Snooping Rather That Communicating

15 January 2011 at 2:11 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )


Well, well, well. I was on a forum recently where this topic came up and I was shocked this wasn’t something I had written about on here ever. If I have its evading me right now. I have a LOT of experience with this – LOL.

Anyway, what I’m talking about right now is snooping in the relationship. Snooping through your partners phones, emails, pockets and social network accounts. Is this right or wrong? When, if ever, is it acceptable? Does everyone do it? And how can this be avoided, if at all.

A lot of people will say they don’t snoop through their partners’ things but we all have at one time or another. If you say you haven’t then I guess you are better than the rest of us. Women, especially, will try to say they haven’t, in order to look like it’s below them to do such a thing but the ones adamantly saying they haven’t are usually the ones that have. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it but I’ve done it. Men, will say they haven’t simply because snooping is a “female trait” but how WRONG they are. I’ve dealt with and heard the most stories of men that snoop through their girls’ private life to find out things about her whereabouts and actions. At the end of the day, men AND women are guilty of this. Where does it stem from? Insecurity? Many people will say yes but personally, I feel like if you don’t give me a reason to snoop I won’t feel I have to. Bottom line. That’s nothing to do with insecurity. Your job in a relationship is to keep that other person feeling like they are the only one in your life, that they mean a lot to you, that they are special. If both people do their jobs, snooping will never, ever be an issue, unless the person IS just crazy and insecure and nothing you do appeases them, but if that’s the case you have a BIGGER problem on your hands. Anyway, I’m rambling ….

Here’s the thing, folks. We all know invasion of privacy is wrong. We all know if we had someone going through OUR shit, we’d be livid and feel disrespected and mistrusted, thus, we know snooping is wrong. BUT, is it EVER justified? I’ll be the first person to say, without apology, that it sure is. Again, it’s not RIGHT or acceptable but a lot of things aren’t “right” or acceptable and people do them everyday. So long as you have a legitimate reason to go looking for proof of infidelity or deceit then I say do what you have to do.

BUT ….

This should only be a last resort, people. This is ONLY something you should do if you have asked your partner about their behaviours or secrecies prior. You cannot just, out of nowhere, feel you’re going to go through your partners’ phone and emails because you have a hunch or are  having an insecure day. You can’t do this. There’s no justification there. None. BUT, if your partner has been acting shady or weird or is keeping secrets from you then you should talk to them about it. Voice your concerns with things you are noticing or seeing. Depending on HOW you approach the situation and WHAT you say, if there is nothing to hide, your partner will not take offense – it will be a conversation and not a confrontation. He/she may even SHOW you there is nothing to worry about. At this point you mind is at ease and if the trust is there, that will be good enough for you. If the trust ISN’T there, chances are you will need to ASK them to see there’s nothing to hide. This can go three ways:

1. your partner will let you see and nothing will be found. The problem with this is even though you weren’t accusatory they now feel they aren’t trusted and may withdraw from you even more.

2. your partner may have nothing to hide but they feel mistrusted and are offended you would ask them to see their private interactions with other people. This type of person usually doesn’t in ANY way understand why they were asked in the first place. They’re oblivious to their own behaviours, usually.

3. They have everything to hide and will manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about even asking. They will turn it around on you to make you feel like YOU are in the wrong. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy and insecure and even though you know you aren’t these things, you will start to feel like maybe they’re right. They will NOT show you anything and based on their adamant and belligerent response you know something is going on. So, you are left to take matters into your own hands. #3 was my last relationship.

The thing is, communication is and should work every time but that’s not always the case. It takes TWO people to communicate and if both parties don’t feel the same away about it, there’s no point. It has to be noted that when you go looking for things, you WILL find them. If you’re convinced your partner is cheating or doing things with other women you will not stop until you find that proof. This leads us to the bigger problem. If you feel this strongly about your significant other than that should say a LOT about the strength and status of your relationship. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking you need to be looking in your woman’s phone. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking your man is devoting attention you deserve to other women on social networking sites.

While snooping can be a problem, the bigger issue is that you have no trust in your relationship and what is a relationship without trust?

I’ve always said, if I snoop and find nothing I’ll leave it alone but what am I going to do? Change that whenever another situation comes up? Of course not. I’d go crazy. BUT, if my man isn’t willing to make me feel secure to the point where I’d never even have to DREAM of going through his things (as I of course would do for him in return) then why am I with him? No one wants to be accused of doing shady things behind their partners’ backs but at the same time NO ONE wants to be anyone’s fool and played for a sucker.

Take yourself for example, look at YOUR actions – if you’ve never done anything to make your man/woman feel like they need to snoop and they have, then this is an issue of theirs and you need to figure out if you can deal with someone like that. If your actions ARE questionable then no it doesn’t make their snooping excusable but their reasoning for doing it CAN be justified. If you don’t want to be checked up on then change your behaviours.  Simple. No one is right or wrong. No one wins in this situation.

I still say talking things out is always better. I still say if you’re gonna really go snooping, make sure you’ve exhausted all your other options. I still say if you plan on being with someone you have to constantly check up on, then you probably need to find someone else. And I still say, snooping isn’t as wrong as anyone thinks – provided there’s just cause.

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Who Does Secrecy REALLY Protect?

4 May 2010 at 3:02 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , )


Privacy vs. secrecy. There’s a difference you know.

Let’s explain. You have two people who like each other and are dating and getting to know each other. One party probably likes the other party more and therefore wants to share with their friends the excitement they feel at the potential of what could possibly be a relationship. However, the other party isn’t really sure and while they may like this person, they don’t know if they actually SEE potential. So, rather than just come out and SAY this, they delay the inevitable, allowing party A to feel something is growing between them, when in reality had they just paid attention to the signs, a huge confuffle would’ve been avoided.

When men and women like each other – and REALLY like each other, there’s no stopping them from telling the world. When a guy meets a great girl, every one of his friends knows it. He may not sing her praises or put her on a pedestal (right away) but he will at the very least say he’s met a girl that he’s crazy for. Don’t believe me? Ask any male. With women, it’s even more so. Why? Because we’re emotional creatures like that. We meet a guy that sweeps us off our feet, we do everything and tell everyone short of taking out an ad in the local paper. And no that’s not an exaggeration, believe me – lol.

There’s a difference between being a private person and letting all your business hang out for the world to see. Then add being flat out SECRETIVE about who you’re with and that adds a whole other dynamic to the conversation. It’s only human nature to showcase your happiness. And rarely will someone NOT do that unless other factors come into play. When dating someone pay attention to the signs of whether or not you are being kept a secret for a legitimate reason (which I personally think there isn’t one) or for something more sinister. Privacy vs. secrecy. Know the difference.

If you are dating someone of “stature” and you don’t measure up, chances are you won’t be raved about. Let’s be honest. If you look at who you’re dating, talking to, sleeping with and etc, and you feel you aren’t up to their standards, chances are they feel the same way. It’s almost like they are too ashamed to come out and admit they like you or are with you because they fear what others think. Or, because of their own self-hatred feel they have taken a step back by being with someone who’s clearly not on the level of the last person they dated. They feel ashamed and put that shame onto you, which is so wrong on so many levels. They CHOSE to be with you – in whatever capacity, yet punish you because you aren’t good enough. Why mess with you then? Probably because you made yourself available in whatever way they needed you to be. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they will discard you for someone more their “type”. This isn’t too far from the truth in most cases but rarely will you find someone to be honest enough to admit that. Most people don’t want to be seen as someone who’s “dating down” … so even if the situation they have is a good one, if you aren’t an “upgrade” chances are you won’t be spoken about.  Who does the secrecy protect? Their reputation. One they probably don’t even realize means shit all.

There are some people who actually have been through the fire when it comes to putting themselves and their relationship out there for consumption and depending on how sincere they are when explaining their reasoning, the keeping you a secret COULD be legitimate. Let’s use Facebook as a prime example. Most people will tell you how crazy Facebook can be when it comes to relationships and how foul it can be. First of all, let me state it’s not the site or the “in a relationship with” option that breaks up a relationship. It’s the people who sign up and can’t mind their own business and the couple that allows third parties to break up a happy home. There have long since been leeches and bloodsuckers ready to break up a relationship – Facebook and the internet just make it that much easier is all. And boy I tell ya … misery loves her some company. I prefer to let people know I have someone but I ALSO prefer to keep that someone to myself. My closest friends and loved ones know who he is but I don’t need his name on my page, nor does his face or our pictures  belong everywhere for people to see, comment on or have randoms add to their own friends list that don’t even know him. What does that privacy protect? Our relationship.

Then you have those people who altogether REFUSE to acknowledge you in any capacity. They don’t even want to make it look like you’re their friend.  They barely text you (because that’s evidence) and if you try to talk to them, the convo’s are short and to the point. Most of anything you speak about is done face to face. For all intents and purposes, you basically only know them from the ‘net. You may be on their friends or follower lists but yet they don’t write on your wall or tweet you. If they acknowledge you at all its in a very general and HUGELY platonic way. To anyone looking in from the outside you’re probably just someone they know through the ‘net, in passing or from around the way. They’d never guess this was someone you see, sleep with and date regularly. This is probably the worst situation to be in, reason being because you probably are so blinded by their bullshit that you don’t see the signs that you are “the other” woman/man. More than likely, you’ve got that gut feeling that something about the way they treat you isn’t right but you still continue on this path because for whatever reason you’ve got no other path to travel. It’s so unhealthy and while you can’t prove it one thing you suspect is the secrecy this time, is usually protecting the boyfriend or girlfriend. Or wife. Or husband. SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for privacy. These days having a relationship is so hard because there are always people who want to bring you down and see you unhappy, which is really sad! If people spent as much time looking at their OWN lives rather than looking at other peoples’ imagine what the world would be like. But I’m preaching to the choir. At the same time, though, a relationship involves two people and two people only – not the world. Those two people have to be strong on their own and with each other to not allow outside influences break them apart. This doesn’t mean its OK to be secretive about your love and happiness but it means that BOTH people have to be on the same page about keeping things quiet. If it hurts your partner to constantly seem like a ghost in your life then you owe it to them to somehow make them know that’s not the case. How its done really depends on the status of your relationship with them and how creative you are. You need to find a balance in your relationship so that your partner feels you are proud of them and proud to be WITH them. Otherwise, self-doubt  rears its ugly head and all kinds of other emotions crop up, least of all resentment. It’s easily avoidable and the only way it can be done is through communication.

Keeping your relationship PRIVATE is one thing, keeping it a SECRET is another. There’s a fine line and minor difference between the two but be careful walking it. It could be what drives a wedge between you and the person you claim to care so much for. Once you cross that line, be prepared for all that comes along with it. Guaranteed if you make the wrong choice you’ll end up paying for it in the end and realizing it wasn’t worth it. Be wise within your relationship. Be fair to your mate.

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