Assume Accountability For Your Failed Relationships

21 September 2010 at 10:05 am (Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , )

Its been so long since I’ve blogged. I want to start off by apologizing to my readers. My readership has dropped DRASTICALLY in the past couple of months, of no fault but my own. Life happens and the summer caused me to be a lot busier than usual but I promise with the cooler weather approaching I’ll become a hermit again and fresh material and posts will be up and running soon ūüôā

All that being said, I wanted to speak on a topic that I’ve touched on before but never devoted an entire post to. There’s this dynamic with men and women where people are quick to talk about how waste people are. All men are dogs, don’t know how to treat a man, they’re worthless; all women are hoes, materialistic, gold diggers or too independent, blah blah. It’s annoying.

I don’t know how it is in other cities but in Toronto, there is a HUGE lack of coupling in the city. Most people are forgoing relationships to be single and just date with no intention of “catching feelings” or committing. It’s sad to me. I’m not sure if there is a fundamental reason for this or if times are just changing and fidelity is a thing of the past. Call me old fashioned or a hopeless romantic (I am!) but ¬†what’s better than being in love and having someone to rely on and care for and about? What’s better than companionship and being with ONE person that can and will satisfy your every needs? I’ve been on both ends of that spectrum and while being single is fun and exciting it’s really un-fulfilling. I know a lot of people enjoy being single but after a while that shit gets old. After awhile, everyone wants to be with someone. So why are people staying single longer and shunning commitment?

My age group (25+) may have JUST missed this way of thinking but people 25 and under seem to be really unaware of what this mindset will do for the generations below them. I won’t even touch the topic of marriage and kids out-of-wedlock because that’s another thing in and of itself but just relationships in general, having a significant other, and being in a committed relationship seems so FOREIGN to so many people nowadays.

Everyone wants to complain about the lack of “good men or women” but one can only do that for so long. ¬†Usually, if you are meeting the wrong men or having failed relationship after failed relationship wouldn’t the right thing to do be to “look at yourself”? People need to start taking accountability for their failed relationships. Period. You can’t talk about how there are so many waste wo/men out there and blame wo/men for all your foils. Did you ever stop to think that maybe the problem lies with YOU? Did you ever think that maybe you SUCK at picking the right partner? Maybe that your judgement in people is lacking? Maybe you’re making consistently poor choices? I’m not preaching because I’ve BEEN there. I’ve played the blame game. I’ve pointed my finger. I’ve also learned the hard way. I was thinking for the longest time I was just unlucky in love but really, I was just falling for the wrong type of man. I was looking to change people or “save” people. Once I pointed the finger back at me and took time to see what I was doing wrong I started meeting better people. I started having more successful relationships. One thing I CAN’T shake is who I attract though. LMAO. But that’s neither here nor there.

All I’m trying to say is, if you’re constantly alone and upset or depressed about the person in your life and where your relationship isn’t headed, then flip the script. You have nothing to lose. Take a good long hard look at yourself. Look at how you live your life and how you conduct yourself. Try and see if you would like you if you were someone else. Try and see yourself how others view you. This doesn’t mean the people that would hate on you, or talk shit because Lord knows those people shouldn’t matter to you. I’m talking about your friends and family. ¬†It’s not easy doing this but there’s that saying “lie to others but never lie to yourself”. If you can be honest with yourself, you may learn a lot. And you cannot change what you don’t know or fail to see.

If you actually WANT a serious relationship with a GOOD man or woman, then you need to find out what it is you’ve done wrong, correct it and start applying what you want out of a partner to your life. If you want a successful wo/man, then you need to be successful yourself. You cannot expect to meet a someone who has all the qualities and things you yourself don’t have or aren’t in the process of achieving. My personal philosophy is to never, ever expect a man to have or do for me the things I don’t have or won’t do for him in return. It’s easier said than done, I know, but if you think about it, a relationship is much more than just that. It’s a partnership. If you aren’t with the person that can work with you and make you better, than you aren’t with the RIGHT one.

Stop complaining about all the bad that’s out there. There are a LOT of good men and women left but most of you are looking in the wrong places. And mistaking known ASSHOLES for “good” people. ¬†You cannot change anyone. You cannot form anyone’s personality or demeanor. You have to meet someone and accept them AS THEY ARE which is why when you are looking for a mate you look for compatibility. The flaws they have will be flaws you can overlook because they’re minor and no one is perfect.

Be a better person in your OWN life and what you get out of life (in this case your relationships) will be better because of it. I promise you. Try it, faithfully, and tell me I’m wrong. I double-triple dare you ūüėČ

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Misconstrued Notions Of Marriage

6 May 2010 at 6:04 pm (Family, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , )

I would LOVE to get married one day. For sure. BUT with all that I’ve been through personally, and all that I’ve seen other’s go through, I’m not rushing to get married. IF I get married at all, to be honest.

For MY generation, the idea of marriage has been highly misconstrued. The purpose of marriage is to procreate and make a family. People aren’t getting married for those reasons. People are getting married because they have children, not to be confused with making them. People are getting married for tax breaks and other financial gains. People are getting married because they are pressured to do so by friends and family. People are getting married because “Hey, why not? We’ve been together 8 years“. How many people are getting married because they LOVE one another? Because they want to spend their life with that person?

“You don’t marry someone you can live with. You marry someone you cannot live without.”

My own personal viewpoints of marriage aside, I think marriage is a wonderful thing – when done right and for the right reasons. A lot of times you have people misconstruing the idea behind it. To best explain what I mean I use a quote I heard a long time ago that struck a chord with me and made a LOT of sense:

“Men only want in-house pussy while women only want a wedding.”

No commitment. No genuine love. Just need, need, want and greed. Sad truly. If a guy can get a girl to marry him then he never has to worry about sex again. Come on everyone, we all know its harder for men to get sex than it is for women. Men have to work for it. With his wife, its there. Hence, in-house pussy. HOWEVER, they ALSO say once you get married the sex stops. And the cheating starts “there’s no pussy like new pussy” EW! So they say …. so they say. Women, while wanting a commitment always want the flashy expensive wedding to show out and have that dream fantasy wedding most have been thinking of since they were children BUT how many of these same women would marry at City Hall if need be for the sake of saving money or convenience? I can bet you not many, hence, women wanting a wedding and not a marriage *sigh*.

Last night on twitter I made a passing comment on marriage to which a follower of mine replied:

“@lovebugstarsky but then again it aint tradition! It’s the commitment to God.”

Now, I would’ve gotten into it with him (not rudely, just a discussion) but religion is something I don’t debate. Religion is a personal choice and decision and I don’t think personal choices and decisions need be talked about. Plus, we don’t know each other all that well to be having such a discussion. I was cool with his words and respectful of his viewpoint but in all honesty, marriage to me IS traditional. And if I marry someone I’m committing to THEM, not God. However, said commitment is BEFORE God. It’s semantics really but important ones in MY eyes, nonetheless.

OK, that’s enough about religion (lol).

In today’s society a common-law couple has the same rights legally as a married couple. Even if that common-law couple was to split up they can still go to court to fight for property and monies obtained within the relationship just as a married couple would do if they got divorced. My whole thing is this: I don’t want to get a divorce. I’d rather just walk away from my partner. It’s just as much pain, but less expensive. LOL … One would think I’m saying all marriage comes down to is money in that sense and sometimes it does. A lot of couples start out in debt after paying for their huge, lavish wedding and honeymoon, don’t they? Things that make you go hmm.

Divorce is another thing altogether. One shouldn’t walk into a marriage fearing divorce. I mean, that’s just setting yourself up for failure. No one should walk into ANYTHING with the thought of a negative outcome but with the rates as high as they are you can’t help but wonder. Someone told me once that the divorce rates are skewed and the numbers aren’t as high as “they” would have us believe. Even if that IS true, the fact that its OUT there already puts the idea into your head that your marriage has a pretty good chance at failing.

Personally, I’m not going to subscribe to that “I don’t need a piece of paper to show my love and commitment” ideal because honestly, marriage is just more than a piece of paper BUT that doesn’t mean I need a marriage to define my commitment to the man I plan to be with for the rest of my life, either.

Another issue I have with marriage is the assumption I MUST take my husband’s name. I have no problem with that but because I have a child I have to think about her. Unless she is legally adopted I don’t want her to be the only family member with a different last name. I actually had my ex-boyfriend tell me he wouldn’t and couldn’t marry me if I didn’t take his last name. I explained my reasoning and even said I would hyphenate and he said no. I thought hyphenating my name was a great compromise but he said no. End of story. Needless to say, he’s my EX-boyfriend. ¬†I don’t altogether fault him for his beliefs but I feel that when it comes to marriage, it should be a partnership and not a “my way or the highway” type of deal. Clearly, ¬†I took the highway.

I feel that if I do get married one day it WILL MOST DEFINITELY be for the right reasons and it will be because I am so 100% convinced this is the person for me and that’s all there is to it. While I’ve come extremely close to feeling that way about someone I’m still not married so … unless I feel that way again, I’m pretty good with common-law and I don’t see the issue with that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Feel free to post and comment. Let’s discuss!

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Relationships Are Like Jobs

10 April 2010 at 10:59 am (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

This is a no brainer. We’ve all heard this comparison before, right? Here’s the thing though: ¬†Some people treat relationships like hard LABOUR! Relationships are hard work, sure. They’re like jobs, yes but they don’t have to be so hard. ¬†The key to making every job easier is open communication with your co-worker or boss, or in the sense I’m speaking of – with your partner. Talking things out is always the best thing to do but it always becomes how you say things not what you say. If you let things sit and marinate for too long then it builds up and turns into resentment. And when the slightest thing happens in your relationship you snap. It’s the straw that breaks the camels back and all this outpouring of resentment rains down on your partners shoulders and they feel attacked and quite often what do they say? “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Yea, why didn’t you? Fear of confrontation? Fear of thinking it wasn’t worthy of a conversation? But yet, here you are now throwing all that’s been bothering you at them when the issue that caused the argument in the first place has nothing to do with the past. That’s unfair. Imagine if you were on the receiving end of that discussion … how would that make you feel?

Why is it that we can yell at our better half’s but would never dream of yelling at our boss? You know if you step over a line you’ll lose your job but why do we feel if we step over a line we won’t lose our significant other? Because they love you? Because emotions are involved? Take it from me, that will only last so long. Communicating openly and effectively – talking AND listening AND understanding – will keep you heads above many other couples. Love is not enough. It can sustain you but when life hands you a pink slip or lay off notice don’t act surprised when that love burns out. Don’t run a good thing into the ground thinking you can rely on it. You’ll bleed love dry. Don’t ever let it get to that point.

It’s important to voice your concerns sincerely and without malice or anger. If you do the latter your hopes for a good outcome are futile. Understand that if there’s something going on in your relationship that concerns you, you must let your partner know. ¬†They can’t work with you to fix something they aren’t aware of. And you can’t hold that against them even though many of us do. Unless you’re dating a psychic, your partner isn’t a mind reader. No matter how small the issue, DISCUSS it. Don’t be worried about them thinking your nitpicking or nagging. After all, once again, it’s how you say it, not what you say. If you say it with a nagging quality then chances are that’s how it will come across and be perceived. And if you KNOW you’re nitpicking then either you aren’t stating your case strongly enough because they aren’t getting it OR they don’t care to change (or try to change) their behaviours, in which case you have a bigger issue at hand. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Effective communication works wonders and when you get the hang of how well it works you’d be surprised at how well it’s received by the people who love you most. Trust me.

Treat your relationship like a job you love and put all effort and joy into making it stay that way. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy argument now and then. It makes your relationship stronger and your understanding of your partner so much better.

Relationships are great if you know how to handle them but if you don’t or can’t, then recognize it’s not for you. Move on. Live life and be happy.

To close, take this in:

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2 April 2010 at 12:06 pm (Love & Relationships, Lyrics & Quotes, Random) (, , , )

“I will trust you to the end of the earth and back. I will trust you until you give me a reason not to but the minute that trust is gone, you will find it hard as hell to get back.” ¬© Corprah Lanfrey

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2/14: How Do You Feel About Valentine’s Day?

2 February 2010 at 8:34 pm (Funny Things, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , )

February 14 can strike into the hearts of many, thoughts of lust, romance, love, anger, bitterness or sheer HATE ;). If you’re like me though, you’ll just be completely indifferent to the day. After so many Valentine’s Days alone, one builds up quite the tolerance. LOL. If anything, take advantage of the candy sales on the 15th. Do you know how much V-Day chocolate you can get after the 14th for 50% off and MORE!?

It’s just a DAY people but already I’m seeing reactions (good and bad) to Valentine’s Day. Take a minute to vote in my poll and leave some words, if you’d like, ¬†explaining your choice.

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All The Way

24 January 2010 at 10:53 pm (Love & Relationships, Lyrics & Quotes, Music) (, , )

Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say,
But if you let me love you
I’m sure to love you all the way
© Frank Sinatra

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Ok. Go ‘Head Wale!

20 January 2010 at 8:56 pm (Celebrity, Life, Love & Relationships, Lyrics & Quotes, Music, Raves) (, , , , , )

“The fear of being hurt, for some, is far more important then the joy of being in love” ¬© Wale

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Finding Mr. Right & Does He Even Exist?

18 December 2009 at 3:54 pm (Funny Things, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , )

I re-posted a piece previous to this post about successfully maintaining a relationship. It was crazy informative and the writer related well to her readers (or such is my opinion) but then it got me to thinking … especially about the first point of: “Be good friends” wherein my opinion on the matter is that men and women CAN’T be friends. I wonder then, if this means when you first meet someone, you don’t rush and become friends with the INTENT of a relationship to follow, rather than date a friend you may have had in your life for awhile and one day said “gee, I wonder ….. what would happen if ….” – I know that’s an earful but I hope you followed. Either situation proves my point: men and women cannot be friends but the way in which one would go about it could make all the difference. I’m rambling now and this isnt even the point of this post. Moving on …….

Let’s discuss Mr. Right. Where is he? Does he exist? Mr. Right is not to be confused with Mr. Right Now. No, ¬†Mr. Right Now comes in the form of a booty call, a one night stand, a vibrator or your index and middle fingers. No, see, Mr. Right is indeed THE man. The BEST man for the “job” if you will. He’s a committed sort … a man devoted to friendships within relationships, trust, honour, devotion, and fidelity. He exists in the minds of single women, young and old, everywhere. They either turn him into their favourite actor, singer or athlete (though, we ALL know celebrities – generally – make CRAP Mr. Rights) or they make him up completely out of thin air. I wonder, ¬†do we make up such a super man and adhere these “regular” guys to these impossible standards? Probably. Is it fair to always look at your friends or family members relationships and want a man just like theirs? Who knows? I mean … no one REALLY knows what a couple goes through (not matter what is told to you in confidence) other than those two people. Do you wish upon a star for a Mr. Right? I can’t even lie. Once upon a time I did. I’m not ashamed to say so but I’m ashamed to believe he’d actually materialize out of nowhere. I know I have to help fate along when it comes to this sort of thing, but where do we even begin!?

Say Mr. Right DOES exist. Where can we find him? I say, not in a club. Not unless your Mr. Right consists of a bothersome, sweaty and overbearing “man” that finds his mission in life is to bring you home and make maddening love to you. That’s not Mr. Right. That’s not even Mr. Right Now. That, my friends, is Mr. Stay Far Away.

Some would tell you church but …. past experiences have told ME that freaks and hypocrites live in church. That’s all I want to say about that.

Some would say the best way to find Mr. Right is to look closer to home – at your friends or … whatever. I think this is a possibility but I wouldn’t look there. Most of the guys I’m friends with are either ugly or just fake a true friendship in order to eventually fuck me. Hey, I’m being real. I probably have two TRULY platonic male friendships. I’m sure if I threw myself at them they MAY take me up on it but the point is that I respect them and our friendship enough to not do that – and in my heart I know they feel the same way about me. To each their own, though. You often here about the nice, wholesome girl, pining for her best friend of 10 years and he looks at her as nothing more than a sister. But when he’s whored himself out and wants to settle his overactive penis down, he rings her up but she’s moved on with Jamal, the hot body rapper than treats her like shit. *Sigh* +1 for the rappers.

Some would say the best place to meet Mr. Right is at school or a job. Yay for the former, nay to the latter. I think school is a good place. At least you know he’s about his education and has SOME intellect and / or sense. It also shows he has ambitions to BE something / someone someday. The job thing is a little trickier. I suppose if you were working for a huge corporation it may be OK but smaller offices are hard … not just to work in (you can’t hide shit) but definitely for an office romance. Don’t even think about boning your boss unless you feel its absolutely worth the risk. And by risk I mean, people finding out, or worse: losing your job.

There are so many other places – the library, the mall, the bank line on a Friday afternoon (pay week of course) and in the Frozen Food or Fresh Produce aisle – but again, does he EVEN exist? I don’t know. I’m not even sure. What I can and will say though, is that you have to find whats a perfect match for YOU. Surely, MY Mr. Right will not be the same as YOUR Mr. Right. Other than the obvious general things like good hygiene and not addicted to crack. The most important thing is to find someone that compliments you and is perfect for YOU and doesn’t fit societies ideal of what is perfect or RIGHT. Society is all kinds of messed up. Don’t pay attention to it. Society’s standards are like wet dogs – disgustingly offensive and ………. smelly?

I just want to state for the record, Mr. Right CAN exist but it truly depends on your idea of what Mr. Right is (and again, who he is to and for you). Mr. Right shouldn’t be confused for Mr. Perfect. Mr. Perfect is a figment of a retards imagination. He doesn’t exist. I can unequivocally ASSURE you of this! Mr. Right is flawed but he is flawed in a way where he makes mistakes and learns from them, hence he’s imperfect. But still RIGHT. Get it? OK!

Good luck to anyone out there looking for that right person. And if you happen to meet a Mr. Right that isn’t good for you but you think he could be for someone else, hit me up. Tell me where he’s at. Give him the URL to this post, tell him to write me.

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This Word Perfect

22 October 2009 at 12:41 am (Family, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

I wrote this back on Feb 10, 2008 and posted it on my myspace. I don’t believe I ever posted it here. A quick search turned up nothing. My mindstate at the time was …. a strange one to say the least and even though my thought process on love is completely different now from what it was then, I must admit, my sentiment regarding the content of what I wrote still remains the same. Enjoy.

This Word “Perfect”

per¬∑fect¬†‚Äďadjective 1. conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type: a perfect sphere; a perfect gentleman.

Everyone is striving for this ideal. The perfect husband, wife. The perfect body, life. It’s tiring if you ask me. I’m tired of striving for something that NO ONE can achieve. NO ONE is perfect. What we ARE is human.

I’d rather be IMperfect. Thank you very much. I’d rather be FLAWED … and beautifully so. I’d rather be simple and loved for it. Rather than perfect and hated. Perfection isnt who I am. And I’m tired of trying to please everyone.

The perfect woman isnt a woman with big breasts, a great ass and money in the bank. A perfect woman is one that accepts her flaws. Embraces them and learns from them. A perfect woman is an IMperfect woman. A woman that can admit her wrong doings and make moves to change her ways. A woman that will look forward rather than backwards in hopes of becoming a better person with each day. A woman that will accept her man’s past, present and future. She may not like what he does because it worries her but she will stand by his side no matter how hard it is. A perfect woman will talk to her man and not close up and it wont always be about her. A woman knows her fears but yet isnt afraid of them. A perfect woman will let her past go. She wont let her past dictate her future. Wont let her fears run her life. She wont allow something so right to go so wrong. And if by chance she does, she knows better for the next time around.

The perfect man isnt a man with a fast car, many women on his arm or cash flowing all around him. A perfect man is one that isnt afraid to say, I’m afraid. Isnt afraid to “man up” and say he is sorry. Or that he is wrong. A perfect man is an IMperfect man. A man that enjoys being catered to. A man that can forgive and maybe even forget. A man that will protect his family, his woman, his friends because thats what a man should do. A perfect man will never up and leave at the drop of a hat. He will hold and comfort his woman when she is scared. He will dry his woman’s tears and tell her no more sad eyes, for she has no reason to fear because HE is here now. A perfect man will take care of a perfect woman’s heart. A perfect man also has fears, however. And a perfect man will share them with those he deems worthy. He will confide his truest self into someone who will listen and not judge and he will recognize and acknowledge that.

Their perfect love will never be anything more than a constant work in progress. A love where two people will learn to grow together, through the good and through the bad. A perfect love is NOT a marriage. A perfect love is a commitment between two people who want the same things. Who want respect, loyalty, communication, trust and even great sex. A perfect love is scary and frightening. Especially for those that have experienced it and lost it and hope to one day gain it again. A perfect love is an IMperfect love. A love where you fall but get up again. Where if its something that can be fixed IS fixed. A perfect love is one where there is never a suspicion of hurt, cheating or abuse. A love where you know you can 100% trust in the person you kiss goodnight and wake up to in the morning. A perfect love is not so. I’ll take an IMperfect love anyday.

I am human. I wasnt born perfect. I will not die perfect. I will make mistakes and I will learn from some and not others. I will not say sorry when I KNOW I’m wrong but then I will realize that in itself is the worst way to be. I will beg for forgiveness more than once in my life. I will fall and be at my weakest. I will be alone more often than with someone who truly loves and cares for me. But in my darkest hour I will know one thing: I am NOT perfect. I dont HAVE to be perfect and its OK to be flawed. Because, if I was indeed a perfect being, I’d be God. And last I checked. I’m Cori. I’m me. And the person that loves me for me, with all my faults and flaws will be the person who is just like ….. me. A person that is OK with flaws and imperfection.

Give this imperfect woman an imperfect man …. and give these imperfect people an imperfect love.

It’s what they deserve.

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Jimi Hendrix

7 September 2009 at 2:47 am (Life, Lyrics & Quotes, Music, World Issues) (, , , )

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