Holding Onto The Past

26 December 2010 at 2:21 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , )


How many of us hang onto something that isn’t good for us solely because we’re used to it? Because we’re comfortable there? Because knowing what to expect far outweighs our fear of the unknown? Because its familiar?

I’m guilty of all of the above. As a matter of fact, I did it for three years. I basically felt like, well, even though I’m not being treated or respected as I should be at least I KNOW what I’m going to get. Why not just stick it out and hope and pray it gets better? Why start over with someone else who I have no idea what he’s thinking or what his intentions are? What a waste of my time, I’d say.

WRONG. Pump the brakes. ERKS. Sound the buzzer. I couldn’t have been more backasswards if I tried. I took a lot of the last quarter if 2010 to do some deep thinking about life. Specifically mine of course but also in general.

I looked at why we hold onto people and things of the past that really have no bearing on who we are today or who we want to be tomorrow. It made me look at grudges, the blame game, baggage, holding onto the “all men are dogs” vs. “all women are sluts” mentality. I looked at why we make our partner of today pay for the partner of yesterday’s mistakes.

The one thing that I kept going back to as the #1 reason why we do this has nothing to do with THEM … it’s all to do with US. We just don’t know how to break away and take accountability for our own actions. People only allow treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you.

The fact we’ve been with them so long, have shared deep dark conversations, secrets and life experiences all make for such a familiar comfort zone that we don’t want to just up and leave and start to re-create with someone else.

I’m well aware that we all will have that ONE person we always go back to and will always have that special place in our heart for and those are the very people I’m referring to. At what point do we have to just say enough is enough? Dancing the tango for years and years before we decide to finally let go can leave us with calloused feet and thick ankles, in conjunction with weaker hearts and shortness of breath.  I looked at it quite simply and said, I’d think that the person I love wouldn’t have me dancing for years. They wouldn’t enjoy seeing me riding rollercoasters for years making me eternally sick  to my stomach with apprehension and worry about which loop-d-loop and drop is going to come next. We’d argue ad disagree but healthily so. But more than anything, they’d protect me. They’d carry me off the dance floor and rather than ride roller coasters, they’d play the ring toss and win me a stuffed animal.

Here’s the problem: if we don’t put our foot down and sternly say, this isn’t what we signed up for, this isn’t how you’re going to treat me, WHY wouldn’t that person stop acting the way they do? Sure, they should be their own person and should treat someone how they want to be treated (Golden Rule #1 of JK) but there are things in this world you just CANNOT control – least of all someone elses actions. Most people are selfish and stuck in their ways and with the way the world is headed, looking out for self is the be all and end all of human nature. NO ONE is going to look out for you, anymore. Those days are gone! You can only control your own actions and if the person you love isn’t mature enough to see that what they are doing is hurting or disrespecting you, then YOU need to change how you allow them to treat you. If they still don’t change their actions, then you need to move on because that person just exhibited to you, unequivocally, that you’re not important enough to change for. Or at the very least compromise with.

It’s not easy to let go of the past. This person can STILL always be “THAT” person for you but you don’t have to put all your blood, sweat and tears into them. You can be free and still hold onto memories (the good ones) and one day when you meet someone else who exemplifies all the things “THAT” person was to you AND MORE, you’ll be able to look back fondly and say “Why the HELL didn’t I move on sooner?”

The longer you hold on to what could’ve been, the more you’re taking away precious time from what’s to come.

Remember that.

Life is just way too short to keep someone around that doesn’t feel for you the way you do for them. And hoping they’ll come around is doing nothing but turning YOU bitter and mistrustful. People are who they are. Accept them as such or leave them behind when they aren’t who you hope them to be.

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I Grew Up Today

4 September 2008 at 11:17 pm (Beauty, Health & Fitness, Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Saying you are going to grow up one day, is the easiest thing in the world. Actually doing it, though? Hard as hell.

I’m sitting at work today and I’m trying to be cordial with him. I’m trying to offer something to him. A peace offering if you will. He refuses to take it. And, then, it hit me. I grew up today.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because I vowed when I started this blog I wouldn’t get personal. But sometimes you need to, if even just a bit, in order to showcase your point.

I used to be the type to hold grudges. To the point where it consumed me. Then I let all that shit go. I had to, for my sanity and for my health. I was stressing a lot and having migraines almost every day. But there was one person that could get underneath my skin like no other. One person that could push all my buttons and have me react in ways my own mother couldn’t. I asked myself why that was. WHY? He’s just a man. And I had to give it to myself straight. I had to be honest and bring it out. It’s not like I didn’t know. I did. I was in severe denial because I was in love.

I was too dependent on him for my sanity and happiness. So anytime he did something wrong, no matter HOW trivial, it shook me to my core. It threw me off balance. I realized that I’d become dependent and needy. All the things a woman should never be. Especially when it comes to a man.

I began to see that I was looking to him for validation and approval. And I wasn’t going to get it. Not from him. He’s not that type. He can’t and won’t validate me. It was HIS way of doing things. What I needed from him he refused to give me because it directly conflicted with his own needs. There would be no middle ground. And I knew this. But I still fought it. I hoped for change. I hoped for it to be better. He probably knew this but he wasn’t empathetic at all. Didn’t really seem to care. Didn’t feel like he had to. He wasn’t here to babysit me. I’m a grown ass woman. Apparently.

I needed to grow up.

The past few days I’ve thought about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that accountability is probably the most important part of growing up. Not blaming someone else for your problems and issues. Not holding someone else responsible for your indiscretions and not manipulating situations so that you are always right. Taking accountability for this and giving myself the truth talk has shown me I’ve finally grown up.

Sure I was paying bills. Sure I was living on my own. Sure I was holding down a full time job and more and more and more. But I was far from grown. I was young minded and still naive DESPITE thinking I was good to go. I thought I was GROWN.

I had sought advice about friendships and relationships from other people without first going to said friend or boyfriend. I wasn’t even asking MYSELF what I thought of the situation. I’d make up my mind without thought and then hear what I needed to from a biased person and that was it. That’s all there was. I wasn’t giving myself enough time to sit and reflect on a situation. But last night I laid my cards out on the table and while it killed me to do it, my heart was immediately lifted. My entire mind and body felt 1000X lighter.

The weight you discard when you have that shining moment is monumental. You IMMEDIATELY feel like the world has been taken off your shoulders. You smile more, even in the face of adversity. You laugh more, you hold your head higher. It just becomes a better and brighter day.

Today I grew up.

And I’m a better woman for it. I still have more things to learn of course, therefore I still have to grow. We are always growing. But today I grew UP. There’s a difference. And thank God it happened now. Today, I’m confident enough to say (and believe) I AM a grown woman.

I can honestly say, that I’m truly, genuinely happy (save for my crap job – ugh). But it’s OK because I’m working on a MAJOR change regarding the world of work. I just have to be smart about it.

[Audio=http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/1/18/1707081/Allen%20Anthony%20-%20Alright.mp3]

I was reminded of this track as I wrote this blog. There are no coincidences in life, I believe.

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