Snooping Rather That Communicating

15 January 2011 at 2:11 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

Well, well, well. I was on a forum recently where this topic came up and I was shocked this wasn’t something I had written about on here ever. If I have its evading me right now. I have a LOT of experience with this – LOL.

Anyway, what I’m talking about right now is snooping in the relationship. Snooping through your partners phones, emails, pockets and social network accounts. Is this right or wrong? When, if ever, is it acceptable? Does everyone do it? And how can this be avoided, if at all.

A lot of people will say they don’t snoop through their partners’ things but we all have at one time or another. If you say you haven’t then I guess you are better than the rest of us. Women, especially, will try to say they haven’t, in order to look like it’s below them to do such a thing but the ones adamantly saying they haven’t are usually the ones that have. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it but I’ve done it. Men, will say they haven’t simply because snooping is a “female trait” but how WRONG they are. I’ve dealt with and heard the most stories of men that snoop through their girls’ private life to find out things about her whereabouts and actions. At the end of the day, men AND women are guilty of this. Where does it stem from? Insecurity? Many people will say yes but personally, I feel like if you don’t give me a reason to snoop I won’t feel I have to. Bottom line. That’s nothing to do with insecurity. Your job in a relationship is to keep that other person feeling like they are the only one in your life, that they mean a lot to you, that they are special. If both people do their jobs, snooping will never, ever be an issue, unless the person IS just crazy and insecure and nothing you do appeases them, but if that’s the case you have a BIGGER problem on your hands. Anyway, I’m rambling ….

Here’s the thing, folks. We all know invasion of privacy is wrong. We all know if we had someone going through OUR shit, we’d be livid and feel disrespected and mistrusted, thus, we know snooping is wrong. BUT, is it EVER justified? I’ll be the first person to say, without apology, that it sure is. Again, it’s not RIGHT or acceptable but a lot of things aren’t “right” or acceptable and people do them everyday. So long as you have a legitimate reason to go looking for proof of infidelity or deceit then I say do what you have to do.

BUT ….

This should only be a last resort, people. This is ONLY something you should do if you have asked your partner about their behaviours or secrecies prior. You cannot just, out of nowhere, feel you’re going to go through your partners’ phone and emails because you have a hunch or are  having an insecure day. You can’t do this. There’s no justification there. None. BUT, if your partner has been acting shady or weird or is keeping secrets from you then you should talk to them about it. Voice your concerns with things you are noticing or seeing. Depending on HOW you approach the situation and WHAT you say, if there is nothing to hide, your partner will not take offense – it will be a conversation and not a confrontation. He/she may even SHOW you there is nothing to worry about. At this point you mind is at ease and if the trust is there, that will be good enough for you. If the trust ISN’T there, chances are you will need to ASK them to see there’s nothing to hide. This can go three ways:

1. your partner will let you see and nothing will be found. The problem with this is even though you weren’t accusatory they now feel they aren’t trusted and may withdraw from you even more.

2. your partner may have nothing to hide but they feel mistrusted and are offended you would ask them to see their private interactions with other people. This type of person usually doesn’t in ANY way understand why they were asked in the first place. They’re oblivious to their own behaviours, usually.

3. They have everything to hide and will manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about even asking. They will turn it around on you to make you feel like YOU are in the wrong. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy and insecure and even though you know you aren’t these things, you will start to feel like maybe they’re right. They will NOT show you anything and based on their adamant and belligerent response you know something is going on. So, you are left to take matters into your own hands. #3 was my last relationship.

The thing is, communication is and should work every time but that’s not always the case. It takes TWO people to communicate and if both parties don’t feel the same away about it, there’s no point. It has to be noted that when you go looking for things, you WILL find them. If you’re convinced your partner is cheating or doing things with other women you will not stop until you find that proof. This leads us to the bigger problem. If you feel this strongly about your significant other than that should say a LOT about the strength and status of your relationship. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking you need to be looking in your woman’s phone. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking your man is devoting attention you deserve to other women on social networking sites.

While snooping can be a problem, the bigger issue is that you have no trust in your relationship and what is a relationship without trust?

I’ve always said, if I snoop and find nothing I’ll leave it alone but what am I going to do? Change that whenever another situation comes up? Of course not. I’d go crazy. BUT, if my man isn’t willing to make me feel secure to the point where I’d never even have to DREAM of going through his things (as I of course would do for him in return) then why am I with him? No one wants to be accused of doing shady things behind their partners’ backs but at the same time NO ONE wants to be anyone’s fool and played for a sucker.

Take yourself for example, look at YOUR actions – if you’ve never done anything to make your man/woman feel like they need to snoop and they have, then this is an issue of theirs and you need to figure out if you can deal with someone like that. If your actions ARE questionable then no it doesn’t make their snooping excusable but their reasoning for doing it CAN be justified. If you don’t want to be checked up on then change your behaviours.  Simple. No one is right or wrong. No one wins in this situation.

I still say talking things out is always better. I still say if you’re gonna really go snooping, make sure you’ve exhausted all your other options. I still say if you plan on being with someone you have to constantly check up on, then you probably need to find someone else. And I still say, snooping isn’t as wrong as anyone thinks – provided there’s just cause.

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Women Lead, Men Follow

23 September 2010 at 10:19 am (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

“When females start acting like women. Males will start acting like men.” Source

This was a tweet that was RT’d on my timeline last night and I was intrigued so I went to the person’s page and found out what he meant by it. (You’ll see more of the tweets repeated throughout this post in order to illustrate my viewpoint, btw.) He was going on and on about if women start being women, men will stop treating us like bitches and hoes. The way we act dictates how we’re treated. Made complete sense to me.  My first instinct wasn’t to defend my gender or to take offense. My first instinct was to tell him how right he is. That’s not to say ALL the responsibility is on us. Men have to be accountable for their actions and there are exceptions to every rule. I mean, many good men and women are hurt and treated like crap everyday by people that are just assholes by nature and cruel and cold-hearted.

” … OR THEY WOULDN’T GET NO PUSSY!!!!!!!!!!!! niggas will do WHATEVER to get some pussy.”

He went on to say that men will do almost anything to get that pussy but that a man WILL wait for it if he wants it bad enough. We just need to make him invest time. I agree of course but there’s one fundamental problem. There will always be another female willing to gie up the goods if I don’t. So any hoops I make him jump through could be all for nothing. Also, once he gets what he’s been wanting, what’s to stop him from moving on to someone else? These are questions that have no clear answer but the more time you spend with someone you’ll see if their intentions with u are genuine or not. That only comes with experience in trial and error. You can’t learn from any mistake you haven’t made and no one is psychic. This is why DATING is so important.  People need to start DATING again. Get to KNOW someone before you jump into a relationship or bed with them. You’ll have to trust your gut and intuition though. The world is full of liars and deceivers.

He went on to say something that was very interesting. He said that back in high school it was “cool” to call a girl cute or fine but women eventually got tired of hearing the same thing and wanted to be called beautiful and etc., so men switched up their game once we were put onto it. Basically,  it’s the same game but with different plays being drawn for the team. And, women believe it. They really believe they’re being called beautiful. No, chick … he just did what he had to do to be “different”. Next thing you know, men will start admiring women for their “wit and smarts” once beautiful has run its course. The goal of the lie is the same but the lie is being told a different way. Women need to be able to tell the difference.

Many women nowadays are just like men. We have a man’s mentality. We’re all just about getting our nut, too. We’ve been played and hurt so much, we feel it makes sense to forgo having feelings for anyone so if we can’t beat ’em, we might as well join ’em.  It’s a horrible way to interact with the opposite sex and many women do it because they feel they have no choice not because that’s their first instinct. So this begs the question of how do we “get back”? Slowly, but surely. The other issue is that even if we saw a huge shift in women changing up would it be enough of us to create a stand? Meaning, will men REALLY take note and respond accordingly? There will always be hoes and prostitutes and strippers to give men what they need so if we, as everyday women, aren’t giving it up will he REALLY stick around and work for our affection knowing what he can get is just a phone call away?

BUT, my personal belief is that if women made a conscious decision to band together and demand respect and didn’t give it up so easy, men probably would change. We are the smarter gender and we do have extreme power between our legs. And with great power comes great responsibility.  We were created as a recipe for  disaster with a brain and pussy but we need to reel it in and start demanding respect. That brain and pussy is worthless if we’re not using one and only using the other as something to hold over a man.  We can’t really complain about things men do if we allow it to be done. This is where WE have to assume accountability, now.

“So if you act like a lady and stop lettin niggas hit in under a month and make them invest some time into you. They’re not gonna wanna leave.”

When u make a man work for it he’ll appreciate it more, this is true, but make the right choice in the first place. A guy that’s up to no good WILL wait around for you (while doing his bs on the side) and soon as you give it up he’ll leave. So, yes,  while it’s in part that we have to make him work for it, we also have to make the right choice of man in the first place> Who wants to waste their time dating a crap guy that’s only gonna stay for what he wants and be out ANYWAY?

“If females acted ‘hard to get’ like jobs are these days, when a man got one he would keep it cause it’s hard to find another one.”

In conclusion, I think I think it’s safe to say we all know we can’t change a person but we can shape them and their habits – help them to be better. That’s what we ALL should look for in a mate. And since we ALSO all know men take longer to mature than us, what’s wrong with helping that “change” along? LMAO. That last part was said in jest … don’t get your boxer briefs in a tizzy, guys.

Follow the inspiration behind this post:

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It’s Men Like Him ….

23 September 2009 at 4:18 pm (Life, Love & Relationships, Rants, WTF!?) (, , , , , , , , )

… that make me not trust the male species.

I’m not one to male bash and say all men are dogs because I KNOW that’s not the case. But I can’t lie or front and say that HE isn’t the reason why I always have my guard up and why I’m super cautious when trusting the words and actions of a man.

Some background: I casually dated a guy for about a year roughly 3-4 years ago. I had known him for even longer before that but we met online and never met despite living in the same city. We got together one night and we instantly clicked. We hung out often and I thought he was different because HE was the one that stated he didn’t want to move too fast or have sex right away because it complicated matters. I thought he was awesome. About 3 months later we slept together for the first time and it was good. I really liked him a lot but I was still not done dealing with the break up of my daughter’s father and I so I just quite enjoyed his company. Whatever it was he and I had, I liked it as it was. I didn’t chase him, I didn’t harass him and I sure didn’t nag him for a relationship. He is a party promoter and good at what he does, he was also really busy … I didn’t beg and plead for his time – he saw me when he could and I was OK with that. Then almost a year in, I started noticing things to make me believe maybe he wasn’t who I thought he was. Those details are pertinent but not necessarily ones I want to share. In any case I soon found out he had a girlfriend. I wasn’t sure how long they had been together but it didn’t matter. All that mattered was I was officially his “side piece” and he had lied to me, deceived me and lead me on. I was really angry and hurt by it and he never really admitted it or apologized. I cut him off and didn’t speak to him for MONTHS. Eventually I forgave him but for MY benefit, not his own. I soon realized that all that “let’s not have sex right away” talks were probably ony because he had a girl. I’d been duped.

I started a new relationship with my (male) best friend at this time and that “other guy” became nothing more than a distant memory. I seen him around the way from time to time and we even hung out a few times (at this point he had apologized for his previous actions, but who knows how sincere it was) but I never fully trusted him again so it was pointless for us to be anything other than friends, but even as my “friend” I held back from him. He always eluded to our past relationship and always hinted at sex and wanting it and how good it was. I was often left to believe that was the only thing he remembered about me. It hurt but all the same I used his love for my sex to my advantage. I never gave in despite all his attempts.

We don’t talk often but from time to time we do. I eventually took him off my Facebook, all my IM’s and even my BBM list. I left him on my Twitter for reasons I don’t even know. I even took his number out of my address book. One day a few months ago I got a text from him. I knew it was him right away (sadly, his number, although erased, was still etched in my brain) … I played dumb and asked who it was. His reply: “Clearly, you deleted my number so nevermind.” Haha. Then a couple weeks after that I got a message from him on Twitter. We slowly began talking again but it was really innocent and brief conversations. But, like clockwork, he AGAIN  eventually started hinting at sex and I bluntly asked him if he was still attached. He said he was. I just shook my head. I pretty much leave him alone. He did ask if he could re-add me to BBM. I said fine. But he won’t re-add me to Facebook. Probably too much at risk to do that *rolls eyes*. This was about 3 months ago.

I awoke yesterday morning to a text from him: “…” <== wth? I didn’t know what that meant so I texted back “?” and he replied: “Sorry, I was having dirty thoughts” … OH MY WORD. That entire day he and I went back and forth on BBM. I didn’t encourage any of his fuckery though I definitely put forth a lot of set ups to find out what I needed to find out. He took the bait everytime.

He went into details about why he still thinks of me, how I pleased him and how much he thinks about it. I asked him if he was getting taken care of at home and he told me he is but that “You are you, you know that”. Now, I’m not one to brag but I know what I’m capable of. I’m good at making a man feel good. BUT, I didn’t think it was possible to have a man feeling this open after 3 years. I won’t lie. I felt flattered and wanted but I knew the dangers. (I should mention I found out he was with a new girl … not the same one from 3 years ago) If I was a different kind of female I would take his shit, sleep with him and pity his girlfriend but I respect other people’s relationships (the same can’t be said for other people and MY OWN) and I fear karma. I DO however, pity his girl.

I asked him if he believed what he was doing with me was cheating and he said he didn’t know but assumed I did given that I asked the question.

Later on in the conversation I asked him what he wanted and he told me he wanted me to come over that same night. I said that he knew that couldn’t happen and then he asked me flat out “Do you want to fuck?” and to that I replied: “Do you want to cheat on your girlfriend?” He answered no and that’s when I went in on him and said, it doesn’t matter what I want. I’m single and owe no one anything but he is in a relationship and should he not want to cheat then don’t. Should he want to fuck me, then come with it and cheat. You can’t have it both ways. He never responded to that outburst and the message was definitely read on BBM.

I can bet you if his girl read that conversation she would FREAK OUT. I know I would. He is trying to play me dark … Like I’m some regular lame broad with no respect or morals or SENSE. I hate him for that and it makes me angry that he feels I would crumble to his “charm” … Does he think that little of me? I feel bad for his girlfriend who is unsuspecting and probably thinks he’s the greatest guy in the world. If she only knew …

He is the reason I get so suspicious with regards to men and their intentions. It’s so easy for him to come at me how he does and feel no two ways about it. I don’t understand it at all. Does he think I’m OK with being a sideline hoe? How can he think that when he knows where I stood and what I did when he put me in that position before? He just lacks respect for me and it pisses me off. But the real victim here is his girlfriend. It’s not my place to say anything to her but I do hope she wises to his ways. He may have been unsuccessful at fucking me but I’m sure there is a line up of willing chicks to take my place.

I talked to a mutual friend of ours about this situation and left out all identifying details and without he or I admitting it, we both knew who each other meant. He told me that they (this guy and his gf) are actually pretty close and lovey dovey with each other – sometimes to the point its almost sickening (his words, not mine) and this made me feel even worse for her.

I sometimes want to say something and other times I don’t but in the end I know he will get his. He needs to grow up. I can tell you this much .. he will NEVER have this again. He’s gone SO far beyond the line … When I see how easy it is for a man to be unfaithful and deceitful it makes me want to stay single and how I am forever.


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Movie: “Obsessed” Trailer – April 2009

14 March 2009 at 10:12 am (Celebrity, Entertainment, Movies) (, , , , , , , , , )

This movie stars Idris Elba, Beyonce, and Ali Larter caught up in a three way web of lies, deceit, and obsession. The story follows Elba whose character is a prominent asset manager happily married to the gorgeous Beyonce. When a beautiful new temp, played by Larter, starts working for him, so does a never ending series of obsessive events causing all the things he’s worked so hard for to become jeopardized.

In my HUMBLE opinion after watching this trailer, I can say the movie looks pretty good but it reminds me of an updated Fatal Attraction and a kind of reversed and twisted Disclosure.

Obsessed hits theatres April 24.

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