Misconstrued Notions Of Marriage

6 May 2010 at 6:04 pm (Family, Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , )

I would LOVE to get married one day. For sure. BUT with all that I’ve been through personally, and all that I’ve seen other’s go through, I’m not rushing to get married. IF I get married at all, to be honest.

For MY generation, the idea of marriage has been highly misconstrued. The purpose of marriage is to procreate and make a family. People aren’t getting married for those reasons. People are getting married because they have children, not to be confused with making them. People are getting married for tax breaks and other financial gains. People are getting married because they are pressured to do so by friends and family. People are getting married because “Hey, why not? We’ve been together 8 years“. How many people are getting married because they LOVE one another? Because they want to spend their life with that person?

“You don’t marry someone you can live with. You marry someone you cannot live without.”

My own personal viewpoints of marriage aside, I think marriage is a wonderful thing – when done right and for the right reasons. A lot of times you have people misconstruing the idea behind it. To best explain what I mean I use a quote I heard a long time ago that struck a chord with me and made a LOT of sense:

“Men only want in-house pussy while women only want a wedding.”

No commitment. No genuine love. Just need, need, want and greed. Sad truly. If a guy can get a girl to marry him then he never has to worry about sex again. Come on everyone, we all know its harder for men to get sex than it is for women. Men have to work for it. With his wife, its there. Hence, in-house pussy. HOWEVER, they ALSO say once you get married the sex stops. And the cheating starts “there’s no pussy like new pussy” EW! So they say …. so they say. Women, while wanting a commitment always want the flashy expensive wedding to show out and have that dream fantasy wedding most have been thinking of since they were children BUT how many of these same women would marry at City Hall if need be for the sake of saving money or convenience? I can bet you not many, hence, women wanting a wedding and not a marriage *sigh*.

Last night on twitter I made a passing comment on marriage to which a follower of mine replied:

“@lovebugstarsky but then again it aint tradition! It’s the commitment to God.”

Now, I would’ve gotten into it with him (not rudely, just a discussion) but religion is something I don’t debate. Religion is a personal choice and decision and I don’t think personal choices and decisions need be talked about. Plus, we don’t know each other all that well to be having such a discussion. I was cool with his words and respectful of his viewpoint but in all honesty, marriage to me IS traditional. And if I marry someone I’m committing to THEM, not God. However, said commitment is BEFORE God. It’s semantics really but important ones in MY eyes, nonetheless.

OK, that’s enough about religion (lol).

In today’s society a common-law couple has the same rights legally as a married couple. Even if that common-law couple was to split up they can still go to court to fight for property and monies obtained within the relationship just as a married couple would do if they got divorced. My whole thing is this: I don’t want to get a divorce. I’d rather just walk away from my partner. It’s just as much pain, but less expensive. LOL … One would think I’m saying all marriage comes down to is money in that sense and sometimes it does. A lot of couples start out in debt after paying for their huge, lavish wedding and honeymoon, don’t they? Things that make you go hmm.

Divorce is another thing altogether. One shouldn’t walk into a marriage fearing divorce. I mean, that’s just setting yourself up for failure. No one should walk into ANYTHING with the thought of a negative outcome but with the rates as high as they are you can’t help but wonder. Someone told me once that the divorce rates are skewed and the numbers aren’t as high as “they” would have us believe. Even if that IS true, the fact that its OUT there already puts the idea into your head that your marriage has a pretty good chance at failing.

Personally, I’m not going to subscribe to that “I don’t need a piece of paper to show my love and commitment” ideal because honestly, marriage is just more than a piece of paper BUT that doesn’t mean I need a marriage to define my commitment to the man I plan to be with for the rest of my life, either.

Another issue I have with marriage is the assumption I MUST take my husband’s name. I have no problem with that but because I have a child I have to think about her. Unless she is legally adopted I don’t want her to be the only family member with a different last name. I actually had my ex-boyfriend tell me he wouldn’t and couldn’t marry me if I didn’t take his last name. I explained my reasoning and even said I would hyphenate and he said no. I thought hyphenating my name was a great compromise but he said no. End of story. Needless to say, he’s my EX-boyfriend.  I don’t altogether fault him for his beliefs but I feel that when it comes to marriage, it should be a partnership and not a “my way or the highway” type of deal. Clearly,  I took the highway.

I feel that if I do get married one day it WILL MOST DEFINITELY be for the right reasons and it will be because I am so 100% convinced this is the person for me and that’s all there is to it. While I’ve come extremely close to feeling that way about someone I’m still not married so … unless I feel that way again, I’m pretty good with common-law and I don’t see the issue with that.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this matter. Feel free to post and comment. Let’s discuss!



  1. Bonnie said,

    *deep breath*
    Once again, Ms. Lanfrey, you’ve managed to upset my stomach and make me ecstatic all at once. I’m very hopeful that one day I will be married. My outlook on marriage however, is not a positive one. I COMPLETELY agree that people see marriage as something on a to-do list to cross off. If you want get married, I deeply and truly believe it’s because you want to share the ups and the heart-wrenching downs of life with someone.
    My generation has a very pathetic ideal of marriage. I was raised to believe that marriage is a permanent institution. Divorce is not an option unless there is infidelity or abuse. I strongly believe that.
    I agree with marriage being a committment between myself, my husband and God. I am not going to take a man before God and my family, promise to love him for better and for worse and then when bad times come, I’m ready to bail. I think the glamour of divorce has cheapened marriage even more so than it already was.
    I can go on and on but I really like this blog. Marriage, imo, is a permanent institution and anyone who wants to be married should really think about what it is their getting into.

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      WELL SAID. I wholeheartedly agree. I like how you said “people look at it as something to cross off on a to-do list … exaaactly the way i see it/feel.
      Thank you for your comment.

  2. marriagecoach1 said,

    I say don[‘t settle for living together, go for the man who truly wants to make a comitment to you. I am stopping the comment because the rap music is extremely offensive to me. It repressents everhthing wrong with society, misogyny, drugs bitches and hos, smacking women around. I get instantly hostile when I hear rap music.

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      lol. im sorry you feel the way you do. its really easy to just hit “pause” on the music player.

      anyhow, your comment started off well. maybe one day when you can figure out volume control you’ll come back to finish it ….

      would love to hear the rest!

  3. marriagecoach1 said,

    You don’t understand, I grew up in the south and have seen personally the rap mentality. I get instantly hostile and literally want to stomp the guy into unconciousness.. Not only that I am routinely accosted with people who play the rap crap at full volume riding down the streeet. You seem like a nice intellitent black woman. I don’t understand why you would feature rap crap on your site. The guys just seem women in service to their sexual needs and are expendable.

    I love women, I have daughters and for rappers to talk about women with only two descriptions as either bitches or hos makes me fureious. It is about drugs and the gangster lifestyle.

    You should kinow that I am a peaceful guy who is generally non violent but rap trips me sensors where I am instantly ready to fight and do serious damage to a guy.

    You should not sell yourself short in subscribing to this music, the lifestyle etc. As to marriage, a real man will want to marry you and adopt your daughter and be a dad to her. Girls get a lot of their self image from their dads. When they don’t have a dad, they seek it iout innapropriately with older men.

    Don’t sell yourself or your daughter short. If the guy does not want to adipt her he will probably being screwing her while you are out, espedcially if you hook up with a rapper type.. I see it too much in my practice. A good guy who wants to be a daddy might not do it for you since you seem to be attracted to the bad boy, but you need to take care of that daughter and her interests.

    Have some pride and demand respect. Don’t have sex unless and until you are in a committed monogamous relationship no matter how much he sweet talks you.

    I really care about what happens to you and even more so what happens to your daughter.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      ok wow. where to even begin. let me just address your comment point for point

      1. i wont even discuss rap with you because i have more than just “rap crap” on my website. i like ALL kinds of music. if you dont, thats completely fine. i dont listen to rap for inspiration and guidance. i listen to it because i like it. point blank period. if u dont want to listen to it you dont have to come back to this site or like i said you can learn how to adjust the volume on your computer should u choose to re-visit

      2. you are going too far with ur “assessment” of me. sure i used myself and my daughter as an example to illlustrate a point but a SIMPLE paragraph does not paint for you my situation so for you to speak on it as you have is ignorant, incorrect and rude. I don’t owe you an explanation at all but to clear up your bullshit comments that i REFUSE to let stand, my ex actually OPTED to adopt her but BECAUSE my daughter has a father who is present in her life, he would NEVER sign off on his rights for another man to adopt her HENCE me not being able to change her name. you see? you know nothing of what you speak.

      3. never assume just because i am a single mother that i didnt create my child in love. my daughter HAS her father and he is VERY much a presence in her life. so you don’t have to worry .. she won’t seek out any older man, thank you very much. she’s very much Daddy’s Little Girl.

      4. you REALLY dont want to hear me cuss you out for the comment you made about someone screwing her while im out. you went too far and you are a disgusting fuck for even bringing that shit to my blog. this blog is about marriage. you took 2-3 sentences and went WAY overboard with your comment. please refrain from doing so again … You mention you have a practice? What professional with a practice would use the terminology “screw her” in regards to a child? I don’t know who you think you’re fooling but this “intelligent black woman” isn’t buying it.

      5. how the hell do you know what im attracted to? because i like “rap crap” I like bad boys? really? LOL! Get a life, buddy. Get out more.

      6. im going to ASSUME for your sake that your “have some pride and respect” comment was a general statement and not aimed at me. that’s all i’ll say about that.

      7. Who are you to care about me and my child? I don’t need nor want you to care, thank you. I don’t bring my personal life onto this site … ONCE AGAIN, i DID use ONE small situation to illustrate .. if you want to make my ENTIRE blog about 2 sentences, then thats saying more about you and where ur head is at.

      You have yourself a good nite and think long and hard before you hit submit reply should u choose to respond to me.

  4. Elle said,

    Well said. I share some of your sentiments about marriage.

    And kudos to putting anonymous in his place. Don’t bring that nonsense around here.

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      Thank you, love muffin lol

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