how I am and not have a relationship because a man thinks I’m a hoe because I do freaky things in the bedroom? WHAT KIND OF OPTIONS ARE THOSE? As a sexually independent woman, those options SUCK. Be a freak and be labelled a hoe and have no relationships or be a good girl in a relationship having basic sex with my man so he can go get freaked out by another woman (who – in his eyes is likely a  hoe). LOL! Illogical fuckery.

I know that not all guys feel this way but I’ve had this conversation with more than a few men and sadly I know more guys that feel this way than ones that don’t. I can usually understand where people are coming from regarding these things and I can see both sides to everything whether I agree or not but on THIS particular issue I can’t see the logic AT ALL. I don’t condone cheating or misleading anyone and I feel like if you want a girl that’s a freak then wife a girl that’s a freak – and again this doesn’t mean you wife a hoe. You wife a girl who keeps her freaky dealings behind closed doors. A girl that is what you want in private. There are women out there that are like that. Yes, it may be hard to find but when is finding your partner ever easy? A lot of things are hard to find these days. You know what it comes down to, though? Not rushing into things with people. Communicating. That’s it, that’s all.

If more people were communicating OPENLY about sex and sexuality before they got into a relationship, a lot of bullshit could be avoided later on. Sex shouldn’t be breaking up a partnership. Finances, lies, deceit (not sexually related) and other situations should be what contributes to a break up. Sex is easy. Sex feels good. Sex is pleasure. There is no reason why a couple should be breaking up over it. If you want head then why not have the woman you desire most give it to you? Wouldn’t it feel better? Wouldn’t it mean more? If she’s a prude and doesn’t do that then why did you even “wife” her in the first place? Cheating, no matter how you justify it is wrong, and if the woman you’ve been with for 6 years is too much of a Queen to suck your dick but some hoe in the street is, then maybe relationships and all they stand for just aren’t for you.

Find out what the hell you want, stop wasting people’s time.

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Relationships Are Like Jobs

10 April 2010 at 10:59 am (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

This is a no brainer. We’ve all heard this comparison before, right? Here’s the thing though:  Some people treat relationships like hard LABOUR! Relationships are hard work, sure. They’re like jobs, yes but they don’t have to be so hard.  The key to making every job easier is open communication with your co-worker or boss, or in the sense I’m speaking of – with your partner. Talking things out is always the best thing to do but it always becomes how you say things not what you say. If you let things sit and marinate for too long then it builds up and turns into resentment. And when the slightest thing happens in your relationship you snap. It’s the straw that breaks the camels back and all this outpouring of resentment rains down on your partners shoulders and they feel attacked and quite often what do they say? “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Yea, why didn’t you? Fear of confrontation? Fear of thinking it wasn’t worthy of a conversation? But yet, here you are now throwing all that’s been bothering you at them when the issue that caused the argument in the first place has nothing to do with the past. That’s unfair. Imagine if you were on the receiving end of that discussion … how would that make you feel?

Why is it that we can yell at our better half’s but would never dream of yelling at our boss? You know if you step over a line you’ll lose your job but why do we feel if we step over a line we won’t lose our significant other? Because they love you? Because emotions are involved? Take it from me, that will only last so long. Communicating openly and effectively – talking AND listening AND understanding – will keep you heads above many other couples. Love is not enough. It can sustain you but when life hands you a pink slip or lay off notice don’t act surprised when that love burns out. Don’t run a good thing into the ground thinking you can rely on it. You’ll bleed love dry. Don’t ever let it get to that point.

It’s important to voice your concerns sincerely and without malice or anger. If you do the latter your hopes for a good outcome are futile. Understand that if there’s something going on in your relationship that concerns you, you must let your partner know.  They can’t work with you to fix something they aren’t aware of. And you can’t hold that against them even though many of us do. Unless you’re dating a psychic, your partner isn’t a mind reader. No matter how small the issue, DISCUSS it. Don’t be worried about them thinking your nitpicking or nagging. After all, once again, it’s how you say it, not what you say. If you say it with a nagging quality then chances are that’s how it will come across and be perceived. And if you KNOW you’re nitpicking then either you aren’t stating your case strongly enough because they aren’t getting it OR they don’t care to change (or try to change) their behaviours, in which case you have a bigger issue at hand. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Effective communication works wonders and when you get the hang of how well it works you’d be surprised at how well it’s received by the people who love you most. Trust me.

Treat your relationship like a job you love and put all effort and joy into making it stay that way. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy argument now and then. It makes your relationship stronger and your understanding of your partner so much better.

Relationships are great if you know how to handle them but if you don’t or can’t, then recognize it’s not for you. Move on. Live life and be happy.

To close, take this in:

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2 April 2010 at 12:06 pm (Love & Relationships, Lyrics & Quotes, Random) (, , , )

“I will trust you to the end of the earth and back. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to but the minute that trust is gone, you will find it hard as hell to get back.” © Corprah Lanfrey

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Not Everyone Is A Respectful Someone

21 March 2010 at 2:46 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships, Random, Rants) (, , , , , , )

If you flirt with me and you aren’t single and I KNOW that, your girl would probably never have a problem with me. Why? Cuz I’d ignore you and dismiss you. Men: DO NOT FLIRT WITH ME WHEN YOU HAVE A WOMAN! This shouldn’t be rocket science but a lot of you people in relationships seem to think flirting is OK or acceptable. Unless the two of you have talked about it AT LENGTH and don’t think flirting with others is an issue in your relationship – don’t do it.

Even if you say to me: “my girl won’t care, she knows I love her” I still won’t flirt with you. I find that to be so disrespectful and while I don’t have to like or respect your girl, I do respect the fact a relationship is being had and I wouldn’t want that done to me. Period. Karma is a bitch. And I hate bitches.

Not everyone views relationships the way I do, though. They’ll say shit like “what so and so doesn’t know won’t hurt them” or “he/she does it, so why can’t I?” or “I don’t owe that person anything; she better worry about their man” …. and yes, the latter statement may very well be true but that doesn’t mean you stoop to such a low-level that you infiltrate someone’s relationship and truly believe there wont be any consequences. There are MANY single people out there to mess around with, why do you think its cool to mess with someone that already has someone? WHY do you think, as an involved party in a relationship, that it’s OK to step away from your partner and seek the attention or desire from someone else? Jokes are jokes but be aware that there is a fine line and if you cross it there’s no turning back.

Some of you people need to start making wiser choices within your relationships or just don’t BE IN ONE.  What you are lacking in your relationship your partner WILL find in someone else. Believe this. I’ve seen it happen. I don’t get wanting of the cake and eating it too mentality. You can have ur cake and eat it too with MANY different people (if you’re about that) without involving emotional feelings of others! If you WANT a relationship, want it  all or no dice – just be single.  And if after awhile you realize that a relationship isn’t for you, tell your partner and get out of it before you HURT someone! There’s no reason to drag someone else into your selfish ego-stroking agenda.

Relationships these days have me SO jaded! Can’t you tell? haha!

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#REALWOMAN Rule #1 (Pertaining To Catching A Cheater)

29 December 2009 at 9:38 pm (Life, Love & Relationships, Random, Rants, WTF!?) (, , , , , , , , , )

I feel like I need to write about a topic that SHOULD be common knowledge but isn’t EVER that way.

I’m talking to you ladies. Not ALL of you. Not the #realwomen out there. Not the #realladies out there. I’m talking to you bummy hoodrats with no common sense and lack of brain power.

When you are in a relationship with a man you do NOT go after the chick you find your man cheating with.  Not until AFTER you find out she without a doubt knew about you and stepped into your position willingly and without care. But if you have NO way of knowing, you play your position as a LADY and as a WOMAN and check your damn man FIRST and find out about HER later.

After all the bullshit I read on twitter  this evening I feel like I have to reiterate this to some of y’all. ESPECIALLY you young women coming up that haven’t dealt with this yet. You are fortunate but heed this post PLEASE … You’ll be a better person because of it.

You don’t go attacking the chick calling her ugly, worthless, and whatever other name you have for her. You don’t get your friends to gang up on her and attack her. You don’t turn gotdamn psycho and friend her up on Twitter. You don’t harass her phone and email and IM’s and steal her pictures and basically INTERWEB stalk her! You don’t call her a bitch, a slut, a homewrecker, etc. etc., BLAH BLAH BLAH! And PLEASE NOTE: when it’s found out SHE was the MAIN chick and YOU were the side bitch you DEFINITELY shut your damn mouth up. It’s EASY to blame the “other woman” and fling all kinds of insults at her (you know, so you aren’t looked at as a fool *rolls eyes*) but yet cry, beg, bawl and weep to the dog of a man “WHY ME!?” when he could be bringing you home ANY and ALL kinds of diseases.

The ONLY person you need to check is the MAN in the center of the mix up. YOUR supposed man. He’s the only one that’s lied, deceived and played all parties involved (including himself). He is the one that had the loyalty to you (or her) and is the one that should deal with the consequences of breaking that trust and bond. How is it another females fault if she was lied to and told her “man” was single and uninvolved!? She’s AS MUCH a victim as you are!  A #REALWOMAN would realize that and sit down and TALK to her and relate to her woman to woman.

Personally, I’m not coming out of pocket with a chick because I’ll want truths. I’ll talk to a woman STRAIGHT up and find out what I need to know. Screaming and dissing another female will NOT get you the answers you want, need and deserve. PLAY YOUR DAMN POSITION, LADIES! You come at a bitch swinging, she’s gonna swing back. Just get your answers and then walk your ass on into the Health Clinic. Simple.

It’s funny I even have to write this out but let it be a refresher for you chickenheads that CLAIM  to know this rule but never put it into practice.

#REALWOMEN RULE #1: Check your man before you check me.
(FYI: no  this post isn’t about me. I’m currently drama free and happily UNinvolved in any stupid man mix up, tyvm)

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Finding Mr. Right & Does He Even Exist?

18 December 2009 at 3:54 pm (Funny Things, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , )

I re-posted a piece previous to this post about successfully maintaining a relationship. It was crazy informative and the writer related well to her readers (or such is my opinion) but then it got me to thinking … especially about the first point of: “Be good friends” wherein my opinion on the matter is that men and women CAN’T be friends. I wonder then, if this means when you first meet someone, you don’t rush and become friends with the INTENT of a relationship to follow, rather than date a friend you may have had in your life for awhile and one day said “gee, I wonder ….. what would happen if ….” – I know that’s an earful but I hope you followed. Either situation proves my point: men and women cannot be friends but the way in which one would go about it could make all the difference. I’m rambling now and this isnt even the point of this post. Moving on …….

Let’s discuss Mr. Right. Where is he? Does he exist? Mr. Right is not to be confused with Mr. Right Now. No,  Mr. Right Now comes in the form of a booty call, a one night stand, a vibrator or your index and middle fingers. No, see, Mr. Right is indeed THE man. The BEST man for the “job” if you will. He’s a committed sort … a man devoted to friendships within relationships, trust, honour, devotion, and fidelity. He exists in the minds of single women, young and old, everywhere. They either turn him into their favourite actor, singer or athlete (though, we ALL know celebrities – generally – make CRAP Mr. Rights) or they make him up completely out of thin air. I wonder,  do we make up such a super man and adhere these “regular” guys to these impossible standards? Probably. Is it fair to always look at your friends or family members relationships and want a man just like theirs? Who knows? I mean … no one REALLY knows what a couple goes through (not matter what is told to you in confidence) other than those two people. Do you wish upon a star for a Mr. Right? I can’t even lie. Once upon a time I did. I’m not ashamed to say so but I’m ashamed to believe he’d actually materialize out of nowhere. I know I have to help fate along when it comes to this sort of thing, but where do we even begin!?

Say Mr. Right DOES exist. Where can we find him? I say, not in a club. Not unless your Mr. Right consists of a bothersome, sweaty and overbearing “man” that finds his mission in life is to bring you home and make maddening love to you. That’s not Mr. Right. That’s not even Mr. Right Now. That, my friends, is Mr. Stay Far Away.

Some would tell you church but …. past experiences have told ME that freaks and hypocrites live in church. That’s all I want to say about that.

Some would say the best way to find Mr. Right is to look closer to home – at your friends or … whatever. I think this is a possibility but I wouldn’t look there. Most of the guys I’m friends with are either ugly or just fake a true friendship in order to eventually fuck me. Hey, I’m being real. I probably have two TRULY platonic male friendships. I’m sure if I threw myself at them they MAY take me up on it but the point is that I respect them and our friendship enough to not do that – and in my heart I know they feel the same way about me. To each their own, though. You often here about the nice, wholesome girl, pining for her best friend of 10 years and he looks at her as nothing more than a sister. But when he’s whored himself out and wants to settle his overactive penis down, he rings her up but she’s moved on with Jamal, the hot body rapper than treats her like shit. *Sigh* +1 for the rappers.

Some would say the best place to meet Mr. Right is at school or a job. Yay for the former, nay to the latter. I think school is a good place. At least you know he’s about his education and has SOME intellect and / or sense. It also shows he has ambitions to BE something / someone someday. The job thing is a little trickier. I suppose if you were working for a huge corporation it may be OK but smaller offices are hard … not just to work in (you can’t hide shit) but definitely for an office romance. Don’t even think about boning your boss unless you feel its absolutely worth the risk. And by risk I mean, people finding out, or worse: losing your job.

There are so many other places – the library, the mall, the bank line on a Friday afternoon (pay week of course) and in the Frozen Food or Fresh Produce aisle – but again, does he EVEN exist? I don’t know. I’m not even sure. What I can and will say though, is that you have to find whats a perfect match for YOU. Surely, MY Mr. Right will not be the same as YOUR Mr. Right. Other than the obvious general things like good hygiene and not addicted to crack. The most important thing is to find someone that compliments you and is perfect for YOU and doesn’t fit societies ideal of what is perfect or RIGHT. Society is all kinds of messed up. Don’t pay attention to it. Society’s standards are like wet dogs – disgustingly offensive and ………. smelly?

I just want to state for the record, Mr. Right CAN exist but it truly depends on your idea of what Mr. Right is (and again, who he is to and for you). Mr. Right shouldn’t be confused for Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect is a figment of a retards imagination. He doesn’t exist. I can unequivocally ASSURE you of this! Mr. Right is flawed but he is flawed in a way where he makes mistakes and learns from them, hence he’s imperfect. But still RIGHT. Get it? OK!

Good luck to anyone out there looking for that right person. And if you happen to meet a Mr. Right that isn’t good for you but you think he could be for someone else, hit me up. Tell me where he’s at. Give him the URL to this post, tell him to write me.

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A Sexually Experienced Woman Is A Hoe?

21 November 2009 at 2:00 pm (Life) (, , , , , , , , )

So yesterday I literally hit up almost every guy I know with the intention of gaining information about a blog I wanted to write. MSN, Facebook, BBM … I asked them all the same question. I was pleased with the answers. The question was:

“How do you feel about a girl that sucks dick TOO good? Would you assume off the bat she’s a hoe?”

I hope all my friends were honest with me. With the exception of one, all of them said no. And even the one that said no was on the fence about the issue.

My reason for asking was because I’d heard the notion a few times that a woman who is TOO good at sex or certain aspects of it is suspect. Maybe she’s been around the block and a hoe. But *I* always took it as, maybe she is just good at what she does and she got that way through being with ONE  man (or even two) and learning over time how to please him. I mean if someone, for example, is in a long-term relationship they pretty much have LOTS of practice, no? I just feel that someone saying a sexually experienced woman could equate to being a slut, is unfair and infuriating.

I don’t want the next person I’m with to assume these things about me if we have an amazing experience together. I never even really thought of it in the way it was presented to me before the other day. I honestly thought a man would appreciate a woman who knows what she’s doing and is able to please him – call me naive but I never imagined he’d get it in his head she was a hoe because of how good she makes him feel. Odd! This was also a reason to ask. I guess the majority feel like myself and would think the woman just knows her stuff due to her previous relationship(s) .. keyword being RELATIONSHIPS and not encounters or sessions. Feel me?

One of my boys counteracted my question with: “If I know how to eat pussy really well, would I be a hoe?” Valid question, sure, but let’s not kid ourselves. We live in a world of double standards; right or wrong. I highly doubt the same logic would apply to a male.

The ONE person said he was torn between the two notions, said he would wonder a bit but wouldn’t assume shes an outright hoe. I guess that’s fair. Her sexual history VERY well could play a part but just like a woman could gain expertise with many men so could a woman with ONE man. I’ve always said having a lot of sex doesn’t mean a woman has had  lot of partners. You could have more sex in a committed relationship than with 20 men on 20 separate occasions, follow? Assumptions like these ones are dangerous. You draw conclusions about a person without asking and then its like … what do you even ask? Most people aren’t ready to hear the true numbers of their s/o’s previous sexual partners so most don’t ask. So how do you avoid wondering if your woman is a hoe while she’s down there curling your toes and making your eyes roll back in your head?

You just take her for who she is to YOU. You look at how she treats you and makes YOU feel and don’t worry about what is being said about her from other people. People DO lie … people DO like to destroy anothers’ happiness. Misery loves company. In a relationship you have to make it about the two of you. Trust is important, communication is important! Without these things what kind of relationship do you even have? Without those things you will allow outsiders to infiltrate a good thing. You surely don’t make such an assumption about someone you are with or care to be with. If she’s a jumpoff or buss it baby then that’s a completely different story altogether. Just be happy knowing you have a woman who is willing to do almost anything to please you and make you feel good – as you should for her. Right?

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