Snooping Rather That Communicating

15 January 2011 at 2:11 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )


Well, well, well. I was on a forum recently where this topic came up and I was shocked this wasn’t something I had written about on here ever. If I have its evading me right now. I have a LOT of experience with this – LOL.

Anyway, what I’m talking about right now is snooping in the relationship. Snooping through your partners phones, emails, pockets and social network accounts. Is this right or wrong? When, if ever, is it acceptable? Does everyone do it? And how can this be avoided, if at all.

A lot of people will say they don’t snoop through their partners’ things but we all have at one time or another. If you say you haven’t then I guess you are better than the rest of us. Women, especially, will try to say they haven’t, in order to look like it’s below them to do such a thing but the ones adamantly saying they haven’t are usually the ones that have. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it but I’ve done it. Men, will say they haven’t simply because snooping is a “female trait” but how WRONG they are. I’ve dealt with and heard the most stories of men that snoop through their girls’ private life to find out things about her whereabouts and actions. At the end of the day, men AND women are guilty of this. Where does it stem from? Insecurity? Many people will say yes but personally, I feel like if you don’t give me a reason to snoop I won’t feel I have to. Bottom line. That’s nothing to do with insecurity. Your job in a relationship is to keep that other person feeling like they are the only one in your life, that they mean a lot to you, that they are special. If both people do their jobs, snooping will never, ever be an issue, unless the person IS just crazy and insecure and nothing you do appeases them, but if that’s the case you have a BIGGER problem on your hands. Anyway, I’m rambling ….

Here’s the thing, folks. We all know invasion of privacy is wrong. We all know if we had someone going through OUR shit, we’d be livid and feel disrespected and mistrusted, thus, we know snooping is wrong. BUT, is it EVER justified? I’ll be the first person to say, without apology, that it sure is. Again, it’s not RIGHT or acceptable but a lot of things aren’t “right” or acceptable and people do them everyday. So long as you have a legitimate reason to go looking for proof of infidelity or deceit then I say do what you have to do.

BUT ….

This should only be a last resort, people. This is ONLY something you should do if you have asked your partner about their behaviours or secrecies prior. You cannot just, out of nowhere, feel you’re going to go through your partners’ phone and emails because you have a hunch or are  having an insecure day. You can’t do this. There’s no justification there. None. BUT, if your partner has been acting shady or weird or is keeping secrets from you then you should talk to them about it. Voice your concerns with things you are noticing or seeing. Depending on HOW you approach the situation and WHAT you say, if there is nothing to hide, your partner will not take offense – it will be a conversation and not a confrontation. He/she may even SHOW you there is nothing to worry about. At this point you mind is at ease and if the trust is there, that will be good enough for you. If the trust ISN’T there, chances are you will need to ASK them to see there’s nothing to hide. This can go three ways:

1. your partner will let you see and nothing will be found. The problem with this is even though you weren’t accusatory they now feel they aren’t trusted and may withdraw from you even more.

2. your partner may have nothing to hide but they feel mistrusted and are offended you would ask them to see their private interactions with other people. This type of person usually doesn’t in ANY way understand why they were asked in the first place. They’re oblivious to their own behaviours, usually.

3. They have everything to hide and will manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about even asking. They will turn it around on you to make you feel like YOU are in the wrong. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy and insecure and even though you know you aren’t these things, you will start to feel like maybe they’re right. They will NOT show you anything and based on their adamant and belligerent response you know something is going on. So, you are left to take matters into your own hands. #3 was my last relationship.

The thing is, communication is and should work every time but that’s not always the case. It takes TWO people to communicate and if both parties don’t feel the same away about it, there’s no point. It has to be noted that when you go looking for things, you WILL find them. If you’re convinced your partner is cheating or doing things with other women you will not stop until you find that proof. This leads us to the bigger problem. If you feel this strongly about your significant other than that should say a LOT about the strength and status of your relationship. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking you need to be looking in your woman’s phone. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking your man is devoting attention you deserve to other women on social networking sites.

While snooping can be a problem, the bigger issue is that you have no trust in your relationship and what is a relationship without trust?

I’ve always said, if I snoop and find nothing I’ll leave it alone but what am I going to do? Change that whenever another situation comes up? Of course not. I’d go crazy. BUT, if my man isn’t willing to make me feel secure to the point where I’d never even have to DREAM of going through his things (as I of course would do for him in return) then why am I with him? No one wants to be accused of doing shady things behind their partners’ backs but at the same time NO ONE wants to be anyone’s fool and played for a sucker.

Take yourself for example, look at YOUR actions – if you’ve never done anything to make your man/woman feel like they need to snoop and they have, then this is an issue of theirs and you need to figure out if you can deal with someone like that. If your actions ARE questionable then no it doesn’t make their snooping excusable but their reasoning for doing it CAN be justified. If you don’t want to be checked up on then change your behaviours.  Simple. No one is right or wrong. No one wins in this situation.

I still say talking things out is always better. I still say if you’re gonna really go snooping, make sure you’ve exhausted all your other options. I still say if you plan on being with someone you have to constantly check up on, then you probably need to find someone else. And I still say, snooping isn’t as wrong as anyone thinks – provided there’s just cause.

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Social Media Doesn’t Ruin Relationships, People Do.

22 September 2010 at 2:52 pm (Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , , , , )


Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware of the troubles Facebook, Twitter and the internet as a whole can bring to a relationship, but let’s be clear here …. if your relationship isn’t solid,  social media outlets are only going to be fuel to an already raging fire.

I’ve had social media affect my relationships. How can they not? What your partner does online before your very eyes can be considered damning and disrespectful but at the end of the day, if you don’t trust them to do things like this ONLINE in front of your face, what do you think they do offline AWAY from you?

The bigger issue here is trust on a grander scale, not just trusting what your partner does on a website. If you can’t rely on your partner to do “the right thing” by you, by themselves and by your relationship, then Facebook, Twitter and the like are only a portion of your problem.

You can’t expect your partner to not flirt online if you do it yourself. You can’t expect to say “it’s just Facebook” if your partner is bothered by actions you’ve taken that hurt them.  You can’t write off what they say as insecurities or hogwash. Unless you deem them certifiably crazy, you’ve got to listen to their concerns and take them seriously. Then again, if you think they’re just insecure and crazy and making something out of nothing on a regular basis, why are you with them?

The inspiration behind this blog came from a guy I follow on Twitter, He said that if his girlfriend ever had Twitter, he wouldn’t follow her and maybe even block her because “twitter ruins relationships” to which I replied:  “So you would also have to make your page private so she couldn’t see what and who you tweet, right?”.  If I was his girlfriend, I’d think he had something to hide from me. He very well may not and may only be trying to preserve the relationship but I don’t much see the logic in preserving something that involves me all the while shutting me out JUST because you THINK what I see will cause me to act or feel a way. Why the secrecy? It’s an issue I’ve had to deal with personally and I’ve never been able to understand it or have someone explain it to me with validity.

There’s a difference between not being able to control what other people say, and doing things to others yourself. For example, if I was dating a guy and he had women fawning over him and complimenting him left and right I can’t fault HIM for it. Hell, if he’s sexy I can see why they would – but I would hold him accountable for how he responds to these women. If he says thank you and keeps it moving, good. If he engages in flirtatious banter, bad. If it’s the same girl over and over making suggestive comments then I’d hold them BOTH accountable. Her, for constantly chasing a man that’s taken and him for not making it clear he has a woman and isn’t interested. If that latter action is taken by him and she continues her pursuit, then she should be deleted because at that point she’s being blatantly disrespectful to me and my relationship and causing unnecessary trouble. This would seem easy, right? This would seem like the right thing to do but I’ve come across these situations, both personally and via other people’s’ stories to where the third-party was NOT deleted thus causing distrust and resentment.

Facebook, Twitter and such are only the means in which these people commit their  fuckery but its the PEOPLE in the situation ruining the relationship.

In a case like the one I mentioned all parties involved have a duty to handle the situation like mature adults and the two in the relationship will either make it a successful resolution or an unsuccessful one.

I don’t think its an insecurity or a “problem” for one party to voice their concerns about what is seen, said or done on a social networking site. I don’t think this makes anyone jealous. If it’s happening often you have to evaluate if they are doing it because you won’t make any changes or compromises or if they’re truly just trying to be controlling and demanding over you and the people you know. It’s a fine line, I understand but if their claims and examples are valid, where is the issue? There’s a level of comfort, patience and tolerance one can have when they feel threatened by someone infiltrating their relationship. A person will only take so much of someone interfering before they need to state their piece.  If you can’t understand or respect where they are coming from, the easiest thing to do is put yourself in their shoes.  Does it still seem so far-fetched then? I can bet you it doesn’t.

If you’re the type to chalk it up to the situation being “just online” then you have a deluded sense of reality. THESE days, even though a person can’t BLAME social media for the breakdown of a relationship, one CAN deduce that it can further crack an already broken foundation. What can “just be online” can quickly turn into something offline. Especially in my city. Everyone knows everyone and your paths WILL cross eventually.

Because of my personal experiences with this issue I’ve vowed to keep my relationship OFF the internet, at least until I’ve built a solid foundation with my partner. This doesn’t mean I’m going to allow certain things to slide should they happen but it just means my tolerance levels will be higher. I won’t have to worry about a third-party causing trouble if what he and I have is on point.

If you have trust issues with someone, they could shut down every account they have with a social networking site and it still won’t make you happy. If you don’t trust someone, you don’t trust someone. Period. Deleting accounts and certain troublemakers off those accounts may be a quick fix and a band-aid to an open wound but it’s not the resolution that will stand the test of time. Get your trust issues worked out and don’t blame a website for all your problems.

Take my word for it. I learned this the hard way.  And keep what’s closest to you and most private to YOURSELF. Allow people to know what you WANT them to know. What they NEED to know is subjective. The more you put yourself and your relationship out there for consumption, the more nosy people will be. There ARE assholes out there that like to cause trouble for no reason other than to do so. The last thing you’d want is to come across someone like that. If your relationship means that much to you, protect it at all costs …. by any means necessary – lol 😉

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