That Black & White Issue. Yea, THAT One.

28 September 2010 at 7:08 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Family, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


First of all let me just say I KNOW there are more than just two races in this world. I don’t need to justify WHY I chose to talk about blacks & whites today rather than Asians and Hispanics. I’m just doing it. A random thought crossed my mind earlier after something I saw on Twitter. I’ll explain it so you can understand where I’m coming from and I hope some good discussion will come of this.

So, I saw this girl on my follower list (she’s white) tell one of my OTHER followers (he’s black) that he was “so cute”. Perfectly harmless, no big deal. His response was “likewise” and that was it. She’s now following him. He’s now following her. Maybe your minds work differently, but I started thinking about how she can just come out of nowhere and tell a guy he’s cute without thinking whether or not he’ll respond to her in a positive way (and yes, I’m talking about being attracted to each other based on race and race alone). The fact that she didn’t have to assess the situation or think about whether or not he even LIKED white women made me wonder and then later realize, there is a comfort level white women have that black women don’t when it comes to dating outside of our race.

As a black woman who has dated a couple of white men before, I have to say I didn’t always feel like I was a GIRLFRIEND or a significant other when I was with them. I always felt like it was a big deal if I asked to meet his parents, or when we were out I felt like he was constantly wondering about the stares we were getting. And we DID get them, but they definitely bothered him more than me.  I would voice my concerns and they’d always be written off as insecurities or I was “thinking about it too much”. I often wondered if it WAS just me. Maybe I WAS insecure. Maybe I wasn’t good enough and it had nothing to do with my skin colour, but then I realized, no …. I never had to deal with this OR feel like this with my black boyfriends. And I never go against my gut. My gut and intuition told me something wasn’t right. Besides, after I’d voice my concerns and the guys would SAY and ACT LIKE they got it, nothing changed. I never did meet his parents and he wouldn’t always hold my hand in public. So, who was right? He or I?

I’ve come to the conclusion that white men love to “try us out” because we’re looked at as freaky or whores (and don’t even get me started on the historical massa vs.  slave issue) but won’t date us seriously, bring us home to meet the parents, procreate with us or marry us. I often feel like if a white guy is interested in me it’s because I’d be his first black girl experience.  Or that I’d be his “chocolate fantasy” and I just can’t get with that. I don’t want to be “exoticized” or thought of as some wild bedroom goddess that will do everything his previous white partners won’t/didn’t do. Is this stereotyping? Maybe. Is it generalizing? Possibly. Is what I’m saying so far from the truth? Absolutely not.

The problem is this: people who date EXCLUSIVELY outside of their race don’t seem to understand the pitfalls of doing so. You lose touch with reality and start to only see ONE side of things. I actually had someone on Twitter, who’s white, tell me that the reason white men don’t date black women is because they could be intimidated. I was like … WHAT? So ALL black women are intimidating? And we’re only this way to WHITE MEN? Huh? I asked her what they could be intimidated OF and she said, right or wrong, the media portrays black women as “abrupt and loud, etc” and this could be intimidating to them. I was low-key annoyed at that statement but welcomed discussion on the matter. I immediately disagreed and replied: Well if the media is forming the white man’s opinions of black women then why aren’t white women afraid of the big bad, criminal, drug dealing, gangsta-rapping, baby daddy? Let’s be real here! The black man is the most ostracized, criticized and oppressed species on this PLANET.  If that theory of hers held true then why aren’t white women intimidated by black men? I’ll wait for a rebuttal ………………..*crickets*………………….. Exactly.

MY own experiences on the matter, is that white men have yet to wrap their head around society accepting them dating a black woman. It’s common for a black man to be famous and rich and have a white woman on his arm and MOST people, while maybe silently brooding, are OK with that. But let the tables be turned and you see a famous black woman with a white man on her arm. She’s labelled a sell out or the man must be a sugar daddy or something stupid like that.

When I see a good-looking guy (and for argument’s sake, lets say he’s black) my first instinct is to flirt with him and get his attention, let him know I’m interested and I don’t think twice about it. However, if I see a good-looking white guy my first instinct is to look for signs that he SOMEHOW will like me, and by me I mean ME AS A BLACK WOMAN, and if I see it, I go for it. Usually, though, I see NOTHING so that guy “gets away”.  Stereotypically, the only way I can “assume” a white guy will like me is if he appears “urban” …. or lets just come out and say “if he’s a wigger”. And yes, I know the consequences of assuming but it is what it is.

If I’m going to date a white man I want to date one that’s not trying to get my attention by adopting my culture and perpetuating all the negative stereotypes that glorify “being black”. If I’m going to date a white man I want a man who is just as proud of his race as I am of mine but, like me, doesn’t see colour when he falls in love with me. He sees ME. I see HIM. But this day in age, that’s just doing too much.

White women, in my opinion, just don’t have this issue at ALL. Y’all should feel lucky you can date white and black men and be able to do it freely (in the easiest sense of the word) without worrying about HOW you got him or HOW you had to analyze things first. It’s so much more common and accepted to see a black guy with a white woman so therefore white women are QUITE confident in their ability to holla at a black man and not have to worry about being rejected solely on the colour of their skin. For ME, I can take rejection. It’s not a problem. People are attracted to whomever they’re attracted to but to know that I liked you regardless of your race, yet my race is why you’re rejecting me, would BURN deep. So, I usually just don’t bother. If I end up dating a white guy it’s because HE approached ME. And if I waited for a white guy that I was feeling to approach me, I’ll die alone and bitter and angry and all kinds of negative emotions.

I don’t know many white guys that outright proclaim they love black women and have actually DATED them seriously (in actuality, I know 2) but I know a HUGE amount of black guys that will go on and on for DAYS about how much they love white girls. And you know what? Everything I said about liking someone for the stereotypes about their race could apply to THAT dynamic as well BUT I’m a BLACK WOMAN. I would never propose to speak on an issue I don’t know. I can tell you my thoughts on the matter (and that would only require a sentence or two) but I’m not a black man or a white woman. So I speak on what I know, go through and experience.

It’s very interesting to me.

I hope this post didn’t come off as bitter or too harsh. I definitely do not want to offend anyone. This really started off as a mere thought that has now turned into this blog. I’d love to hear any and all feedback – good or bad and have some great discussion. Please comment if you feel so compelled.

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