Rocky Paths Always Lead To Sunny Pastures

21 March 2009 at 11:39 pm (Life) (, , , , , , , , )

I don’t want to get older but at the same time I do. Let’s see if I can be clear and explain this to you guys.

I was talking with my girl tonight and I realized something. I am VERY happy and open to saying goodbye to my 20’s and hello to my 30’s. Now, I have a couple more years ’til I’m there but I can’t stress enough how my time is NOW. I feel like I’ve been in my 20’s forever. I’ve gone through so much. I’ve been engaged, had many career changes, am fully responsible for someone other than myself, I’ve become my OWN investment, I’ve had meaningful and meaningless relationships, I’ve been unemployed, I’ve been used, I’ve been abused. I’ve loved and been loved, and I’ve won and lost. But I’m still here and I’m strong.  I’ve realized what people have been saying for years. Your 20’s are a time for discovery and self evaluation and reflection. Your 30’s are then spent enjoying what you’ve learned. I’ve spent my 20’s getting to know myself. Love myself. Accept myself. I’m now ready to start ENJOYING this person I’ve learned to love and accept because Lord knows there were times where I couldn’t stand who I was.

I’m happy to embrace my 30’s because as much as I appreciate the growth I’ve achieved and while I will always continue to grow, I have a better understanding of self now. I have a renewed and refreshed confidence. I’ve finally started listening to all the amazing advice I give to others but never to myself. I’m just in a good place. I feel stronger than I have in ages. I believe this is as much of me getting older as it’s due to eliminating stress out of my life. I don’t remember the last time I cried over a bill payment or some kind of debt, or some situation at home or with friends. And a man? I haven’t allowed myself to shed not ONE tear over a man in MONTHS. If I felt like I was becoming cold or distant, I’d probably be worried. But, I’m not cold or distant, I’m secure and beautifully flawed. I am me. And I love who I am. I really do.

It used to never be enough that I was just a good person to those around me. I couldn’t understand why, if I was such a good person, I had all this pain in my life. I realized what and who that was. It was me. I was doing it to myself. I complained but never acted. I was in denial and blamed others. We all know the saying, people only do to you what you allow them to. I allowed people to take advantage or make me feel less of myself. I even allowed a man to make me think I was crazy for a hot minute. Never again. It’s been a learning process. A long one – lol. I remember when I turned 20. And I will remember the day I turn 30. 10 years is a LONG time. But when you GET there, when you REALLY GET THERE, that feeling is so good. That feeling is so relevant.

The older I get the less I tolerate people and their bull. But then I have to remember, everyone reaches the point I’m at now at different times. For instance, my mother is a major worry wart. She has been her entire life. And I would tell her all the time, “Mom. Stop stressing over things you cannot change”.  And she would say she knew but would be stressing again within 24 hours. I never inherited that characteristic from her. If I can’t pay a bill on time, then I can’t pay the bill on time. Oh well. Next time I get paid, it’s covered. I’m not going to stress over something I can’t change. And people can berate and call me all they want. My bank account balance isn’t going to change with the louder your voice gets. My mother has to now take pills for high blood pressure. And NOW she’s not stressing about things. She can’t. Stress has claimed a bit of her health. I REFUSE  to go that route. My mother stressed for as long as I can remember. The odd times I’d get stressed, I’d get sick. It manifests itself in so many ways for different people, but me? I get sick, migraines, vomiting, weight and even hair loss. Stress doesn’t agree with me, which is why I simply don’t stress these days. I’m so happy because of it, too. But you see, this no stress thing is not something you can tell someone. They have to reach that point on their own. However, I definitely want to share my experience so as to maybe have one person look deeper into their own life.

It’s a maturity and growth you have to feel deep within you to understand what I’m saying right now. I just feel like when life gets you down, you gotta hit that low and bounce right back up. I have had many lows but I haven’t had a low in a GOOD while. I got rid of a lot of shit that was holding me back and now my future looks so bright. It never really is too late to turn your life around to where you WANT it to be. Sometimes that path through the forest is curved, rocky and even has gashes in it and you have to take a HUGE detour but there is always a way out.  Always. And when you walk off that path into sunny green pastures you can be proud to know you’ve arrived. I’m relishing in the fact that I am now sitting amongst flowers in my pasture. And if I feel this good right now, I am overjoyed at the possibilities my life will bring me in the near future.

God Bless.


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