That Black & White Issue. Yea, THAT One.

28 September 2010 at 7:08 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Family, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

First of all let me just say I KNOW there are more than just two races in this world. I don’t need to justify WHY I chose to talk about blacks & whites today rather than Asians and Hispanics. I’m just doing it. A random thought crossed my mind earlier after something I saw on Twitter. I’ll explain it so you can understand where I’m coming from and I hope some good discussion will come of this.

So, I saw this girl on my follower list (she’s white) tell one of my OTHER followers (he’s black) that he was “so cute”. Perfectly harmless, no big deal. His response was “likewise” and that was it. She’s now following him. He’s now following her. Maybe your minds work differently, but I started thinking about how she can just come out of nowhere and tell a guy he’s cute without thinking whether or not he’ll respond to her in a positive way (and yes, I’m talking about being attracted to each other based on race and race alone). The fact that she didn’t have to assess the situation or think about whether or not he even LIKED white women made me wonder and then later realize, there is a comfort level white women have that black women don’t when it comes to dating outside of our race.

As a black woman who has dated a couple of white men before, I have to say I didn’t always feel like I was a GIRLFRIEND or a significant other when I was with them. I always felt like it was a big deal if I asked to meet his parents, or when we were out I felt like he was constantly wondering about the stares we were getting. And we DID get them, but they definitely bothered him more than me.  I would voice my concerns and they’d always be written off as insecurities or I was “thinking about it too much”. I often wondered if it WAS just me. Maybe I WAS insecure. Maybe I wasn’t good enough and it had nothing to do with my skin colour, but then I realized, no …. I never had to deal with this OR feel like this with my black boyfriends. And I never go against my gut. My gut and intuition told me something wasn’t right. Besides, after I’d voice my concerns and the guys would SAY and ACT LIKE they got it, nothing changed. I never did meet his parents and he wouldn’t always hold my hand in public. So, who was right? He or I?

I’ve come to the conclusion that white men love to “try us out” because we’re looked at as freaky or whores (and don’t even get me started on the historical massa vs.  slave issue) but won’t date us seriously, bring us home to meet the parents, procreate with us or marry us. I often feel like if a white guy is interested in me it’s because I’d be his first black girl experience.  Or that I’d be his “chocolate fantasy” and I just can’t get with that. I don’t want to be “exoticized” or thought of as some wild bedroom goddess that will do everything his previous white partners won’t/didn’t do. Is this stereotyping? Maybe. Is it generalizing? Possibly. Is what I’m saying so far from the truth? Absolutely not.

The problem is this: people who date EXCLUSIVELY outside of their race don’t seem to understand the pitfalls of doing so. You lose touch with reality and start to only see ONE side of things. I actually had someone on Twitter, who’s white, tell me that the reason white men don’t date black women is because they could be intimidated. I was like … WHAT? So ALL black women are intimidating? And we’re only this way to WHITE MEN? Huh? I asked her what they could be intimidated OF and she said, right or wrong, the media portrays black women as “abrupt and loud, etc” and this could be intimidating to them. I was low-key annoyed at that statement but welcomed discussion on the matter. I immediately disagreed and replied: Well if the media is forming the white man’s opinions of black women then why aren’t white women afraid of the big bad, criminal, drug dealing, gangsta-rapping, baby daddy? Let’s be real here! The black man is the most ostracized, criticized and oppressed species on this PLANET.  If that theory of hers held true then why aren’t white women intimidated by black men? I’ll wait for a rebuttal ………………..*crickets*………………….. Exactly.

MY own experiences on the matter, is that white men have yet to wrap their head around society accepting them dating a black woman. It’s common for a black man to be famous and rich and have a white woman on his arm and MOST people, while maybe silently brooding, are OK with that. But let the tables be turned and you see a famous black woman with a white man on her arm. She’s labelled a sell out or the man must be a sugar daddy or something stupid like that.

When I see a good-looking guy (and for argument’s sake, lets say he’s black) my first instinct is to flirt with him and get his attention, let him know I’m interested and I don’t think twice about it. However, if I see a good-looking white guy my first instinct is to look for signs that he SOMEHOW will like me, and by me I mean ME AS A BLACK WOMAN, and if I see it, I go for it. Usually, though, I see NOTHING so that guy “gets away”.  Stereotypically, the only way I can “assume” a white guy will like me is if he appears “urban” …. or lets just come out and say “if he’s a wigger”. And yes, I know the consequences of assuming but it is what it is.

If I’m going to date a white man I want to date one that’s not trying to get my attention by adopting my culture and perpetuating all the negative stereotypes that glorify “being black”. If I’m going to date a white man I want a man who is just as proud of his race as I am of mine but, like me, doesn’t see colour when he falls in love with me. He sees ME. I see HIM. But this day in age, that’s just doing too much.

White women, in my opinion, just don’t have this issue at ALL. Y’all should feel lucky you can date white and black men and be able to do it freely (in the easiest sense of the word) without worrying about HOW you got him or HOW you had to analyze things first. It’s so much more common and accepted to see a black guy with a white woman so therefore white women are QUITE confident in their ability to holla at a black man and not have to worry about being rejected solely on the colour of their skin. For ME, I can take rejection. It’s not a problem. People are attracted to whomever they’re attracted to but to know that I liked you regardless of your race, yet my race is why you’re rejecting me, would BURN deep. So, I usually just don’t bother. If I end up dating a white guy it’s because HE approached ME. And if I waited for a white guy that I was feeling to approach me, I’ll die alone and bitter and angry and all kinds of negative emotions.

I don’t know many white guys that outright proclaim they love black women and have actually DATED them seriously (in actuality, I know 2) but I know a HUGE amount of black guys that will go on and on for DAYS about how much they love white girls. And you know what? Everything I said about liking someone for the stereotypes about their race could apply to THAT dynamic as well BUT I’m a BLACK WOMAN. I would never propose to speak on an issue I don’t know. I can tell you my thoughts on the matter (and that would only require a sentence or two) but I’m not a black man or a white woman. So I speak on what I know, go through and experience.

It’s very interesting to me.

I hope this post didn’t come off as bitter or too harsh. I definitely do not want to offend anyone. This really started off as a mere thought that has now turned into this blog. I’d love to hear any and all feedback – good or bad and have some great discussion. Please comment if you feel so compelled.

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Interracial Dating

13 February 2010 at 7:03 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants, WTF!?) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It’s not that I’m against interracial dating. I’d be silly to be against it.  I come from a family where EVERYONE is mixed with something – myself included. What I have a problem with is the reasons behind why some people do it. I try to not pass judgement or make assumptions as to why a couple may be together but when you observe the masses as much as I do you get to know who’s genuinely in love and who’s just in lust and who’s just doing it for the experience. I’m not so much griping about the people that do it for the experience though. It’s human nature to be curious and hey, through experience you learn and build knowledge. To each his own.

Earlier in the week, John Mayer had the internet going crazy with his comments about dating black women (or his lack of dating black women) and his use of the “N” word. This isn’t the blog for me to express my opinions on THAT subject but I’ll say this: #1. I don’t care that he used the word. I really don’t. #2. John Mayer needs some chocolate in his lil perfect lily white life. LOL.

Ok, no …  all jokes aside there is a difference between loving who someone is and loving someone for who you think them to be. For example, when I see a black man in the street with a white woman on his arm my first instinct is NOT to recoil, turn my head, roll my eyes or kiss my teeth. Like my girl, Darcel says, I’m NOT gonna “sista girl” you to death. It’s not my place to judge you and your relationship but I find that it’s usually the white woman who has an issue with ME when we pass. She may reach for his hand or grip up his arm as if to let me know he’s with HER and SHE may stare ME down thinking I may have something to say about being with a brotha. Chick, PLEASE. If he’s with YOU then clearly he’s not interested in ME. Same could be said for ANY race. As a black woman I get those looks from asian, white and even indian women. Get over yourselves. NO ONE wants your man and NO ONE is going to look at you sideways for dating someone who doesn’t have the same skin colour as you. Especially not I.

To be somewhat fair, I’ll say that I understand SOME white women (especially, white women) experience some foul treatment from SOME black women and so they are immediately on the defensive. I get that but to that I always say this: if you are confident in your relationship and you know what you and your man have is based on real and genuine love and not some stereotypical phase then DO YOU and don’t even THINK to play into what people may have to feel or say about it. And more often than not, the mature, classy women are the ones that “get it”.

I find the aforementioned females that grip their man’s hand or stare me down are what I call “she think she hood” chicks. These are white girls (not to be confused with women) that think they’re hood (or “ghetto”) if you will. They basically take every negative or stupid stereotype about black people and perpetuate it to the 1000th degree. They adopt all the style, slang and movements of a black person that’s emulated on BET and go even farther with it. They even attach black girl weave to their silky blond hair! Now, let’s stop there for a moment. I KNOW white women wear extensions to make their hair appear fuller and longer … yes, yes I know this. I’m NOT ignorant but I’m talking about the weave that is worn to emulate BLACK HOOD CHICKS. Do we need a picture? You know the ones I’m talking about. ANYHOW … they’re the ones that ONLY like black men due to whatever reason: the big dick rumours, the Mandingo / best lover stereotype, the swagger, etc etc. They usually talk with a “ghetto” arrogance and maybe even have a horribly fake West Indian accent. One would think this is how YOUNG girls act but I know quite a few females my age that have this same attitude towards black men. Shame on them. Shame on YOU.

I don’t like seeing that. THAT is what bothers me. I don’t like seeing trophy chicks of ANY race on the arm of a black man. I just want people to love who they are. Love who they are with and stop dating someone based on a blatant lie you were told. NOT all black men have huge dicks. TRUST ME. Obviously, I haven’t seen all black penises but it only takes seeing ONE black man with a tinky winky to disapprove this stereotype.

I ALSO hate the people that say they ONLY date a certain race. How are you SO close minded and wack? How can you think an entire race is better than another for you to ONLY date them? This goes WELL beyond having a preference as well – so save that bull.

EVERYTHING I’ve said can be attributed to any race … black women dating white men and etc. We can go on and on about black women being “white washed” and dating a white man but I can’t sit here and talk about an experience I’ve never had. I see it but I’ve never had a black girl look at me when she was with her white man. I just haven’t.

I went out with and dated a white guy a couple times and I had white women literally shoot me daggers when I was with him in public. Sometimes I even feel like white guys love to date and fuck us black women but they wouldn’t marry us or bring us home to the folks. This may seem like a harsh thing to say but this is what I feel. My feelings are not facts nor do I pass them off as facts so please don’t argue with me about how I feel. I know not ALL white men feel this way as my step-father is a white man and he married my mother and his family accepted her and myself with OPEN arms.

The purpose of me writing this blog is to educate people on how their behaviours are viewed by others on the outside looking in. I often wonder if people even REALIZE they are doing half the shit they do. I want to believe they do but maybe its easier to believe they don’t.

If it’s too much to ask for someone to be themselves and date outside their race without thinking they need to become another race to be “down” then so be it. I’m not going to stop feeling disgusted at seeing “she think she hood” chicks with a guy when I know her ass grew up on Mississauga Road or in Cambridge. FOH.


And for the record, black men aren’t all you women have them cracked up to be. They aren’t any more special than any other race. Judge a man for what he is about and not the colour of his skin. Idiots. You’re the same ones complaining about not being able to find a good man but your track record states you aren’t dating anyone but hustlers and guys that think a 9 to 5 is below  them. Oh, and sometimes they beat and cheat on you on the regular, too. LOL.

True love IS indeed colour blind. Wake up.

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I Was Reminded …..

2 July 2009 at 8:37 pm (Funny Things, Random, WTF!?) (, , , , , , , , )

…. earlier today of a beef misunderstanding between a girl and I on a friends’ FB status last year sometime. She was annoying and dumb. I don’t remember what the argument was over but I ended up cussing (as I usually do) and she said cussing means a lack of education and intelligence. Readers of my blog – y’all know I don’t lack that. Anyhow,  I explained to her that I don’t cuss because I HAVE to but that I cuss because I CAN and WANT to. Idiot. Then she started talking about how I’m the epitome of a stereotypical loud black female (Lord only knows how she can HEAR me through the ‘net) and I laughed out loud because all this was coming from …… WAIT FOR IT …………….

a bitch modelling some skimpy bathing suit while sitting on dubs.  A BIG ASS CHROME RIM.


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