Mazes & Dead Ends (carried over from BlogSpot)

12 June 2007 at 6:55 pm (Life)


I’m at a crossroads. I’m lost.

I’m not quite sure what this means, exactly. I’ll do my best to explain. I can only look at it one way.

I haven’t been through a maze in ages but that’s what I feel my life is like at the moment. Like the maze in The Shining. Ugh. I get all excited because I think I’ve found my way out and then I turn a corner and *bam* I’ve hit a dead end! Then I have to go back, retrace my steps and start over. Problem with that is once I start retracing I don’t exactly remember HOW to get back to the beginning.

I try to remember what turn I took here and what turn I took there but it evades me to the point where I get frustrated, want to throw my hands up and just sit down in the middle of the maze and say, fuck it. I’m never getting out.

This is my life.

There comes a time where you reach your breaking point and you’ve had enough. You figure, OK, I’m going to take the safest possible route and I’m going to be VERY careful to map out what’s around me so as to be careful to not make the same mistake twice and end up at the same dead end. BUT, all Hell be damned because pretty flowers, birds and the sun ALL decide to grab your attention and steer your attention away and *bam* …. you’re at that blasted dead end again.

I’ve reached that breaking point. I’m seriously not focusing on those pretty birds and flowers anymore. It’s a shame. But pretty things are a distraction. Nothing more, nothing less. My eyes are straight forward. Determined and unmoving.

No glancing. No short cuts.

I’m just trying to get myself up and out of this maze.

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You Know … I Love Prince (carried over from BlogSpot)

6 June 2007 at 6:53 pm (Celebrity, Random, Raves)


When I’m bored at home I listen to music. Music is my escape. My passion. My past time. My lover. My friend. My blanket. My home away from home.

Music is my life.

So I’m on Imeem, which I LOVE, and I’m just adding new songs to and making a playlist and I was thinking: “I need some Prince in my life”.

In going through all the songs by Prince and although I knew this already, I was yet AGAIN impressed with his catalogue. I never thought I’d be able to pick a favourite song but I have.

Prince’s Adore is my absolute favourite. After that I’d have to say I love Purple Rain and Kiss.

He’s a metrosexual, tiny waisted, pint sized genius. He’s quite the diva, cocky even but I think he’s earned that. He’s an amazing artist and I think if I ever met him I’d just stand there and stare. Some people you just know they are larger than life. He’s one of those people.

And I truly adore him.

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Rush, Rush. Fast, Fast. Now, Now (Carried Over From BlogSpot)

5 June 2007 at 6:48 pm (Beauty, Health & Fitness, Entertainment, Life, Rants, Televison)


I remember growing up as a kid (and it wasn’t THAT long ago for me, btw) and not feeling like the world was passing me by. That could have been due to just being young and not having a care in the world but I don’t think it was that.

Those were the days when video games and TV shows didn’t run your life. When mp3’s didn’t exist and computers were a privilege and a luxury. Gone are the days when you would run home, throw your backpack down and run RIGHT back outside to the park to hang out with friends and play basketball or hand clap games or skipping and hop scotch. Gone are those days.

After looking back at my youth and how much fun I had and then walking around in the early evening hours, coming from work, I see such a lack of youth running around and playing. Just a complete lack of kids being ACTIVE. Sure, there are still parks and kids in the parks but not many. Its sparse. I smile to myself when I see groups of pre-teens giggling and laughing amongst each other at the park or just out and about, happy to know they aren’t having their brains fried by MTV and BET. I smile when I see young boys playing basketball in their driveway or hockey on the street. These are kids with hobbies and activities. Its good to see. But for every 5 kids I see out doing something, I’m sure there are 10 more inside engrossed by their computers, TVs, and video games. Those are the ones I worry about. Those are the ones I want to know about. Because I don’t want my child to end up like them.

Technology has screwed us. In no way am I saying that I am against it or anything. Shit, I have a cell phone and I’m a computer junkie/nerd. All I’m saying is that its screwed us in the sense that we no longer have this laid back mentality. We have this disgusting notion that we need to have everything NOW NOW NOW! If we need someone, get out that cell and get ahold them NOW, don’t wait until you get home or come across a payphone. If we cant afford that new jacket get it NOW and slap that credit card on the counter. I wont even start on rushing with relationships. Too much recognition there for me! I could go on and on but why bother? I’m sure you get my point.

I’m guilty of this. But, for the most part, I grew up this way. My youth was laid back … my teenage years were in the prime of the ….. technological boom, if you will. My generation was part of the test pilot on all these little gadgets and gizmos. Man …. We got PLAYED! lol … I am aware of what technology has done to me and those after me. I look at my mom and her friends … and even my grandmother. My mom has had a cellphone for about 5 years now and she STILL asks me how to use it. I tell her she can show herself all the functions if she reads the instructions but she never does. Its just not in her to sit and learn these things. However, give me a new cell phone, one I’ve never used before, and I will know how to use it within the hour. LMAO. My grandmother, now, is altogether different. She doesn’t even know what a laptop or web cam is. Bless her heart!

Its just so fast this world. I feel like its passing me by. It could be I’m getting older. I think it may be a little of that and a lot more of this rush rush mentality the world is under. It’s a lot of pressure to get ahead and quickly. I first felt it when I fast tracked through high school. I did grade 11 classes in my grade 10 year. Was done my OACS by 12th grade. Even took OAC English in 11th grade. I felt the pressure to get out and get DONE. Why!? I graduated a year early and immediately went into a semester of ECE then realized I didn’t want that and dropped out of post secondary. Looking back NOW I regret it. But at the time I was just tired of running and going .. I wanted a break. I wanted my life back.

So is rushing such a horrible thing after all? Maybe, maybe not. Had I kept rushing and running, maybe I’d be in a better spot with my post secondary education. Or maybe not. Maybe I’d be working at a school or daycare but miserable in that I chose the wrong career and feel stuck in it because I spent so much money studying it!

I’ll never know. To go back in time would be marvelous.

In any case. I like feeling calm and relaxed. I HATE pressure and quickness and rushing. This is funny to me because in some things I actually do rush. I’m an Aries and it says that we are impulsive and impatient. This is true at times and false at times. I’m impatient for somethings and waaay to laid back for others. Ah well. You cant always be everything, right?

I guess I don’t have any point that I’m trying to make or get at. lol. I’m just talking about this topic for talking sake. But what I do want to point out is that its important to take time and just relax now and then. Take time for a walk through a nice forest or garden. I don’t mean to sound melodramatic but take time out for LIFE … to appreciate LIFE. Stop rushing. Slow down. I know its hard with the economy and children and work and family and rent or mortgages and utility and bill payments and just life pressures in general. But you can only do what you can do. No point in stressing over things you have no control over. After all, think of your blood pressure:

According to 2000 Statistics Canada figures, over 869000 women and over 539000 men aged 65 and over in Canada have high blood pressure. …

That’s just ONE reason to stop and smell the roses. Its now 2007. One can only imagine what the stats are today ……………..

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I Hate Men (carried over from BlogSpot)

3 June 2007 at 6:44 pm (Life)


So.

Its not like I hate men in the sense that I’ve turned into a vagina loving lesbian. I just don’t like men very much. I’m a woman that’s been lied to, deceived, manipulated, abused and misled.

They say you should look in the mirror if you have a history of failed relationships and if this was 3-4 years ago I would’ve argued til I was blue in the face. However, after a failed engagement, I realized I need to fall back and take a look at myself. My values, my morals, what i want out of a partner and out of life. What I want out of myself. And I took a long time to do that. I allowed myself to feel bitter and angry and sad and depressed. I allowed myself to heal.

I did me.

Then when I was ready I got back in the game. The dating game. WHICH I LOATHE.

Anyway, I know what I want. I know what I will and will not settle for. But I have a problem. I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve. I allow my heart to take on people and their problems even if they aren’t deserving. And I’m constantly taken advantage of. The thing is. I am who I am and while I’m willing to compromise and meet people half way, I’m not willing to change who I am. I like who I am. I cant be a cold person. I cant turn my emotions off just like that. I need someone who can just see that and appreciate it and not feel compelled to hurt me every chance they get!

Its not in me to be a rude person. I’m not conniving and I don’t tell untruths. I’m honest. I have this feeling that if I was a bitch. Or a hoe … or if I was out to ruin lives I would be the happiest (and i use that term loosely) person in the world.

You know … I’m not going to pretend that I enjoy being alone. Because I don’t. Fact of the matter is … it SUCKS being alone. But I’m not content with just being with someone for the sake of being with someone.

I don’t know why I’m single. Maybe I’m too strong willed and opinionated and I intimidate guys. I don’t know.

I’m very misunderstood I think.

But with all the promises that have been made to me and all the times I’ve been let down, I’ve come to the realization that I don’t much like the opposite sex. And it used to bother me that I was at this point but now I don’t care. And that kind of scares me. But when someone is fed up and they’ve had enough …. what do you expect them to do?

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