That Black & White Issue. Yea, THAT One.

28 September 2010 at 7:08 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Family, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

First of all let me just say I KNOW there are more than just two races in this world. I don’t need to justify WHY I chose to talk about blacks & whites today rather than Asians and Hispanics. I’m just doing it. A random thought crossed my mind earlier after something I saw on Twitter. I’ll explain it so you can understand where I’m coming from and I hope some good discussion will come of this.

So, I saw this girl on my follower list (she’s white) tell one of my OTHER followers (he’s black) that he was “so cute”. Perfectly harmless, no big deal. His response was “likewise” and that was it. She’s now following him. He’s now following her. Maybe your minds work differently, but I started thinking about how she can just come out of nowhere and tell a guy he’s cute without thinking whether or not he’ll respond to her in a positive way (and yes, I’m talking about being attracted to each other based on race and race alone). The fact that she didn’t have to assess the situation or think about whether or not he even LIKED white women made me wonder and then later realize, there is a comfort level white women have that black women don’t when it comes to dating outside of our race.

As a black woman who has dated a couple of white men before, I have to say I didn’t always feel like I was a GIRLFRIEND or a significant other when I was with them. I always felt like it was a big deal if I asked to meet his parents, or when we were out I felt like he was constantly wondering about the stares we were getting. And we DID get them, but they definitely bothered him more than me.  I would voice my concerns and they’d always be written off as insecurities or I was “thinking about it too much”. I often wondered if it WAS just me. Maybe I WAS insecure. Maybe I wasn’t good enough and it had nothing to do with my skin colour, but then I realized, no …. I never had to deal with this OR feel like this with my black boyfriends. And I never go against my gut. My gut and intuition told me something wasn’t right. Besides, after I’d voice my concerns and the guys would SAY and ACT LIKE they got it, nothing changed. I never did meet his parents and he wouldn’t always hold my hand in public. So, who was right? He or I?

I’ve come to the conclusion that white men love to “try us out” because we’re looked at as freaky or whores (and don’t even get me started on the historical massa vs.  slave issue) but won’t date us seriously, bring us home to meet the parents, procreate with us or marry us. I often feel like if a white guy is interested in me it’s because I’d be his first black girl experience.  Or that I’d be his “chocolate fantasy” and I just can’t get with that. I don’t want to be “exoticized” or thought of as some wild bedroom goddess that will do everything his previous white partners won’t/didn’t do. Is this stereotyping? Maybe. Is it generalizing? Possibly. Is what I’m saying so far from the truth? Absolutely not.

The problem is this: people who date EXCLUSIVELY outside of their race don’t seem to understand the pitfalls of doing so. You lose touch with reality and start to only see ONE side of things. I actually had someone on Twitter, who’s white, tell me that the reason white men don’t date black women is because they could be intimidated. I was like … WHAT? So ALL black women are intimidating? And we’re only this way to WHITE MEN? Huh? I asked her what they could be intimidated OF and she said, right or wrong, the media portrays black women as “abrupt and loud, etc” and this could be intimidating to them. I was low-key annoyed at that statement but welcomed discussion on the matter. I immediately disagreed and replied: Well if the media is forming the white man’s opinions of black women then why aren’t white women afraid of the big bad, criminal, drug dealing, gangsta-rapping, baby daddy? Let’s be real here! The black man is the most ostracized, criticized and oppressed species on this PLANET.  If that theory of hers held true then why aren’t white women intimidated by black men? I’ll wait for a rebuttal ………………..*crickets*………………….. Exactly.

MY own experiences on the matter, is that white men have yet to wrap their head around society accepting them dating a black woman. It’s common for a black man to be famous and rich and have a white woman on his arm and MOST people, while maybe silently brooding, are OK with that. But let the tables be turned and you see a famous black woman with a white man on her arm. She’s labelled a sell out or the man must be a sugar daddy or something stupid like that.

When I see a good-looking guy (and for argument’s sake, lets say he’s black) my first instinct is to flirt with him and get his attention, let him know I’m interested and I don’t think twice about it. However, if I see a good-looking white guy my first instinct is to look for signs that he SOMEHOW will like me, and by me I mean ME AS A BLACK WOMAN, and if I see it, I go for it. Usually, though, I see NOTHING so that guy “gets away”.  Stereotypically, the only way I can “assume” a white guy will like me is if he appears “urban” …. or lets just come out and say “if he’s a wigger”. And yes, I know the consequences of assuming but it is what it is.

If I’m going to date a white man I want to date one that’s not trying to get my attention by adopting my culture and perpetuating all the negative stereotypes that glorify “being black”. If I’m going to date a white man I want a man who is just as proud of his race as I am of mine but, like me, doesn’t see colour when he falls in love with me. He sees ME. I see HIM. But this day in age, that’s just doing too much.

White women, in my opinion, just don’t have this issue at ALL. Y’all should feel lucky you can date white and black men and be able to do it freely (in the easiest sense of the word) without worrying about HOW you got him or HOW you had to analyze things first. It’s so much more common and accepted to see a black guy with a white woman so therefore white women are QUITE confident in their ability to holla at a black man and not have to worry about being rejected solely on the colour of their skin. For ME, I can take rejection. It’s not a problem. People are attracted to whomever they’re attracted to but to know that I liked you regardless of your race, yet my race is why you’re rejecting me, would BURN deep. So, I usually just don’t bother. If I end up dating a white guy it’s because HE approached ME. And if I waited for a white guy that I was feeling to approach me, I’ll die alone and bitter and angry and all kinds of negative emotions.

I don’t know many white guys that outright proclaim they love black women and have actually DATED them seriously (in actuality, I know 2) but I know a HUGE amount of black guys that will go on and on for DAYS about how much they love white girls. And you know what? Everything I said about liking someone for the stereotypes about their race could apply to THAT dynamic as well BUT I’m a BLACK WOMAN. I would never propose to speak on an issue I don’t know. I can tell you my thoughts on the matter (and that would only require a sentence or two) but I’m not a black man or a white woman. So I speak on what I know, go through and experience.

It’s very interesting to me.

I hope this post didn’t come off as bitter or too harsh. I definitely do not want to offend anyone. This really started off as a mere thought that has now turned into this blog. I’d love to hear any and all feedback – good or bad and have some great discussion. Please comment if you feel so compelled.

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Are You Really Cockblocking If You’re Telling the Truth?

18 July 2010 at 8:08 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , , , )

I woke up the other morning to a bunch of emails on my Blackberry.

Anyone that’s on Facebook knows if you comment on someone’s picture you’ll get notifications that someone else commented after you. My emails stated the same chick commented on about 3 (or maybe it was 4 – don’t remember) pictures after me.

I get these messages ALL the time. I never pay attention but this time I did. The name was familiar to me. As well as the pictures she was commenting on. They were pictures of my ex. An ex from back when I was 20/21. This ex is not someone I talk to on a very regular basis but we are still good friends and we always have great conversations and still respect one another. It was this respect that made me do what I’m about to show you. I want to state that I grappled with doing this for about a week but I felt like, truthfully, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. What I’m about to show you some would say is “cock-blocking” (or for the sake of who’s involved – “pussy blocking”). But really?

Is it pussy blocking if I don’t want the guy and I’m telling the truth?

So, I hit him up and was like “What’s the deal with this broad?” and of course he wanted to know the history, why I was asking, etc, etc. I was honest and told him that this girl and I had never met face to face but that I had had interactions with her online. I explained we had some mutual friends. I explained that I didn’t knock the girl as far as her looks (she’s a pretty girl) and I wouldn’t talk about her being a whore or slut, even though I’d heard things (because who really knows anyone’s bedroom antics but the people involved?). All I could speak to was what I’d witnessed and read from her OWN accord. I told him flat-out I think she’s a bitch. She’s arrogant, self-centered, conceited and stuck up. I also said (from a personal standpoint) that she’s not a nice person. I could give you a couple of examples as to why I say this but the one that sticks out the most is: she tried to bright herself on a forum I used to belong to. Shortly before my grandmother succumbed to lung cancer, a few years ago, I had asked for prayers for her and my family and this bitch had the nerve to question why I was online (never mind the fact it was late at night and I had work the next morning) and stated I should have been with my grandmother at this time. She had no idea how severe (or lack thereof) the situation was. She just felt it was fine to make an unnecessary statement. When I read that (as well as remembered previous petty and snarky remarks she had made towards me unprovoked) I realized she wasn’t genuinely concerned for me. Had she been, I’d have allowed the comment but the word choice and blatant disregard for compassion pissed me off and it was then and there I realized I didn’t like this wench.

So, flash forward a few years later I see this trick is now trying to get in good with my ex? I had to let him know what I knew. Always fact. NEVER fiction. I didn’t even tell him about the aforementioned story because my personal dislike of her really didn’t have anything to do with me warning him about who she was as a person. I kept it straight and to the point.

I don’t want my ex back. We dated over 8 years ago and I’m very, very happy with the man I’m with now. But as I said, I consider him a good friend and he is an even better person. I know what he deserves, I know what he doesn’t. Quite simply, she’s just not good enough for him. Of course this isn’t my choice to make for him. But I believe EVERYONE has the right to know what they’re getting into. He needs to know her “nigga” of choice is a “street/thug nigga.” And he is NONE of those things. He’s a good, hard working man that has NEVER looked on that lifestyle as a good thing. Furthermore, he’s never been the type to look twice at females that do. I wanted to make sure she wasn’t pulling the wool over his eyes. If I was being spiteful or vindictive or if I wanted him, I’d be the first to admit my bias in the matter would be and should be questioned but it really and truly is about nothing more than me not wanting to see him with someone like her or worse, see him hurt. He deserves better.  Period. I am aware that this could make me look like a “hater” or a “cock blocker” but I don’t see it. I feel like I’m helping a friend make an informed decision. I would only hope he or any other of my friends would do the same for me.

Would this be a different story if this guy was a friend only and not an ex? Would it be different if I didn’t know the girl? (Of course it would). Would it be different if my ex was instead a female friend and the girl a guy? There are so many factors at work here and every situation is different. I even told him: “Fuck her, date her, have a good time with her but if you wife her I’ll object.” LOL! I said it jokingly but somewhat meant it.

In any event, if I have loyalty to anyone, it’s to him. And I did my part.  It’s in his hands now. I trust his judgement and I know he can’t be played or made a fool of. Knowing this is why I second guess if what I did was correct. If she’s all the things I say she is then he would see it without me having to tell him but life is too short to waste your time on chicks. Why shouldn’t I help out and speed up the inevitable? Straight up.

Besides, at at the end of the day KARMA IS A MOTHERFUCKER! Don’t talk shit about or to people you don’t know because one day you may find yourself liking some random guy you met online and his ex will be the first person to tell him what a BITCH you are.


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Who Does Secrecy REALLY Protect?

4 May 2010 at 3:02 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Privacy vs. secrecy. There’s a difference you know.

Let’s explain. You have two people who like each other and are dating and getting to know each other. One party probably likes the other party more and therefore wants to share with their friends the excitement they feel at the potential of what could possibly be a relationship. However, the other party isn’t really sure and while they may like this person, they don’t know if they actually SEE potential. So, rather than just come out and SAY this, they delay the inevitable, allowing party A to feel something is growing between them, when in reality had they just paid attention to the signs, a huge confuffle would’ve been avoided.

When men and women like each other – and REALLY like each other, there’s no stopping them from telling the world. When a guy meets a great girl, every one of his friends knows it. He may not sing her praises or put her on a pedestal (right away) but he will at the very least say he’s met a girl that he’s crazy for. Don’t believe me? Ask any male. With women, it’s even more so. Why? Because we’re emotional creatures like that. We meet a guy that sweeps us off our feet, we do everything and tell everyone short of taking out an ad in the local paper. And no that’s not an exaggeration, believe me – lol.

There’s a difference between being a private person and letting all your business hang out for the world to see. Then add being flat out SECRETIVE about who you’re with and that adds a whole other dynamic to the conversation. It’s only human nature to showcase your happiness. And rarely will someone NOT do that unless other factors come into play. When dating someone pay attention to the signs of whether or not you are being kept a secret for a legitimate reason (which I personally think there isn’t one) or for something more sinister. Privacy vs. secrecy. Know the difference.

If you are dating someone of “stature” and you don’t measure up, chances are you won’t be raved about. Let’s be honest. If you look at who you’re dating, talking to, sleeping with and etc, and you feel you aren’t up to their standards, chances are they feel the same way. It’s almost like they are too ashamed to come out and admit they like you or are with you because they fear what others think. Or, because of their own self-hatred feel they have taken a step back by being with someone who’s clearly not on the level of the last person they dated. They feel ashamed and put that shame onto you, which is so wrong on so many levels. They CHOSE to be with you – in whatever capacity, yet punish you because you aren’t good enough. Why mess with you then? Probably because you made yourself available in whatever way they needed you to be. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they will discard you for someone more their “type”. This isn’t too far from the truth in most cases but rarely will you find someone to be honest enough to admit that. Most people don’t want to be seen as someone who’s “dating down” … so even if the situation they have is a good one, if you aren’t an “upgrade” chances are you won’t be spoken about.  Who does the secrecy protect? Their reputation. One they probably don’t even realize means shit all.

There are some people who actually have been through the fire when it comes to putting themselves and their relationship out there for consumption and depending on how sincere they are when explaining their reasoning, the keeping you a secret COULD be legitimate. Let’s use Facebook as a prime example. Most people will tell you how crazy Facebook can be when it comes to relationships and how foul it can be. First of all, let me state it’s not the site or the “in a relationship with” option that breaks up a relationship. It’s the people who sign up and can’t mind their own business and the couple that allows third parties to break up a happy home. There have long since been leeches and bloodsuckers ready to break up a relationship – Facebook and the internet just make it that much easier is all. And boy I tell ya … misery loves her some company. I prefer to let people know I have someone but I ALSO prefer to keep that someone to myself. My closest friends and loved ones know who he is but I don’t need his name on my page, nor does his face or our pictures  belong everywhere for people to see, comment on or have randoms add to their own friends list that don’t even know him. What does that privacy protect? Our relationship.

Then you have those people who altogether REFUSE to acknowledge you in any capacity. They don’t even want to make it look like you’re their friend.  They barely text you (because that’s evidence) and if you try to talk to them, the convo’s are short and to the point. Most of anything you speak about is done face to face. For all intents and purposes, you basically only know them from the ‘net. You may be on their friends or follower lists but yet they don’t write on your wall or tweet you. If they acknowledge you at all its in a very general and HUGELY platonic way. To anyone looking in from the outside you’re probably just someone they know through the ‘net, in passing or from around the way. They’d never guess this was someone you see, sleep with and date regularly. This is probably the worst situation to be in, reason being because you probably are so blinded by their bullshit that you don’t see the signs that you are “the other” woman/man. More than likely, you’ve got that gut feeling that something about the way they treat you isn’t right but you still continue on this path because for whatever reason you’ve got no other path to travel. It’s so unhealthy and while you can’t prove it one thing you suspect is the secrecy this time, is usually protecting the boyfriend or girlfriend. Or wife. Or husband. SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for privacy. These days having a relationship is so hard because there are always people who want to bring you down and see you unhappy, which is really sad! If people spent as much time looking at their OWN lives rather than looking at other peoples’ imagine what the world would be like. But I’m preaching to the choir. At the same time, though, a relationship involves two people and two people only – not the world. Those two people have to be strong on their own and with each other to not allow outside influences break them apart. This doesn’t mean its OK to be secretive about your love and happiness but it means that BOTH people have to be on the same page about keeping things quiet. If it hurts your partner to constantly seem like a ghost in your life then you owe it to them to somehow make them know that’s not the case. How its done really depends on the status of your relationship with them and how creative you are. You need to find a balance in your relationship so that your partner feels you are proud of them and proud to be WITH them. Otherwise, self-doubt  rears its ugly head and all kinds of other emotions crop up, least of all resentment. It’s easily avoidable and the only way it can be done is through communication.

Keeping your relationship PRIVATE is one thing, keeping it a SECRET is another. There’s a fine line and minor difference between the two but be careful walking it. It could be what drives a wedge between you and the person you claim to care so much for. Once you cross that line, be prepared for all that comes along with it. Guaranteed if you make the wrong choice you’ll end up paying for it in the end and realizing it wasn’t worth it. Be wise within your relationship. Be fair to your mate.

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Interracial Dating

13 February 2010 at 7:03 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants, WTF!?) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It’s not that I’m against interracial dating. I’d be silly to be against it.  I come from a family where EVERYONE is mixed with something – myself included. What I have a problem with is the reasons behind why some people do it. I try to not pass judgement or make assumptions as to why a couple may be together but when you observe the masses as much as I do you get to know who’s genuinely in love and who’s just in lust and who’s just doing it for the experience. I’m not so much griping about the people that do it for the experience though. It’s human nature to be curious and hey, through experience you learn and build knowledge. To each his own.

Earlier in the week, John Mayer had the internet going crazy with his comments about dating black women (or his lack of dating black women) and his use of the “N” word. This isn’t the blog for me to express my opinions on THAT subject but I’ll say this: #1. I don’t care that he used the word. I really don’t. #2. John Mayer needs some chocolate in his lil perfect lily white life. LOL.

Ok, no …  all jokes aside there is a difference between loving who someone is and loving someone for who you think them to be. For example, when I see a black man in the street with a white woman on his arm my first instinct is NOT to recoil, turn my head, roll my eyes or kiss my teeth. Like my girl, Darcel says, I’m NOT gonna “sista girl” you to death. It’s not my place to judge you and your relationship but I find that it’s usually the white woman who has an issue with ME when we pass. She may reach for his hand or grip up his arm as if to let me know he’s with HER and SHE may stare ME down thinking I may have something to say about being with a brotha. Chick, PLEASE. If he’s with YOU then clearly he’s not interested in ME. Same could be said for ANY race. As a black woman I get those looks from asian, white and even indian women. Get over yourselves. NO ONE wants your man and NO ONE is going to look at you sideways for dating someone who doesn’t have the same skin colour as you. Especially not I.

To be somewhat fair, I’ll say that I understand SOME white women (especially, white women) experience some foul treatment from SOME black women and so they are immediately on the defensive. I get that but to that I always say this: if you are confident in your relationship and you know what you and your man have is based on real and genuine love and not some stereotypical phase then DO YOU and don’t even THINK to play into what people may have to feel or say about it. And more often than not, the mature, classy women are the ones that “get it”.

I find the aforementioned females that grip their man’s hand or stare me down are what I call “she think she hood” chicks. These are white girls (not to be confused with women) that think they’re hood (or “ghetto”) if you will. They basically take every negative or stupid stereotype about black people and perpetuate it to the 1000th degree. They adopt all the style, slang and movements of a black person that’s emulated on BET and go even farther with it. They even attach black girl weave to their silky blond hair! Now, let’s stop there for a moment. I KNOW white women wear extensions to make their hair appear fuller and longer … yes, yes I know this. I’m NOT ignorant but I’m talking about the weave that is worn to emulate BLACK HOOD CHICKS. Do we need a picture? You know the ones I’m talking about. ANYHOW … they’re the ones that ONLY like black men due to whatever reason: the big dick rumours, the Mandingo / best lover stereotype, the swagger, etc etc. They usually talk with a “ghetto” arrogance and maybe even have a horribly fake West Indian accent. One would think this is how YOUNG girls act but I know quite a few females my age that have this same attitude towards black men. Shame on them. Shame on YOU.

I don’t like seeing that. THAT is what bothers me. I don’t like seeing trophy chicks of ANY race on the arm of a black man. I just want people to love who they are. Love who they are with and stop dating someone based on a blatant lie you were told. NOT all black men have huge dicks. TRUST ME. Obviously, I haven’t seen all black penises but it only takes seeing ONE black man with a tinky winky to disapprove this stereotype.

I ALSO hate the people that say they ONLY date a certain race. How are you SO close minded and wack? How can you think an entire race is better than another for you to ONLY date them? This goes WELL beyond having a preference as well – so save that bull.

EVERYTHING I’ve said can be attributed to any race … black women dating white men and etc. We can go on and on about black women being “white washed” and dating a white man but I can’t sit here and talk about an experience I’ve never had. I see it but I’ve never had a black girl look at me when she was with her white man. I just haven’t.

I went out with and dated a white guy a couple times and I had white women literally shoot me daggers when I was with him in public. Sometimes I even feel like white guys love to date and fuck us black women but they wouldn’t marry us or bring us home to the folks. This may seem like a harsh thing to say but this is what I feel. My feelings are not facts nor do I pass them off as facts so please don’t argue with me about how I feel. I know not ALL white men feel this way as my step-father is a white man and he married my mother and his family accepted her and myself with OPEN arms.

The purpose of me writing this blog is to educate people on how their behaviours are viewed by others on the outside looking in. I often wonder if people even REALIZE they are doing half the shit they do. I want to believe they do but maybe its easier to believe they don’t.

If it’s too much to ask for someone to be themselves and date outside their race without thinking they need to become another race to be “down” then so be it. I’m not going to stop feeling disgusted at seeing “she think she hood” chicks with a guy when I know her ass grew up on Mississauga Road or in Cambridge. FOH.


And for the record, black men aren’t all you women have them cracked up to be. They aren’t any more special than any other race. Judge a man for what he is about and not the colour of his skin. Idiots. You’re the same ones complaining about not being able to find a good man but your track record states you aren’t dating anyone but hustlers and guys that think a 9 to 5 is below  them. Oh, and sometimes they beat and cheat on you on the regular, too. LOL.

True love IS indeed colour blind. Wake up.

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2/14: How Do You Feel About Valentine’s Day?

2 February 2010 at 8:34 pm (Funny Things, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , )

February 14 can strike into the hearts of many, thoughts of lust, romance, love, anger, bitterness or sheer HATE ;). If you’re like me though, you’ll just be completely indifferent to the day. After so many Valentine’s Days alone, one builds up quite the tolerance. LOL. If anything, take advantage of the candy sales on the 15th. Do you know how much V-Day chocolate you can get after the 14th for 50% off and MORE!?

It’s just a DAY people but already I’m seeing reactions (good and bad) to Valentine’s Day. Take a minute to vote in my poll and leave some words, if you’d like,  explaining your choice.

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5 Things To Help Secure A Successful Relationship

15 December 2009 at 11:25 pm (Life, Love & Relationships, Toronto Life) (, , , , , , , , )

I think this article written by Shayla Duval is amazing and on point. And not just because I recognize the mistakes I’ve made but because it makes complete sense even for the dumbest person to understand. LOL.

1. Be good friends

If your image of an ideal relationship is based on anything you’ve seen in a mainstream chick-flick, do yourself a favour and catapult that image out of your head right now.You know how we girls complain that porn gives men unrealistic expectations of women? Well chick-flicks are the female porn: they tell us that out there waiting for all of us is a perfect, one-dimensional, “normal” man  and such a creature just doesn’t exist.

Chances are, the majority of us aren’t going to marry men who are conventionally gorgeous, who don’t fart around us and think it’s hilarious, who aren’t into some unusual sex thing that (at least initially) weirds us out, who don’t watch porn… Guaranteed: the guy you end up with is going to have at least one of these things “wrong” with him.

So I say worry less about romance. It has its place, sure, but at the end of the day what you’re really looking for is someone you can be friends with. For me, that means things like being a good listener, having some common interests and sharing my sense of humour. These are the things that are going to help you stand each other’s company for extended periods of time and keep you together when things get rough.

Being friends before you enter into a romantic relationship is probably the ideal way to go about this, but sometimes not the most realistic way. If you date right from the start, the best advice is probably just to take it slow and focus on getting to know each other.If the guy you’re dating keeps pressing to move faster, physically or emotionally, take it as a sign that you two want different things.

2. Give sex the respect it deserves

This might sound uncharacteristically old-fashioned of me (and maybe even unrealistic I don’t actually know, I haven’t started dating a guy since high school), but I believe in waiting a good while before having sex with a guy if you’re serious about looking for a relationship. It’s not because I have any problem with casual sex or because I think it will ruin what would otherwise have been the perfect relationship (and in fact, I know at least one long-term couple who had sex before they started dating); it’s because having sex releases bonding hormones in women. Basically, if you have sex with a guy, your body might trick you into having feelings for him or being committed to him, even if he’s not actually a great match for you.

That being said, once you’re in a relationship, sex takes on a different kind of importance. I’ve already dedicated a whole article to this topic, so I won’t repeat myself too much, but let me briefly reiterate: whatever your thoughts, desires and beliefs about sex are, they’re okay  as long as you share all that with your partner and you come to some understanding and compromise that works for both of you.

3. Don’t expect him to change

There are some things that change naturally in a relationship: couples do tend, with time, to become a little more similar to each other in terms of common interests, habits and even some beliefs. For the most part, however, what you see in a man is what you get. His chronic tardiness, his addiction to his work, his obsession with sports, his love of recreational drugs  whatever it is that might bug you about him, chances are it’s here to stay.

You can try to change him, but be warned: most guys don’t want to change. Most menpeople want to be loved and accepted the way they are. When we feel like our partner’s love for us is highly conditional (or is based on the belief that we’ll change in the future), things sometimes turn sour.

So what can you do? Ask yourself some hard questions: if I knew for certain that this is the person he’s going to be for the rest of his life, would I stay with him? Can I live with and accept him just as he is? If the answer to those questions isn’t “yes,” you need to decide how long you’re willing to wait for changes that may never happen.

4. Argue constructively

I have a personal rule about when things piss me off in my relationship: either call it out or get over it. If I’m really, truly mad about something and I think Andrew caused or contributed to it, I tell him I’m angry at him and why. I know a lot of girls who sulk and expect guys to figure it all out on their own, but that usually takes like ten times longer to get things resolved (if the guy’s astute enough to even notice you’re angry).

I don’t use angry language, I just basically say, “Andrew, you left your evening dishes in the sink and just expected me to do them because I do the breakfast dishes so you can get to work on time. I’m angry about it because I feel like you’re taking my generosity for granted.” And then he’ll say, “No, I thought we agreed that this was one of your chores” or (preferably) “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry. I appreciate you always doing the breakfast dishes and I’ll try to remember to do my own other dishes from now on.”Either way, we’ve reached the point where we’re discussing the problem and making progress.

If you decide it’s not a big enough issue to discuss, get over it. Don’t sulk about it privately and hold it against the other person, because they have no idea what they’ve done and it’s not fair.

Alternatively, sometimes it’s okay to be just mad. There are times when I’m pissed at Andrew, and the rational part of my brain knows it isn’t his fault, but I’m still just madabout the whole thing. Instead of taking it out on him or trying to “cheer up” when I’m spitting fire, I find it works best for me to just say to him, “I know this isn’t your fault, but I just can’t help feeling mad at the situation. I need to spend some time away from you for a little bit to cool down, and I swear I’ll be over it by the next time you see me.You don’t need to do anything  just leave me alone for a bit and I’ll get over it.”

The most important thing is to stay focused. Your goal here is to resolve the issue, and the best way to do that is to be constructive. Resist the urge to say things just to hurt the other person’s feelings, even if they’ve hurt yours.

5. Know and support each other

Do you ever wonder about what the real purpose of a romantic relationship might be?Yeah, sure, biologically it’s supposed to be about producing and raising children and all that, but what about beyond that? Personally, I think it’s about just being a team. It’s about taking care of each other, sharing your life with each other and the comfort that comes with knowing there’s someone who’ll be there for you when you need them.

The first step to supporting someone is to know them. No, I’m not just repeating #1. I think it’s really important to ask about your partner’s aspirations, fears and beliefs. If all went perfectly well, where would they like to be in ten years? In twenty? What do they think is the most important thing in life? What choices do they regret? These are important questions to ask, not just once but periodically because people change. The only way you can hope to know an ever-changing being (not just a romantic partner, but friends and family members too) on such an intimate level is to ask them important questions from time to time and listen hard.

Just talking to someone about their life and their goals helps them to evaluate their progress and think about the steps they need to take to achieve their dreams. It also helps you to stay connected as a team and keep you aware of where you’re headed together.

Well, that’s my two cents – take it or leave it. As usual, I turn the discussion over to you guys: what are your top tips for finding the right person and making a relationship work?


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Should I Really Be Casually Dating At My Age?

25 October 2009 at 2:55 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , )

In the past 24 hours, I’ve been asked by five different men why I’m single. They can’t fathom it. This is funny to me.

So anyway, the reason is because I choose to be. My reasons are also somewhat personal and are something I may choose to deal with in the near future but for right now I enjoy being single and while, admittedly, it gets lonely sometimes, I’m not dying to be with anyone. Also, the guys I meet just aren’t serious about life and I have no time to be anyone’s cheerleader or babysitter. Anyway, this guy asked me why I was single and I explained this to him along with the fact that at my age, I’m not trying to casual date anymore. I’ve been there and done that. I will try to explain this as best as I can without confusing you.

While I don’t want to settle down right NOW into a marriage, I also don’t want to be dating every Tom, Dick and Harry about town. Of course, I DO realize that I will need to date in order to find the man I marry, however,  there is a difference with dating for the sake of dating or dating people to see how compatible you are and if there could be potential for long term love. I prefer to do the latter and because of that I don’t date often.

Basically, how I feel about relationships and men right now is as follows: the next relationship I get into will be with the man I plan to marry. I tell this to some guys and they start wigging out and trippin. I laugh because #1 you trippin’ insinuates you believe that you have a SHOT with me and that couldn’t be farther than the truth and #2 a relationship comes before a marriage and in order for me to get into a relationship with you I’d have to date you for QUITE some time to know you are someone I want to be committed to.

So rest assured guys, don’t flatter yourself into thinking I want to marry you and am jumping the gun. There is a process to dating … and a method to my madness. The problem most guys have, I find, is that they dont take the time to understand and see where a woman is coming from and they hear things like “relationship” and “marriage” and think the woman is wanting that RIGHT AWAY! Sure, some might, but I’m not every woman. At least  give me a chance to explain myself – lol! I don’t want to get married until I’m in my early to mid 30’s but I would also like to have a solid and well bonded relationship with my man before then so getting into a relationship in the next couple of years is ideal. I don’t want to meet someone and be married a year later. Most stories like that end up in divorce. Marriage is forever to me and I want something solid and strong. What is so wrong with that?

At least I’m a female that knows what she wants and stands firm in her beliefs. I don’t waffle with situations and move back and forth like a confused child. I have goals and a vision for my future and I’ll do all I can to achieve that goal. You’d think that would be a turn on to a man but ….

I feel at my age, I’ve done all the casual dating I can do and I’m ready for something more meaningful and better suited to what I want out of a partner. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that. Isn’t it natural that once you reach a certain age you start thinking about settling down and making a future and life with someone? For ME that time has come, and if it hasn’t for you, thats OK! If you can’t get with it, that’s cool. 3/4 of the guys I talk to I wouldn’t look twice at in that sense ANYWAY so don’t worry precious darlings, you have nothing to be afraid of 😉

I will say this though: the one good thing about having this point of view on relationships is when you aren’t feeling someone who clearly likes you and you tell them you are single until your next relationship …. and that relationship will be the one you have with your husband to be. They switch up SO fast and basically, push themselves away. A guy not trying to get married doesn’t want to hear that mess. BUT, what if you aren’t feeling him, he’s feeling you, you drop this bomb and he is OK with it!? LOL … sorry, ladies … I can’t help you out of that one 😛

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Dating In Toronto 25+

20 October 2009 at 10:26 pm (Life, Love & Relationships, Rants, Toronto Life) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

You’d think with the 25 and up crowd, dating in this city wouldn’t be an issue as far as what I’m about to say. One would think maturity would play a part. Sadly, that’s not the case.

It has been my personal experience, and the experiences of many friends, that dating in this city is NOT easy.

Dating PERIOD is never easy but in a city as small as Toronto, it makes it that much harder.

Case in point: Toronto, as far as population goes, is pretty “big”. You have all the neighbouring cities and ‘burbs surrounding it making it now the GTA (Greater Toronto Area for non-local readers) and you’d think this would widen and broaden the dating radius when in essence it actually makes it SMALLER. Ha.

Then, add into the mix social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter and still Myspace at times, and you’ve narrowed your dating radius to about …. lets say the length of your street and/or size of your local mall. ARGH!

Chances are when you meet someone, he (or she) will know about 3-5 of your friends and about 5-10 of your acquaintances. GOOD OR BAD ones at that. This can work for you or greatly against you. I feel almost like, if you date a “who’s who” you will be ok. Dating within social circles tends to work out lovely for most but for the rest of us looking in there is always a shit talker or two willing to “break up a happy home”. This take on the dating scene is actually very high school angled but it’s really not far from the truth, at all.

This city is full of people who are trying to maintain some sort of socialite/celebrity status. Everyone has a title or label (whether they want it or not) and this can affect the regular ass 9-5 worker or, someone who doesn’t crave nor obsess over attention and the spotlight.

If you are a regular 9-5’er and you date someone who is in the “industry” (for lack of a better term, because I don’t even know if we HAVE one) or date someone who is FRIENDS with someone in the “industry” and they don’t approve of you, you are out. In seconds. I’ve seen it happen. First hand. More than once. Being in the 25+ crowd and being of sound mind and maturity I can say I don’t get involved in people’s relationships like that. Unless you are one of 4 very special girls, whom I call my sisters, I would never, ever, ever interfere in someone’s happiness or potential thereof. It’s not my place and I firmly believe if you are a shady person your karma will come full circle.

I had a good friend of mine tell me last night that because of the things I’ve aforementioned she’s been forced to keep her relationship on the complete DOWN LOW. She barely tells people she’s even in a relationship, she won’t discuss him with anyone nor will she update her status on Facebook. I can’t  say I blame her. Her reason? The fact people will talk and probably not have nice things to say about her or him. Even if it’s lies and rumours she is certain mouths will run; and all the way to the finish line at that. It’s almost like people don’t want to see other people happy. They can’t just let the chips fall where they may and let people learn about their partners for themselves.  No one should have to be forced to hide their relationship or stifle their happiness for fear of jealous and nosy retribution! However, this is just so.

It’s a shame that ADULTS have to resort to childlike behaviour and play “hush hush dont tell.” It’s not as simple as saying “forget the haters and naysayers” because if you really care about someone you almost HAVE to play like you are Jay Z and Beyonce. But who is REALLY a celebrity in this city? We ALL just want to be happy and happy with someone we can call our own. Why don’t the miserable people always trying to cause trouble just sit back and worry more about their life and why THEY are single and leave the people who want a shot at happiness alone?

People will say that they are only trying to protect their friends from being hurt and I get that. I would do the same for MY own friends but I’m referring more to the people who have no REAL care or interest invested in a couple and just choose, for the hell of it, to talk shit and plant the seeds of doubt. Leave people alone to figure out their own paths with each other. If you feel you REALLY are OK with being THAT person, then I hope you don’t believe in karma because just when you find that special someone to settle down with – someone will talk shit about YOU.

This girl, me right here, I choose to keep my guard up and my ears alert. This city is too small. Everyone knows everyone and in my experiences if you are friends with certain people or a certain crowd I actually steer clear of you because I KNOW how much gossip and shit talk happens within that circle. And again, as a reminder, these are ppl 25 and up. It’s a sad day. At this age you should be thinking about settling down and into a better tax bracket with a spouse, a house and children. Instead you are too busy worrying about who’s with who and what party is the hottest.

I wish the older and “grown” crowd of Toronto could just get their shit together. And at the same time, mind their own damn business.

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First Date Sex … Yay or Nay?

23 August 2009 at 2:22 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , )

I had a friendly debate on facebook last night with some real and honest people – my friends – and it started based on a conversation I had with someone. He told me to not tell anyone this as it was a “man secret”, LOL, but I just wanted to know what people thought. Sorry, Chi. I had to 😉 Here is what he and I were discussing last night/early this morning:

“It doesn’t matter when you give it up to them. A man knows what he wants the minute he meets you. If you wait 14 months to give it up to him it doesn’t guarantee you a relationship. If you fuck the first nite you could end up with a husband. Sex has nothing to do with it, if you dont believe me, ask your male friends

With this quote, I changed my facebook status to see what people would say. I was actually wondering what kind of response I would get given that it was two in the morning but a good conversation came out of it.

Personally, I’ve always secretly felt that sleeping with someone on the first date would make someone a hoe. I knew that this WASN’T the case because I’d done it before and I’m not a hoe but I felt like I would be labelled one or mistaken for one (I hope that made sense).  However, it wasn’t like I met someone at a club and went home with them. There is a difference between sleeping together on the first date and having a one night stand (so please keep that in mind while reading the rest of this post). In my eyes, if you actually have a date with someone, there would be some kind of lead up to the date, whether it was frequent talking on the phone or email or whatever the situation. You somewhat know this person relatively well and have taken the time and effort to know them so by the time the date comes around, if there is that bond and chemistry and you both want it, why not take that step?

I found it amazing to know that a man would know right off the bat if he wanted to be with a woman long term or just have sex with her. This was shocking to me because I can usually tell that. I never thought men to be that perceptive. I don’t give men a lot of credit PERIOD when it comes to things like this. Maybe I’m wrong and way off.  With that being said, it made me wonder, well if a man isn’t trying to be with me relationship-wise and he knows this from the beginning,  then me withholding sex isn’t going to work in my favour at all anyway, so why do it? And then I thought, do us women REALLY have the power of the pussy now? Was that all a made up illusion to make us think we do? Essentially, I suppose if we are ALREADY in a relationship then I guess we could withhold sex to gain results from our man but in the dating stages, it appears to be different. If I, say, was to withhold sex from a guy I’ve started to date to see just how compatible we are or if there is going to be anything between us and think I’m doing the right thing I could be absolutely disillusioned because he has already made up his mind if whether or not he sees me in that same light. I’m just wasting my time here, no?

Some good metaphors and quotations used by my friends were:

“Anybody can tell you the end of a 3 hour movie but whats the fun in that?” and “A home cooked meal is always worth more than frozen food.” and “So you can hold that ‘pussy is power’ while your man is thinking ‘penis is promiscuity'” and “It’s all about the moment and who is in it with you.” and “If the sex happens, it happens. You were living the moment. There should be no regrets to something so natural.”

I especially like the last one – haha. These came from both men and women, though, it was just myself and my homegirl discussing it from a ladies standpoint.

Basically, I can see the benefits and non-benefits of moving too soon but if Chi is right and men REALLY already know within minutes if a relationship is going to happen then I suppose it truly doesn’t matter if we sleep together right away or not. Food for thought.

Imagine, if you will, someone waiting to have sex with the person they are dating and then it happens say, 3 months later and the sex is BAD or not what they expected! That would suck, wouldn’t it!? I know it would for me. While I don’t think sex is everything in a relationship, I do think its important. I do think that if you cannot connect through physical pleasure then you may have problems.  For people that are adamant about not sleeping with a guy on the first date, I would assume you’d at LEAST be willing to kiss someone. Kissing is important because, in my opinion, you are able to determine and somewhat measure the level of intensity and passion they are working with and this usually will be an indication of what their sex game is like. If a guy is a sloppy kisser, chances are he’s also a sloppy lay. Not always but sometimes. But herein lies my point of wasting time. I would be pissed if I made the effort to date someone for three months, feelings have developed and then nothing else transpires. Yes,  we may have laid down the foundation for a wonderful friendship but I didn’t want a friendship to begin with. If I did, I never would’ve slept with you in the first place, feel me? Waste of time.

So most people (and the majority is women – but of course) say “No sex on the first date” but does that mean its ok on the 2nd or 3rd then? Because what if you spend 3-4 days with someone and have 2-3 dates in that time period? Or is it a matter of waiting weeks or months, no matter how many dates you’ve had? This is exactly the reason I don’t agree with the fact that “first date sex” is a bad thing. For example, I can date someone twice in two months and not know them that well because we are always so busy and then sleep with them after 2 dates but think its OK because I’ve known them 2 months. Do you see the dilemma here?  I truly believe every situation is unique and every person is different. Of course you have to draw the line at doing it all the time. If you are consistently sleeping with someone the first time you date them then maybe you ARE a hoe but I think it’s important to know your situation and not read too much into it. Communication is always important and if there is a great connection then go for it. You’re both adults and should be able to deal with any consequences  should they arise.

I’m going to leave you guys with this food for thought: Anything you do in the bedroom is behind closed doors and between you and your partner. You can sit all day and worry about what people will think of you but if your partner doesn’t think any less of you then why should you think any less of yourself? And, always remember you aren’t the only one sleeping with someone on the first date. THEY ARE TOO. There are no double standards in my world. They aren’t exempt from the “hoe label” … they are just as much at fault, for lack of a better term, as you are.

Just know yourself and your situation and do what you feel is right. No one can take that from you.

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Chivalry Isn’t Dead – I Promise You

16 August 2009 at 7:40 pm (Life, Love & Relationships, Thank You's) (, , , , )

It’s a shame that in 2009 a woman has to get EXCITED about things that men SHOULD do for a woman on a date but … that’s just how it is. What’s normal to most, or what some may consider a small thing, is different for the next person. For me, it’s the little things that truly count and matter. In an age where I’ve gotten used to mediocre (and at times bad) treatment it was SO refreshing to actually be treated well. Better than well, actually. I’m talking about a MAN that opened and closed his car door for me. Who paid for everything despite my offer, at the very least, to split the bill(s). Who was respectful of my personal space and didn’t invite himself to touch or kiss me unless I made it clear I was cool with that. And who was just a sweet and genuine individual.

The dating game is tough. It’s not easy to meet someone you click with and actually enjoy spending time with. Something about them may turn you off or cause you to feel uneasy but thankfully, I felt quite comfortable. Comfortable enough to snuggle into his chest at gory parts of the movie and to walk next to him and put my arm around his waist and his arm around my shoulders.  It’s something to be said for an individual to keep you laughing the entire night and not come across as a try hard, cheesy, a fake or phony.

I’ve never been the type to talk about how men are dogs or there are no good men left but I DID say that there was a severe lack of them and I couldn’t find any anywhere. I started to believe maybe I wasn’t cut out for a good dude. Then “he” came out of literally nowhere. A brief but interesting courtship started, where I want to point out, he never broached the subject of sex. Most guys I meet and talk to want to talk about sex by the 3rd conversation and they always want to know if  “im a freak or what” *rolls eyes*. THIS made me like him almost off the bat. After a short time, I think we both realized we were interested in each other so he “asked me out”. I haven’t REALLY dated since 2003 (*gasp* yes I know, I know!) and was a little apprehensive and excited all at the same time. Last night, we had planned to meet up for 8pm due to some plans he had during the day – I was cool with it being a “late date” but around 6:30 he called and said he was going to be a bit late. Now, usually, some women would get bent out of shape about this but not I. I was actually shocked. Never before had I had anyone think to be so considerate to call AHEAD of time to say “Sorry, babe, but I’m going to be late because ….” Usually I’m the one having to wonder where someone is after the time has come and gone … OR the guy will  text me, without ever confirming if it went through. So, as apologetic as he was, I didn’t mind in the least because more than anything it showed me he is a considerate person. A phone call goes a LONG way – trust me. It took him 30 seconds to a minute to let me know what was up. It was appreciated. Rather than be pessimistic and say how the night started off on a low point due to him being late, I flipped the script and thought positive by seeing his genuine consideration for me and my time.

Some people would think or say this is something small or what a man SHOULD do but thats not what I’m used to nor what a lot of the females I know are used to. This felt really good. He knew my time was precious and valuable so he didn’t discredit that by taking advantage. His likeability factor went WAY up. See? It’s the little things that count 🙂

I enjoyed his company immensely and he must’ve enjoyed mine because he was planning our 2nd and 3rd dates before the lights dimmed and the previews started – lol. And, of course, I said “yes” … I’m feeling so happy today.

All you ladies that want to pass on the “nice guy” … keep on doing it. I don’t want the guy thats so fucked up from his previous girlfriends and relationships that I have to pay for their bullshit. I want the guy you bitches decide to pass up to be with someone who punches you in your face everyday. I want the nice guy. The sweet guy. The guy that will be considerate and sincere and genuine. A guy that will worry if I’m cold, uncomfortable and if there’s anything he can do to change that.

Sometimes you have to withstand the bad to truly appreciate the good.

Thank you for showing me what’s good.

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