Snooping Rather That Communicating

15 January 2011 at 2:11 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , )

Well, well, well. I was on a forum recently where this topic came up and I was shocked this wasn’t something I had written about on here ever. If I have its evading me right now. I have a LOT of experience with this – LOL.

Anyway, what I’m talking about right now is snooping in the relationship. Snooping through your partners phones, emails, pockets and social network accounts. Is this right or wrong? When, if ever, is it acceptable? Does everyone do it? And how can this be avoided, if at all.

A lot of people will say they don’t snoop through their partners’ things but we all have at one time or another. If you say you haven’t then I guess you are better than the rest of us. Women, especially, will try to say they haven’t, in order to look like it’s below them to do such a thing but the ones adamantly saying they haven’t are usually the ones that have. I’ll be honest, I’ve done it. I’m not proud of it but I’ve done it. Men, will say they haven’t simply because snooping is a “female trait” but how WRONG they are. I’ve dealt with and heard the most stories of men that snoop through their girls’ private life to find out things about her whereabouts and actions. At the end of the day, men AND women are guilty of this. Where does it stem from? Insecurity? Many people will say yes but personally, I feel like if you don’t give me a reason to snoop I won’t feel I have to. Bottom line. That’s nothing to do with insecurity. Your job in a relationship is to keep that other person feeling like they are the only one in your life, that they mean a lot to you, that they are special. If both people do their jobs, snooping will never, ever be an issue, unless the person IS just crazy and insecure and nothing you do appeases them, but if that’s the case you have a BIGGER problem on your hands. Anyway, I’m rambling ….

Here’s the thing, folks. We all know invasion of privacy is wrong. We all know if we had someone going through OUR shit, we’d be livid and feel disrespected and mistrusted, thus, we know snooping is wrong. BUT, is it EVER justified? I’ll be the first person to say, without apology, that it sure is. Again, it’s not RIGHT or acceptable but a lot of things aren’t “right” or acceptable and people do them everyday. So long as you have a legitimate reason to go looking for proof of infidelity or deceit then I say do what you have to do.

BUT ….

This should only be a last resort, people. This is ONLY something you should do if you have asked your partner about their behaviours or secrecies prior. You cannot just, out of nowhere, feel you’re going to go through your partners’ phone and emails because you have a hunch or are  having an insecure day. You can’t do this. There’s no justification there. None. BUT, if your partner has been acting shady or weird or is keeping secrets from you then you should talk to them about it. Voice your concerns with things you are noticing or seeing. Depending on HOW you approach the situation and WHAT you say, if there is nothing to hide, your partner will not take offense – it will be a conversation and not a confrontation. He/she may even SHOW you there is nothing to worry about. At this point you mind is at ease and if the trust is there, that will be good enough for you. If the trust ISN’T there, chances are you will need to ASK them to see there’s nothing to hide. This can go three ways:

1. your partner will let you see and nothing will be found. The problem with this is even though you weren’t accusatory they now feel they aren’t trusted and may withdraw from you even more.

2. your partner may have nothing to hide but they feel mistrusted and are offended you would ask them to see their private interactions with other people. This type of person usually doesn’t in ANY way understand why they were asked in the first place. They’re oblivious to their own behaviours, usually.

3. They have everything to hide and will manipulate the situation to make you feel bad about even asking. They will turn it around on you to make you feel like YOU are in the wrong. They’ll make you feel like you’re crazy and insecure and even though you know you aren’t these things, you will start to feel like maybe they’re right. They will NOT show you anything and based on their adamant and belligerent response you know something is going on. So, you are left to take matters into your own hands. #3 was my last relationship.

The thing is, communication is and should work every time but that’s not always the case. It takes TWO people to communicate and if both parties don’t feel the same away about it, there’s no point. It has to be noted that when you go looking for things, you WILL find them. If you’re convinced your partner is cheating or doing things with other women you will not stop until you find that proof. This leads us to the bigger problem. If you feel this strongly about your significant other than that should say a LOT about the strength and status of your relationship. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking you need to be looking in your woman’s phone. You cannot be in a healthy and loving relationship constantly thinking your man is devoting attention you deserve to other women on social networking sites.

While snooping can be a problem, the bigger issue is that you have no trust in your relationship and what is a relationship without trust?

I’ve always said, if I snoop and find nothing I’ll leave it alone but what am I going to do? Change that whenever another situation comes up? Of course not. I’d go crazy. BUT, if my man isn’t willing to make me feel secure to the point where I’d never even have to DREAM of going through his things (as I of course would do for him in return) then why am I with him? No one wants to be accused of doing shady things behind their partners’ backs but at the same time NO ONE wants to be anyone’s fool and played for a sucker.

Take yourself for example, look at YOUR actions – if you’ve never done anything to make your man/woman feel like they need to snoop and they have, then this is an issue of theirs and you need to figure out if you can deal with someone like that. If your actions ARE questionable then no it doesn’t make their snooping excusable but their reasoning for doing it CAN be justified. If you don’t want to be checked up on then change your behaviours.  Simple. No one is right or wrong. No one wins in this situation.

I still say talking things out is always better. I still say if you’re gonna really go snooping, make sure you’ve exhausted all your other options. I still say if you plan on being with someone you have to constantly check up on, then you probably need to find someone else. And I still say, snooping isn’t as wrong as anyone thinks – provided there’s just cause.


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Taking Relationship Advice From Your Single Friends

4 January 2011 at 8:57 pm (Love & Relationships, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

Why is this an issue with some people? I see ALL the time, people saying “Never take advice from a single person. They won’t give you nothing but a jaded outlook and besides, they’re probably jealous of your relationship anyway.” or “Asking advice from single people is like asking parenting advice from someone that doesn’t have or want children.”

LMAO. What!? That’s the biggest amount of crap I’ve ever heard. People should stop putting themselves on a pedestal and flattering themselves. NO relationship is perfect, therefore NO ONE needs to be jealous of you and your partner, number one. Number two, parenting is WAY different from being taken vs. being single. You could have HAD a relationship and gained a great amount of knowledge from it but are now single but being a parent is something you absolutely HAVE to have had experienced before you can give out advice. The two are NOT  the same and not comparable at all.

I know the problem stems mostly from women asking other women and men saying “Stop asking your bitter friends about love -they’ll only tell you I ain’t shit anyway” but the onus is on you to ask the right people. If you know you have bitter friends, don’t ask them about love. You should know better. I think that makes sense.

Here’s the thing: First of all, unless you asked your friend for advice no one should be giving it to you ANYWAY because that’s just drama waiting to happen but, if you DO ask for advice, are you saying you would only ask someone who’s currently in a relationship? Why?

Unless you have a friend that’s never been in a relationship to understand relationship woes, why would you not ask their opinion on something if you really needed to? As it was aforementioned, you wouldn’t ask a non-parent, parenting advice, so why would you ask a person that’s never been in a relationship for advice? BUT, know that JUST because they are single NOW it doesn’t mean they’ve always been single. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship longer than the one you are in. They could VERY WELL have been in a relationship or two more than you have. Their advice is no less qualified than someone who’s currently involved. Furthermore, the person that’s in a relationship that you happen to ask could STILL be jealous of your relationship. Besides, what they’re going through in THEIR life could be the exact opposite of what you’re going through in yours, therefore they could STILL give you jaded and bad advice. Your relationship is YOURS. Their relationship is THEIRS.

Also, if you need to seek out the opinions of others with regards to your relationship, YOU could very well have a bigger issue. When you need opinions, depending on the topic at heart, you should very well be communicating openly and talking to your significant other, not spilling the beans and chatting your business to other people. All that being said, SOMETIMES you DO need advice from trusted friends and family and that’s fine but you shouldn’t be discriminating about who you ask JUST because they’re single. You could be missing out on life experiences that directly reflect the issue you may be curious about.

Don’t be so quick to judge and assume. You really end up looking stupid and immature when you say things that clearly haven’t been fully thought through. Some of my very best advice came from someone who had been where I currently was and by chance was now single but they VERY MUCH understood what I was going through and them offering me their perspective helped me to see things differently. People NOT in your same situation usually paint a very realistic picture while you remain blinded and jaded by love. You don’t HAVE to take their advice – you should definitely be making your own decisions – but others’ perspectives can often aid you in making a decision best for you.

People fail to realize that simply asking someone’s perspective on a topic is really not about their current relationship status but more on their life experiences and understanding of how relationships work. The only people you shouldnt be taking relationship advice from are people who have never HAD a relationship. DUH. What’s so hard to understand about this?

Having a significant other that is friends with ONLY single people (who fail to understand he or she has a commitment and can no longer do “single” things) is COMPLETELY different from sitting down and having a discussion about relationships and what someone’s thoughts are on a matter.

Know that difference.

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The Dreaded Friendzone

26 December 2010 at 6:48 pm (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , )

Wikipedia describes the friendzone as: “The friend zone, or friendship zone, is a popular psychology concept found in many pseudo-psychology texts providing dating advice to a male audience. The term friend zone refers to the situation where the female has begun to view a male as a friend only and not as a romantic partner, a psychological classification supposedly exceptionally difficult to undo.”


Do men have friendzones, too or is this solely a female thing? Is there a way to escape it? Do people use it as a means to avoid commitment? What exactly can you do to avoid it? Let’s discuss, shall we!

Women have no problem getting sex. Men want sex at anytime, with (almost) anyone, anywhere. Women, while we may love sex just as much as men (and sometimes more), don’t always want sex at anytime, with (almost anyone), anywhere. We get to choose when we want it and men HAVE no choice but to follow. Because of this, we are more likely to make a guy our friend rather than our man or lover.

Further to my last post about men and women being friends, the friendzone is a very tricky topic. I’ll try to say what I need to without sounding contradictory BUT in any event, I have a friendzone and it’s not full. Why? Because I don’t believe men and women can be friends – lol! If I DO use it, I use it as its supposed to be used and I don’t put a man there unless there is definitely a reason for him to be there. MY criteria is simple. If there is NO WAY in Hell that I’m attracted to you in ANY way (physically, spiritually, emotionally) then you’ll be easily put in the friendzone. Since I tend to have varying types of men I’m attracted to it’s not likely you’ll be in there based on that criteria BUT it’s been known to happen. I don’t have a lot of ugly men as “friends” or that try to talk to me so if we date and just don’t click that’s one thing but to have NO connection on any level just doesn’t make sense for me to put you in the friendzone. If I can’t connect with you in a way other than physical attractiveness what is the point of you being in my life at all? I’ve been, MANY TIMES OVER, attracted to a male friend of mine. I usually first meet a guy and we talk as friends and there’s always an attraction. Once we’ve “gone there” (whether dating or physical intimacy) its hard to maintain a friendship thus again, there’s no point in you being in the friendzone or in my life, period. My other criteria is, if you’ve been a friend to me or are an ex that I’ve maintained contact with but disrespected me somehow and we stopped talking for a period of time but I eventually got over it and forgave you, we can be friends again. Only, this time around I’ll wish to keep you at arm’s length and decide to never, ever, date or engage with you physically again. The guys in my friendzone are USUALLY from this group. Lastly, if a man is in the friendzone not due to the other two reasons it’s because of the fact that he knowingly (or unknowingly) put HIMSELF there. I cannot share how that happens because it’s a secret and if I share that knowledge a lot of guys that I know and talk to casually will now be “hip” as to why they get no play from me. Hahaha!

I don’t think men can have a friendzone. Well … hmm. They CAN but maybe not the way it’s meant to be. You ever hear a guy say something like “Oh, well I just see her as my sister” ? or “She’s just a homegirl. Nothing will EVER happen between us” ? Well, that’s hodge podge to me. A guy will usually dip into his “friendzone” now and then if getting women becomes a chore or he’s hit a dry spell. Therefore, it’s not really a friendzone he has but a Plan B Group. Back up, if you will. A back up for those lonely, cold nights that he’s tired of having.

When it comes to putting a man in the friendzone, he should be there for a specific reason and no matter what a man does or says, he cannot escape it. WOMEN control their pussy and who they give it to. A man can beg, plead, wine & dine and promise a woman the world but if she wants nothing to do with him and her mind is definitely made up about this, he will NOT escape it. It’s better if he just gives up and leaves well enough alone then to fight it and try to get out. He can leave of his own volition but that means severing ties with the woman  that placed him there. Most men are very aware of the position  they’re in. They KNOW they’re in the friendzone and either they’re OK with being there or they just want a challenge  to see if they can get whats forbidden. Just in case you DON’T know you’re in the friendzone, I’ll let you know. If you are thought of as her brother – you’re in the friendzone. If you do a lot of things for her out of kindness but you are never rewarded with her telling you her feelings, giving you any sex or she treats you like a doormat – you’re in the friendzone.  If she talks to you about her “man” problems and constantly refers to you as such a nice guy but she’s not trying to make you HER nice guy exclusively – you’re in the friendzone. If you ask her out and she says she “doesn’t want to damage the friendship” – you’re in the friendzone.

There are women though that don’t stand behind the things they say and mean and for those men lucky enough to be placed in THAT farce of a friendzone you DO have ways to escape it. But you need to know what kind of female does this and what she’s about to make this deduction and since most men don’t “get” women, they’ll never see it. However, if you come across a chick like this, PLEASE know you’re dealing with an amateur here – I guarantee you. She’s probably needy and thinks she has power over men but really wants someone to love her and her game isn’t as strong as she’d like you to believe. For those men that think they’re in THAT kind of friendzone, here are some tips you can use to “escape” it. These tips are also good for men that want to avoid being put into the friendzone in the first place:

  1. Never express your feelings directly
  2. Flip the table and YOU be the first to tell HER you just want to be friends
  3. Don’t make yourself available to her every beck and call
  4. Date other women – she’ll see what she’s missing
  5. Ask HER opinion about the women you’re meeting
  6. Be consistent in your treatment of her – treat her like the girlfriend you want her to be (WITHOUT being her bitch and a doormat)
  7. Don’t be so predictable. Make her expect the unexpected
  8. Understand there’s a difference between wanting her and needing her and act accordingly
  9. If you have a fuck buddy or a fling don’t let THAT come between the two of you
  10. Prove that you can understand there’s a difference between sex and love and be able to show that you are capable of having sex with a connection

Unless you are seriously trying to be out of the friendzone and you want a relationship with her, DON’T try these tips because it’s not fair to play games and take advantage of her knowing she doesn’t want you in that way. If it’s just sex from her that you want, you have a better shot just being honest and saying it. If she just wants sex too, then you’re good to go but if she doesn’t, there’s PLENTY other women out there to choose from. The point of you using these tips to get what you want, sexually, and you not wanting a relationship from her is probably why your low-life ass is in her friendzone to begin with!

I feel bad for good men that get stuck in the friendzone and this is why I put those tips up there. SOME men don’t deserve to be there and SOME women are just BAD at judging character and not knowing what they want. A woman is only human and she makes mistakes. If she’s not seeing in you what you know you can give her then SHOW her. But again, if you don’t want to be out for the RIGHT reasons then STAY  there or move on. We’re talking man vs. boy actions now.

On twitter, a guy and I were talking about this and he said he doesn’t trust the men in a woman’s friendzone and that he’d trust the girl but not the guys. In reply, I told him its futile to worry about these men, because if a woman doesn’t want the guy he’ll never have her so he can try to run all kinds of interference but NOTHING will work. I mean that. I stand by that BUT I can see his point because I don’t trust women in the friendzone either. For possibly a different reason but its the same outcome. I just know that girls with an amazing friendship with MY man already have an advantage over me and already share a great amount of history with him and one would be crazy to NOT be wary of that. Those kind of situations make for a very scary “what if” when they are alone and that “moment” happens for them. Believe me, I’ve been there.

Some women use the friendzone as a means to avoid commitment. They throw guys in there left and right because they’ve been so badly hurt by men that they can’t build successful relationship with the opposite sex. They’re worried about letting a man in only to be let down and disappointed so they enjoy having that male figure around and all the perks without getting close and having the drama and problems introducing sex into the mix can bring.

A lot of women simply just want to fall in love with their male friend. Those friendships are the best ones to turn into romantic relationships because they are based on much more than just a quick fling or emotionless sex but because men and women are wired differently this gets lost in translation. Communication and timing are so important. Sometimes you just can’t help how you feel about someone (whether you return their feelings or not) but when you have someone who is a good friend to you and you know them well, you should explore what they could add to your life. You really have nothing to lose and depending on where you’re at in life, what’s so wrong about trying it out? Men look for a mate in all the wrong places and tend to overlook the girl they view as “just a friend” and end up in crap, door-revolving relationships. Women do this, too BUT I truly believe women, when looking for a life partner, would sooner date their friend over just any ol’ guy they meet. Men, I don’t believe would do this. Of course, this isn’t ALWAYS the case, but it’s definitely something I know my friends and I deal with on a regular basis, so there has to be SOME truth to it.

At the end of the day, the friendzone is a place you don’t WANT to be if you truly care about the person that put you there. If there’s even an INKLING of hope of getting out, then you need to self reflect and give yourself the honest truth as to why you’re there in the first place. As a warning to all men out there, you don’t ever have to be put in the friendzone if you do right by women. If you are honest and forthcoming and you SPEAK about things you can do yourself a great service. If anything, avoid it at all costs before you’re even placed there – that is the best way to “escape” it.

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Internet & Texting Made Me Anti-Social!

29 May 2010 at 7:40 pm (#Kanyeshrug, Life, Random, technology) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The title of the blog says it all. I’ve been active on the internet for about 10 years now. Heavily so for about six. What I mean by heavily is that I frequent social networking sites and as you know, I blog. Aside from the ‘net, there’s the case of my phone (I own a Blackberry Bold 9700) and how IT has made me a slave to technology.

I rarely call people anymore. I’m more liable to use the computer or my phone to reach someone. It’s just quicker and almost all the people I know feel the same way. A lot of people won’t answer their phone but will answer fast as HELL to a text or BBM. I rarely make phone calls to my friends. Even my boyfriend and I rarely talk on the phone. We talk when we see each other, otherwise we text and BBM. Usually when I make an actual call, it’s to my mother.

For me, and maybe for others, talking on the phone requires me to give the person on the other end my undivided attention. To sit and have a conversation means to be an active listener with no distractions. In MY life there is ALWAYS some form of a distraction. If I text you or BBM or IM you I’m better able to multi-task. All I have to do is take a couple of seconds to reply/respond and then I can carry on doing what I was doing with little to no interruptions. I don’t think this is a bad thing necessarily but it DOES pose some problems. I’m no stranger to what I’m about to say. My words apply to myself as well. LOL.

When you start to rely on these forms of communication you almost become ignorant to how to interact with people in day-to-day life.  For those of us that work and are constantly around others from day-to-day we should consider ourselves lucky. Because we have that we will never become complete slaves to technology. For those of you that don’t get out (even just to a job) I feel for you. You probably are all kinds of messed up but anyway, I digress.

Even recently I’ve felt like I wasn’t as “quick” or “witty” on a phone call I was having as I am online. That’s not to say I take LONGER to type out a status or a tweet it just means that I seem to have more character online. WHY IS THAT? Anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that I’m the same online as I am off but there is definitely a distinct difference between the two when it comes to my wit. This is only an example, tho. I notice little things. Little things like the fact that I swear more online, that I use words that I shouldn’t more online, that I deliver a joke better online and more. It could very well be because I have always, long before the days of the internet, expressed myself better with words. I AM a writer, you know ;). I notice these things about myself because I know me best but I wonder if it translates onto others and their perception of me? I hope not.

Another problem technology creates is the hate of people. I generally dislike humans. Why? I don’t trust them. Too many times have I come across people who don’t really act the same online as they do off. You have people acting out-of-pocket and out of character because the internet enables anyone to be who they desire to be rather than who they actually are. This, along with other factors, have caused me to look at people different, be more mistrusting and skeptical.  It’s hard to believe in people when all you see is a fabrication. I hate that this is now a trait of mine but that’s just how it is I suppose.

I definitely would like to get out of this technological funk but I’m a child of the times. This is what I know. Maybe the older I get the less I’ll be technologically inclined. Or maybe my knowledge will only get better with time and I’ll eventually become a decrepit hermit.

Or maybe I just need to learn to pick up my phone and SAY hello every now and then rather than type it.

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Who Does Secrecy REALLY Protect?

4 May 2010 at 3:02 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Privacy vs. secrecy. There’s a difference you know.

Let’s explain. You have two people who like each other and are dating and getting to know each other. One party probably likes the other party more and therefore wants to share with their friends the excitement they feel at the potential of what could possibly be a relationship. However, the other party isn’t really sure and while they may like this person, they don’t know if they actually SEE potential. So, rather than just come out and SAY this, they delay the inevitable, allowing party A to feel something is growing between them, when in reality had they just paid attention to the signs, a huge confuffle would’ve been avoided.

When men and women like each other – and REALLY like each other, there’s no stopping them from telling the world. When a guy meets a great girl, every one of his friends knows it. He may not sing her praises or put her on a pedestal (right away) but he will at the very least say he’s met a girl that he’s crazy for. Don’t believe me? Ask any male. With women, it’s even more so. Why? Because we’re emotional creatures like that. We meet a guy that sweeps us off our feet, we do everything and tell everyone short of taking out an ad in the local paper. And no that’s not an exaggeration, believe me – lol.

There’s a difference between being a private person and letting all your business hang out for the world to see. Then add being flat out SECRETIVE about who you’re with and that adds a whole other dynamic to the conversation. It’s only human nature to showcase your happiness. And rarely will someone NOT do that unless other factors come into play. When dating someone pay attention to the signs of whether or not you are being kept a secret for a legitimate reason (which I personally think there isn’t one) or for something more sinister. Privacy vs. secrecy. Know the difference.

If you are dating someone of “stature” and you don’t measure up, chances are you won’t be raved about. Let’s be honest. If you look at who you’re dating, talking to, sleeping with and etc, and you feel you aren’t up to their standards, chances are they feel the same way. It’s almost like they are too ashamed to come out and admit they like you or are with you because they fear what others think. Or, because of their own self-hatred feel they have taken a step back by being with someone who’s clearly not on the level of the last person they dated. They feel ashamed and put that shame onto you, which is so wrong on so many levels. They CHOSE to be with you – in whatever capacity, yet punish you because you aren’t good enough. Why mess with you then? Probably because you made yourself available in whatever way they needed you to be. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they will discard you for someone more their “type”. This isn’t too far from the truth in most cases but rarely will you find someone to be honest enough to admit that. Most people don’t want to be seen as someone who’s “dating down” … so even if the situation they have is a good one, if you aren’t an “upgrade” chances are you won’t be spoken about.  Who does the secrecy protect? Their reputation. One they probably don’t even realize means shit all.

There are some people who actually have been through the fire when it comes to putting themselves and their relationship out there for consumption and depending on how sincere they are when explaining their reasoning, the keeping you a secret COULD be legitimate. Let’s use Facebook as a prime example. Most people will tell you how crazy Facebook can be when it comes to relationships and how foul it can be. First of all, let me state it’s not the site or the “in a relationship with” option that breaks up a relationship. It’s the people who sign up and can’t mind their own business and the couple that allows third parties to break up a happy home. There have long since been leeches and bloodsuckers ready to break up a relationship – Facebook and the internet just make it that much easier is all. And boy I tell ya … misery loves her some company. I prefer to let people know I have someone but I ALSO prefer to keep that someone to myself. My closest friends and loved ones know who he is but I don’t need his name on my page, nor does his face or our pictures  belong everywhere for people to see, comment on or have randoms add to their own friends list that don’t even know him. What does that privacy protect? Our relationship.

Then you have those people who altogether REFUSE to acknowledge you in any capacity. They don’t even want to make it look like you’re their friend.  They barely text you (because that’s evidence) and if you try to talk to them, the convo’s are short and to the point. Most of anything you speak about is done face to face. For all intents and purposes, you basically only know them from the ‘net. You may be on their friends or follower lists but yet they don’t write on your wall or tweet you. If they acknowledge you at all its in a very general and HUGELY platonic way. To anyone looking in from the outside you’re probably just someone they know through the ‘net, in passing or from around the way. They’d never guess this was someone you see, sleep with and date regularly. This is probably the worst situation to be in, reason being because you probably are so blinded by their bullshit that you don’t see the signs that you are “the other” woman/man. More than likely, you’ve got that gut feeling that something about the way they treat you isn’t right but you still continue on this path because for whatever reason you’ve got no other path to travel. It’s so unhealthy and while you can’t prove it one thing you suspect is the secrecy this time, is usually protecting the boyfriend or girlfriend. Or wife. Or husband. SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for privacy. These days having a relationship is so hard because there are always people who want to bring you down and see you unhappy, which is really sad! If people spent as much time looking at their OWN lives rather than looking at other peoples’ imagine what the world would be like. But I’m preaching to the choir. At the same time, though, a relationship involves two people and two people only – not the world. Those two people have to be strong on their own and with each other to not allow outside influences break them apart. This doesn’t mean its OK to be secretive about your love and happiness but it means that BOTH people have to be on the same page about keeping things quiet. If it hurts your partner to constantly seem like a ghost in your life then you owe it to them to somehow make them know that’s not the case. How its done really depends on the status of your relationship with them and how creative you are. You need to find a balance in your relationship so that your partner feels you are proud of them and proud to be WITH them. Otherwise, self-doubt  rears its ugly head and all kinds of other emotions crop up, least of all resentment. It’s easily avoidable and the only way it can be done is through communication.

Keeping your relationship PRIVATE is one thing, keeping it a SECRET is another. There’s a fine line and minor difference between the two but be careful walking it. It could be what drives a wedge between you and the person you claim to care so much for. Once you cross that line, be prepared for all that comes along with it. Guaranteed if you make the wrong choice you’ll end up paying for it in the end and realizing it wasn’t worth it. Be wise within your relationship. Be fair to your mate.

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Relationships Are Like Jobs

10 April 2010 at 10:59 am (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

This is a no brainer. We’ve all heard this comparison before, right? Here’s the thing though:  Some people treat relationships like hard LABOUR! Relationships are hard work, sure. They’re like jobs, yes but they don’t have to be so hard.  The key to making every job easier is open communication with your co-worker or boss, or in the sense I’m speaking of – with your partner. Talking things out is always the best thing to do but it always becomes how you say things not what you say. If you let things sit and marinate for too long then it builds up and turns into resentment. And when the slightest thing happens in your relationship you snap. It’s the straw that breaks the camels back and all this outpouring of resentment rains down on your partners shoulders and they feel attacked and quite often what do they say? “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Yea, why didn’t you? Fear of confrontation? Fear of thinking it wasn’t worthy of a conversation? But yet, here you are now throwing all that’s been bothering you at them when the issue that caused the argument in the first place has nothing to do with the past. That’s unfair. Imagine if you were on the receiving end of that discussion … how would that make you feel?

Why is it that we can yell at our better half’s but would never dream of yelling at our boss? You know if you step over a line you’ll lose your job but why do we feel if we step over a line we won’t lose our significant other? Because they love you? Because emotions are involved? Take it from me, that will only last so long. Communicating openly and effectively – talking AND listening AND understanding – will keep you heads above many other couples. Love is not enough. It can sustain you but when life hands you a pink slip or lay off notice don’t act surprised when that love burns out. Don’t run a good thing into the ground thinking you can rely on it. You’ll bleed love dry. Don’t ever let it get to that point.

It’s important to voice your concerns sincerely and without malice or anger. If you do the latter your hopes for a good outcome are futile. Understand that if there’s something going on in your relationship that concerns you, you must let your partner know.  They can’t work with you to fix something they aren’t aware of. And you can’t hold that against them even though many of us do. Unless you’re dating a psychic, your partner isn’t a mind reader. No matter how small the issue, DISCUSS it. Don’t be worried about them thinking your nitpicking or nagging. After all, once again, it’s how you say it, not what you say. If you say it with a nagging quality then chances are that’s how it will come across and be perceived. And if you KNOW you’re nitpicking then either you aren’t stating your case strongly enough because they aren’t getting it OR they don’t care to change (or try to change) their behaviours, in which case you have a bigger issue at hand. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Effective communication works wonders and when you get the hang of how well it works you’d be surprised at how well it’s received by the people who love you most. Trust me.

Treat your relationship like a job you love and put all effort and joy into making it stay that way. There’s nothing wrong with a healthy argument now and then. It makes your relationship stronger and your understanding of your partner so much better.

Relationships are great if you know how to handle them but if you don’t or can’t, then recognize it’s not for you. Move on. Live life and be happy.

To close, take this in:

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A Sexually Experienced Woman Is A Hoe?

21 November 2009 at 2:00 pm (Life) (, , , , , , , , )

So yesterday I literally hit up almost every guy I know with the intention of gaining information about a blog I wanted to write. MSN, Facebook, BBM … I asked them all the same question. I was pleased with the answers. The question was:

“How do you feel about a girl that sucks dick TOO good? Would you assume off the bat she’s a hoe?”

I hope all my friends were honest with me. With the exception of one, all of them said no. And even the one that said no was on the fence about the issue.

My reason for asking was because I’d heard the notion a few times that a woman who is TOO good at sex or certain aspects of it is suspect. Maybe she’s been around the block and a hoe. But *I* always took it as, maybe she is just good at what she does and she got that way through being with ONE  man (or even two) and learning over time how to please him. I mean if someone, for example, is in a long-term relationship they pretty much have LOTS of practice, no? I just feel that someone saying a sexually experienced woman could equate to being a slut, is unfair and infuriating.

I don’t want the next person I’m with to assume these things about me if we have an amazing experience together. I never even really thought of it in the way it was presented to me before the other day. I honestly thought a man would appreciate a woman who knows what she’s doing and is able to please him – call me naive but I never imagined he’d get it in his head she was a hoe because of how good she makes him feel. Odd! This was also a reason to ask. I guess the majority feel like myself and would think the woman just knows her stuff due to her previous relationship(s) .. keyword being RELATIONSHIPS and not encounters or sessions. Feel me?

One of my boys counteracted my question with: “If I know how to eat pussy really well, would I be a hoe?” Valid question, sure, but let’s not kid ourselves. We live in a world of double standards; right or wrong. I highly doubt the same logic would apply to a male.

The ONE person said he was torn between the two notions, said he would wonder a bit but wouldn’t assume shes an outright hoe. I guess that’s fair. Her sexual history VERY well could play a part but just like a woman could gain expertise with many men so could a woman with ONE man. I’ve always said having a lot of sex doesn’t mean a woman has had  lot of partners. You could have more sex in a committed relationship than with 20 men on 20 separate occasions, follow? Assumptions like these ones are dangerous. You draw conclusions about a person without asking and then its like … what do you even ask? Most people aren’t ready to hear the true numbers of their s/o’s previous sexual partners so most don’t ask. So how do you avoid wondering if your woman is a hoe while she’s down there curling your toes and making your eyes roll back in your head?

You just take her for who she is to YOU. You look at how she treats you and makes YOU feel and don’t worry about what is being said about her from other people. People DO lie … people DO like to destroy anothers’ happiness. Misery loves company. In a relationship you have to make it about the two of you. Trust is important, communication is important! Without these things what kind of relationship do you even have? Without those things you will allow outsiders to infiltrate a good thing. You surely don’t make such an assumption about someone you are with or care to be with. If she’s a jumpoff or buss it baby then that’s a completely different story altogether. Just be happy knowing you have a woman who is willing to do almost anything to please you and make you feel good – as you should for her. Right?

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Let’s Talk About Cheating

18 July 2008 at 8:39 pm (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

The latest celebrity relationship bust up is the basis for this post. Alex Rodriguez and his wife, Cynthia have separated with Mrs. Rodriguez screaming “adultery”. But not in the physical sense, mind you. In the ……. i-don’t-even-know-what-you’d-call-it-sense. Emotional sense?

She’s stating Mr. Baseball had an affair. With Madonna. Not of a sexual nature. But an “affair of the heart”. Yes, that’s right. He cheated on her without “cheating” on her.

I don’t think she’s wrong for categorizing it as such, though. Now, if she’s falsely accusing him then that’s a different story altogether but if he is trying to get with Madonna and he’s a married man, then hell yes, he’s cheated. Point, blank, period.

People are telling me, “Oh but he didn’t put his ball in her glove” …. oh, bloody hell. FOHWTS. You don’t have to steal third base (or home plate?) to be a cheater, but here is the problem. EVERYONE’S definition of cheating is different. Some people don’t consider flirting cheating. Some people don’t think kissing is cheating. Some people don’t think having an ON-LINE AFFAIR is cheating. My definition is: “Anything you cannot do in the presence of your significant other is betrayal and cheating.”If you can’t flirt in front of your partner – you’re cheating. If you can’t kiss the opposite sex in front of your partner – you’re cheating. If you can’t/won’t/don’t let your partner see explicit convos, emails or notes that you’ve sent to a member of the opposite sex – you’re a cheater. Makes sense to me. I’d love to hear other people’s definitions, especially if they greatly differ.

Of course you then get into the whole notion of what’s flirting vs. what isn’t and I suppose that’s where communication in your relationship comes in. You need to speak up and discuss these things before you get your heart too involved in someone else. A lot of dramas and arguments can be avoided this way. It’s basically the easiest way to not having problems. Communication in a relationship is key. At least in my opinion.

Today I asked “him”, “if I was to sleep with another woman, would that be considered cheating?” For the record, I’m not gay (I’m with him) or bi-sexual (though, I find women and their bodies incredibly sexy) but I just wanted to see what his answer would be. He replied: “It’d be cheating no more than if i was to sleep with another man *barf*”.(lol) I got my answer loud and clear. I teased him and said: “Got it. So long as you aren’t there or involved, sleeping with a woman is cheating.”

Believe it or not, I’ve had some people disagree. They say a roll in the hay with a member of the same sex isn’t cheating. Can you believe that one!? Apparently, because there is no penile to vagile penetration, it’s not cheating. Word? If you give yourself physically, emotionally or spiritually (with the exception of God) to anyone but your spouse you are low down and dirty. A snake, even. Don’t kid yourself.

Being faithful is really hard for some people. I don’t understand the need to be unfaithful. Especially if you say you love who you’re with. I’d have more respect for someone if they told me they had lost interest and broke up with me before they cheated. I then have the CHANCE to try and make it right or better somehow. If I can’t salvage it, then sure, I’m hurt but at least I’m not played, you feel me?
This whole idea of “there is no pussy/dick like new pussy/dick” is nothing more than a sad and sorry excuse. If you are putting it down PROPER on your partner … then no amount of new dick or pussy is going to make them stray. This is why I say, ladies, don’t be a hoe in the streets but be your MAN’S hoe. Keep him satisfied. Release your inner freak. If he cheats, don’t let it be because you have a ‘lax pussy. Gentleman …. the same goes for you. (But exchange the word pussy for dick, of course. Ha!)

Cheating this day in age is just much too dangerous. There are too many diseases and infections blowing around in the wind. I’m quite paranoid about them and refuse to put myself in that position. Then of course is the problem of an unwanted pregnancy. You just have to be RESPONSIBLE. If you don’t want a relationship, don’t be in one. Simple, right? Yea, I think so, too. No one forces you to settle down. Just have respect – that is all. Respect for someone else … besides yourself.

I learned this in kindergarten: “Treat others the way you would like to be treated.”Some people need to go back to kindergarten to re-learn some things.

Man, all you need to do is TALK about what cheating is to you. Talk about what the different levels are, if applicable. Avoid the problems and say no to temptation. That hottie with the phat ass .. or that cutie with the solid pecs …… they could be burnin’. Know this. Don’t bring that crap home to the person you say you love.

Otherwise, I can be your first grade school teacher all over again.

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