Snooping Rather That Communicating

15 January 2011 at 2:11 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

Well, well, well. I was on a forum recently where this topic came up and I was shocked this wasn’t something I had written about on here ever. If I have its evading me right now. I have a LOT of experience with this – LOL.

Anyway, what I’m talking about right now is snooping in the relationship. Snooping through your partners phones, emails, pockets and social network accounts. Is this right or wrong? When, if ever, is it acceptable? Does everyone do it? And how can this be avoided, if at all.

A lot of people will say they don’t snoop through their partners’ things but we all have at one time or another. If you say you haven’t then I guess you are better than the rest of us. Women, especially, will try to say they haven’t, in order to look like it’s below them to do such a thing but the ones adamantly saying they haven’t are usually the ones that have. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it but I’ve done it. Men, will say they haven’t simply because snooping is a “female trait” but how WRONG they are. I’ve dealt with and heard the most stories of men that snoop through their girls’ private life to find out things about her whereabouts and actions. At the end of the day, men AND women are guilty of this. Where does it stem from? Insecurity? Many people will say yes but personally, I feel like if you don’t give me a reason to snoop I won’t feel I have to. Bottom line. That’s nothing to do with insecurity. Your job in a relationship is to keep that other person feeling like they are the only one in your life, that they mean a lot to you, that they are special. If both people do their jobs, snooping will never, ever be an issue, unless the person IS just crazy and insecure and nothing you do appeases them, but if that’s the case you have a BIGGER problem on your hands. Anyway, I’m rambling ….

Here’s the thing, folks. We all know invasion of privacy is wrong. We all know if we had someone going through OUR shit, we’d be livid and feel disrespected and mistrusted, thus, we know snooping is wrong. BUT, is it EVER justified? I’ll be the first person to say, without apology, that it sure is. Again, it’s not RIGHT or acceptable but a lot of things aren’t “right” or acceptable and people do them everyday. So long as you have a legitimate reason to go looking for proof of infidelity or deceit then I say do what you have to do.

BUT ….

This should only be a last resort, people. This is ONLY something you should do if you have asked your partner about their behaviours or secrecies prior. You cannot just, out of nowhere, feel you’re going to go through your partners’ phone and emails because you have a hunch or are  having an insecure day. You can’t do this. There’s no justification there. None. BUT, if your partner has been acting shady or weird or is keeping secrets from you then you should talk to them about it. Voice your concerns with things you are noticing or seeing. Depending on HOW you approach the situation and WHAT you say, if there is nothing to hide, your partner will not take offense – it will be a conversation and not a confrontation. He/she may even SHOW you there is nothing to worry about. At this point you mind is at ease and if the trust is there, that will be good enough for you. If the trust ISN’T there, chances are you will need to ASK them to see there’s nothing to hide. This can go three ways:

1. your partner will let you see and nothing will be found. The problem with this is even though you weren’t accusatory they now feel they aren’t trusted and may withdraw from you even more.

2. your partner may have nothing to hide but they feel mistrusted and are offended you would ask them to see their private interactions with other people. This type of person usually doesn’t in ANY way understand why they were asked in the first place. They’re oblivious to their own behaviours, usually.

3. They have everything to hide and will manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about even asking. They will turn it around on you to make you feel like YOU are in the wrong. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy and insecure and even though you know you aren’t these things, you will start to feel like maybe they’re right. They will NOT show you anything and based on their adamant and belligerent response you know something is going on. So, you are left to take matters into your own hands. #3 was my last relationship.

The thing is, communication is and should work every time but that’s not always the case. It takes TWO people to communicate and if both parties don’t feel the same away about it, there’s no point. It has to be noted that when you go looking for things, you WILL find them. If you’re convinced your partner is cheating or doing things with other women you will not stop until you find that proof. This leads us to the bigger problem. If you feel this strongly about your significant other than that should say a LOT about the strength and status of your relationship. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking you need to be looking in your woman’s phone. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking your man is devoting attention you deserve to other women on social networking sites.

While snooping can be a problem, the bigger issue is that you have no trust in your relationship and what is a relationship without trust?

I’ve always said, if I snoop and find nothing I’ll leave it alone but what am I going to do? Change that whenever another situation comes up? Of course not. I’d go crazy. BUT, if my man isn’t willing to make me feel secure to the point where I’d never even have to DREAM of going through his things (as I of course would do for him in return) then why am I with him? No one wants to be accused of doing shady things behind their partners’ backs but at the same time NO ONE wants to be anyone’s fool and played for a sucker.

Take yourself for example, look at YOUR actions – if you’ve never done anything to make your man/woman feel like they need to snoop and they have, then this is an issue of theirs and you need to figure out if you can deal with someone like that. If your actions ARE questionable then no it doesn’t make their snooping excusable but their reasoning for doing it CAN be justified. If you don’t want to be checked up on then change your behaviours.  Simple. No one is right or wrong. No one wins in this situation.

I still say talking things out is always better. I still say if you’re gonna really go snooping, make sure you’ve exhausted all your other options. I still say if you plan on being with someone you have to constantly check up on, then you probably need to find someone else. And I still say, snooping isn’t as wrong as anyone thinks – provided there’s just cause.


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Taking Relationship Advice From Your Single Friends

4 January 2011 at 8:57 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

Why is this an issue with some people? I see ALL the time, people saying “Never take advice from a single person. They won’t give you nothing but a jaded outlook and besides, they’re probably jealous of your relationship anyway.” or “Asking advice from single people is like asking parenting advice from someone that doesn’t have or want children.”

LMAO. What!? That’s the biggest amount of crap I’ve ever heard. People should stop putting themselves on a pedestal and flattering themselves. NO relationship is perfect, therefore NO ONE needs to be jealous of you and your partner, number one. Number two, parenting is WAY different from being taken vs. being single. You could have HAD a relationship and gained a great amount of knowledge from it but are now single but being a parent is something you absolutely HAVE to have had experienced before you can give out advice. The two are NOT  the same and not comparable at all.

I know the problem stems mostly from women asking other women and men saying “Stop asking your bitter friends about love -they’ll only tell you I ain’t shit anyway” but the onus is on you to ask the right people. If you know you have bitter friends, don’t ask them about love. You should know better. I think that makes sense.

Here’s the thing: First of all, unless you asked your friend for advice no one should be giving it to you ANYWAY because that’s just drama waiting to happen but, if you DO ask for advice, are you saying you would only ask someone who’s currently in a relationship? Why?

Unless you have a friend that’s never been in a relationship to understand relationship woes, why would you not ask their opinion on something if you really needed to? As it was aforementioned, you wouldn’t ask a non-parent, parenting advice, so why would you ask a person that’s never been in a relationship for advice? BUT, know that JUST because they are single NOW it doesn’t mean they’ve always been single. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship longer than the one you are in. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship or two more than you have. Their advice is no less qualified than someone who’s currently involved. Furthermore, the person that’s in a relationship that you happen to ask could STILL be jealous of your relationship. Besides, what they’re going through in THEIR life could be the exact opposite of what you’re going through in yours, therefore they could STILL give you jaded and bad advice. Your relationship is YOURS. Their relationship is THEIRS.

Also, if you need to seek out the opinions of others with regards to your relationship, YOU could very well have a bigger issue. When you need opinions, depending on the topic at heart, you should very well be communicating openly and talking to your significant other, not spilling the beans and chatting your business to other people. All that being said, SOMETIMES you DO need advice from trusted friends and family and that’s fine but you shouldn’t be discriminating about who you ask JUST because they’re single. You could be missing out on life experiences that directly reflect the issue you may be curious about.

Don’t be so quick to judge and assume. You really end up looking stupid and immature when you say things that clearly haven’t been fully thought through. Some of my very best advice came from someone who had been where I currently was and by chance was now single but they VERY MUCH understood what I was going through and them offering me their perspective helped me to see things differently. People NOT in your same situation usually paint a very realistic picture while you remain blinded and jaded by love. You don’t HAVE to take their advice – you should definitely be making your own decisions – but others’ perspectives can often aid you in making a decision best for you.

People fail to realize that simply asking someone’s perspective on a topic is really not about their current relationship status but more on their life experiences and understanding of how relationships work. The only people you shouldnt be taking relationship advice from are people who have never HAD a relationship. DUH. What’s so hard to understand about this?

Having a significant other that is friends with ONLY single people (who fail to understand he or she has a commitment and can no longer do “single” things) is COMPLETELY different from sitting down and having a discussion about relationships and what someone’s thoughts are on a matter.

Know that difference.

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The Futility of Threesomes – In Relationships

23 August 2008 at 11:25 am (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Threesomes, typically, are about representing a fantasy. It’s usually only a sexual experience that one or all three people want to partake in. Threesomes, for the most part, I’d think are wanted mostly by men that want to have their cake and eat it too.

And that’s fine. For single people.

When you’re single you can do whatever you want without repercussion or consequence. You don’t have any responsibility to anyone else and you definitely don’t have to answer to anyone.

But, when you are in a relationship, now? You can’t just up and do what you want. There are always repercussions and consequences. A relationship is about two people and their commitment to each other so having a threesome in a relationship would prove futile, no? I don’t think you should be bringing in a third person for the fantasy or to spice up your sex life. Or to make the other half happy. I can see some reasons why people could make themselves believe it to be a good idea but all the same, the ends, in this situation, just wouldn’t and couldn’t, justify the means.

What good can become of your relationship if you bring another person into your bed, even if it was just once?  Whether its a new relationship, a long term relationship or a marriage, nothing good can come of this. Think about it. Even the strongest of people would have lingering doubts and questions and what ifs swirling around in their head. Was there too much attention placed on the third? Is the third calling my man or woman behind my back? Does my partner wish we could do it again? Is she (or he) now attracted to the third?  I mean, its a bad situation to be in after the fact.

You could be the most confident and secure person but seeing your supposed better half having sex before your very eyes is liable to shake you. No doubt about that. Some people would argue that allowing your spouse the freedom of a threesome while in a relationship is a great deterrent to having them cheat outside of the relationship without the other person knowing. I say, damn all that! Basically, what the partner would be agreeing to is cheating … but right in their face. Allowing your partner that sort freedom would have you getting all that you deserve should the outcome be a bad one. Unless you want it to? Unless you want that experience as well? In which case, be careful what you wish / ask for. What you think may be a freaky and kinky experience may turn out to be the beginning of the end of your relationship.

I used to think I would do anything to make my man happy. I’d rather be the one to fulfill his fantasies than someone else, but where do you draw the line? Do you fulfill his fantasy by allowing another woman to put her hands on him? If he was just any old somebody or any old guy I was dating, maybe I could go through with it, but no. It’s not worth it. If you sit and think long enough … the outcome just isn’t going to be a good one no matter how you slice it.

I’ve personally seen and heard relationships break up over the threesome experience. Even if the third party didn’t involve thyself with either person afterwards, the self doubt between the two people in the relationship became insurmountable and just couldn’t be dealt with. No matter what rules you try to ensure before the act, everyone knows rules are meant to be broken. How do you even approach the topic? Who initiates the desire to introduce a threesome? How would you feel if you were the person being asked to partake?

If you feel a threesome in your relationship is beneficial, more power to you but remember that you should really think about the possible outcomes and if they are worth it. Always assume the worst in a situation and think if you want to be in it. If you realize you don’t, don’t do it then. It’s pretty simple. Or better yet, line up that threesome when you’re single and there aren’t any feelings or emotional attachments and if you ARE single, don’t involve a girl that you know likes you. It’s a fine line to walk so tread carefully.

It all comes down to respect. Respect of your partner and your relationship. If you can get the concept of respect then chances are you won’t have to deal with the fallout of a threesome.

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The Blatant Disrespect Of …

22 July 2008 at 1:59 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

… someones relationship. Let’s talk about this for a second.

I don’t know about y’all but when I know someone is in a relationship I am VERY careful about what I say and do to the male involved. Reason being? I’ve had females KNOW about my relationship with my man and blatantly disrespect it. Time and time and time again. It’s not a good feeling, and therefore, I would never do that to someone else. There are different degrees to which this can be done, sure, but in my opinion, any disrespect no matter how big or small is just that – disrespect. Do you believe in karma? Do you believe in the old adage, ‘what goes around comes around’? I do. And I’m not trying to receive my just desserts.

This has nothing to do with someone being insecure or jealous. Matter of fact, it has nothing to do with the person being disrespected at all. This is about someone who doesn’t give a damn about someone ELSE’S relationship and wants to go on acting like the person they are dealing with is unattached, single, free, UNTAKEN … well, you get my drift.

I hate those kinds of people. They USUALLY come in the form of females. Females are the WORST for this shit. I mean, I’m a go-getter. I go after what I want and I usually get it. But I don’t go after a taken man. Especially when I KNOW he’s taken and there is no room for doubt of the opposite. Some females need to practice what I call the “get a fucking clue, bitch” game. It’s a game where bitches end up getting beat down. It’s REALLY fun.

No, seriously though, I have encountered too many of my female friends that have had this happen to them.  It’s truly annoying and extremely rude. You don’t have to like me or my relationship but you WILL respect it. And if you CLAIM to be a friend of MY significant other, then the least you can do is respect HIM. I mean, have some couth and class. Please.

I hate the females that are sneaky about it. I am a VERY observant woman. I admit, I can be jealous at times, but that doesn’t mean I am stupid.  And it NEVER interferes with my judgement. Every female I’ve been suspicious of, I’ve been dead-on right about. Every. Single. One. You can’t always put your man onto this though, ladies. He will quickly tell you that you are wrong and delusional. Men don’t see the obvious as us women do. We are women, shit. We know the tricks of the trade. If I wanted a taken man, I know how to be sneaky to get him. I know the games to play. I know the things to say. Have I done it? I won’t lie. In my younger days I did once. And I’m SO not proud of it. But all the same, I know what I’m talking about when I see a snake. I recognize the traits. Call me a hypocrite if you want to but that was over 10 years ago. I really don’t care for the judgements on my character NOW. We all do stupid things. And I would actually EXPECT a female to pull that shit around that age. We’re kids, we do stupid things. We learn from them. But when you get to be my age, you don’t do that shit anymore. Grow up. Have respect for other people.  Or am I asking for too much?

I had a guy the other day tell me “…this isn’t a come on. I know you have a boyfriend ….” and I told him, “thank you for respecting my relationship, a lot of guys don’t these days. And that’s refreshing.” Now, that line could have been just that. I’m no dummy. But he’s done nothing to show me otherwise, so I took him at his genuine word and kept it moving. And on the flip side, I know too, that some men lead females on to believe there is a chance. Or they like to have girls around as “last resorts” or “back burners” should anything go awry with their current relationship. I get that, but that’s another post for another day. You gotta address that foul ish directly. Ha! But when a guy is not interested in a chick and she still pursues him? That’s what I’m talking about. Random females are one thing, but females friends of your s/o are another and harder to deal with. A random bitch you can cuss off and move on, but an established friendship with the opposite sex (especially, if she was “there before you”)? Ill intent is harder to prove in that situation.

I have a friend going through that right now. She’s in a relationship with her man. They’re solid. She told me last week of how HIS female friend is trash talking her to people and causing friction in her relationship. She has no reason to be arguing and bickering with her man … I mean, they’re happy and together and strong. This heffa is clearly jealous of that. Why can’t she leave them be? Why do bitches do that? Yes, shes a bitch and I will refer to her as such. I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. Unless she’s trying to get her claws in him, she shouldn’t be doing that. My girl loves her man, is good to him, and his friend should be happy he’s happy. IF she’s JUST a friend. If she wants to be more than that and come out of her position, well then, that explains all doesn’t it? My girl has every right to be pissed. I told her to not beat the girls’ ass and have her man handle it because HE is the one that’s friends with HER. But, I also said, should he talk to her and the heffa still doesn’t know her place, call me and we’ll proceed to bust ass. Well, ok, I didn’t involve myself in it, but I wanted to.

Violence isn’t the answer, people. But sometimes a bitch just needs to get beat down. Drill some sense in, because diplomatic words don’t work, you know?

At the end of the day, you just need to know your place. if he/she isn’t yours and doesn’t belong to you,  then look .. but don’t touch. You reap what you sew and if you can’t respect that a person is off limits then you deserve everything that you get if there’s a fall out. If that means you deserve a punch in the throat or future cock blocks in the form of karma, or you’re forever alone and depressed because you can’t find a good man/woman, then it looks good on you. You have no one to blame but yourself.

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