Who Does Secrecy REALLY Protect?

4 May 2010 at 3:02 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , )


Privacy vs. secrecy. There’s a difference you know.

Let’s explain. You have two people who like each other and are dating and getting to know each other. One party probably likes the other party more and therefore wants to share with their friends the excitement they feel at the potential of what could possibly be a relationship. However, the other party isn’t really sure and while they may like this person, they don’t know if they actually SEE potential. So, rather than just come out and SAY this, they delay the inevitable, allowing party A to feel something is growing between them, when in reality had they just paid attention to the signs, a huge confuffle would’ve been avoided.

When men and women like each other – and REALLY like each other, there’s no stopping them from telling the world. When a guy meets a great girl, every one of his friends knows it. He may not sing her praises or put her on a pedestal (right away) but he will at the very least say he’s met a girl that he’s crazy for. Don’t believe me? Ask any male. With women, it’s even more so. Why? Because we’re emotional creatures like that. We meet a guy that sweeps us off our feet, we do everything and tell everyone short of taking out an ad in the local paper. And no that’s not an exaggeration, believe me – lol.

There’s a difference between being a private person and letting all your business hang out for the world to see. Then add being flat out SECRETIVE about who you’re with and that adds a whole other dynamic to the conversation. It’s only human nature to showcase your happiness. And rarely will someone NOT do that unless other factors come into play. When dating someone pay attention to the signs of whether or not you are being kept a secret for a legitimate reason (which I personally think there isn’t one) or for something more sinister. Privacy vs. secrecy. Know the difference.

If you are dating someone of “stature” and you don’t measure up, chances are you won’t be raved about. Let’s be honest. If you look at who you’re dating, talking to, sleeping with and etc, and you feel you aren’t up to their standards, chances are they feel the same way. It’s almost like they are too ashamed to come out and admit they like you or are with you because they fear what others think. Or, because of their own self-hatred feel they have taken a step back by being with someone who’s clearly not on the level of the last person they dated. They feel ashamed and put that shame onto you, which is so wrong on so many levels. They CHOSE to be with you – in whatever capacity, yet punish you because you aren’t good enough. Why mess with you then? Probably because you made yourself available in whatever way they needed you to be. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they will discard you for someone more their “type”. This isn’t too far from the truth in most cases but rarely will you find someone to be honest enough to admit that. Most people don’t want to be seen as someone who’s “dating down” … so even if the situation they have is a good one, if you aren’t an “upgrade” chances are you won’t be spoken about.  Who does the secrecy protect? Their reputation. One they probably don’t even realize means shit all.

There are some people who actually have been through the fire when it comes to putting themselves and their relationship out there for consumption and depending on how sincere they are when explaining their reasoning, the keeping you a secret COULD be legitimate. Let’s use Facebook as a prime example. Most people will tell you how crazy Facebook can be when it comes to relationships and how foul it can be. First of all, let me state it’s not the site or the “in a relationship with” option that breaks up a relationship. It’s the people who sign up and can’t mind their own business and the couple that allows third parties to break up a happy home. There have long since been leeches and bloodsuckers ready to break up a relationship – Facebook and the internet just make it that much easier is all. And boy I tell ya … misery loves her some company. I prefer to let people know I have someone but I ALSO prefer to keep that someone to myself. My closest friends and loved ones know who he is but I don’t need his name on my page, nor does his face or our pictures  belong everywhere for people to see, comment on or have randoms add to their own friends list that don’t even know him. What does that privacy protect? Our relationship.

Then you have those people who altogether REFUSE to acknowledge you in any capacity. They don’t even want to make it look like you’re their friend.  They barely text you (because that’s evidence) and if you try to talk to them, the convo’s are short and to the point. Most of anything you speak about is done face to face. For all intents and purposes, you basically only know them from the ‘net. You may be on their friends or follower lists but yet they don’t write on your wall or tweet you. If they acknowledge you at all its in a very general and HUGELY platonic way. To anyone looking in from the outside you’re probably just someone they know through the ‘net, in passing or from around the way. They’d never guess this was someone you see, sleep with and date regularly. This is probably the worst situation to be in, reason being because you probably are so blinded by their bullshit that you don’t see the signs that you are “the other” woman/man. More than likely, you’ve got that gut feeling that something about the way they treat you isn’t right but you still continue on this path because for whatever reason you’ve got no other path to travel. It’s so unhealthy and while you can’t prove it one thing you suspect is the secrecy this time, is usually protecting the boyfriend or girlfriend. Or wife. Or husband. SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for privacy. These days having a relationship is so hard because there are always people who want to bring you down and see you unhappy, which is really sad! If people spent as much time looking at their OWN lives rather than looking at other peoples’ imagine what the world would be like. But I’m preaching to the choir. At the same time, though, a relationship involves two people and two people only – not the world. Those two people have to be strong on their own and with each other to not allow outside influences break them apart. This doesn’t mean its OK to be secretive about your love and happiness but it means that BOTH people have to be on the same page about keeping things quiet. If it hurts your partner to constantly seem like a ghost in your life then you owe it to them to somehow make them know that’s not the case. How its done really depends on the status of your relationship with them and how creative you are. You need to find a balance in your relationship so that your partner feels you are proud of them and proud to be WITH them. Otherwise, self-doubt  rears its ugly head and all kinds of other emotions crop up, least of all resentment. It’s easily avoidable and the only way it can be done is through communication.

Keeping your relationship PRIVATE is one thing, keeping it a SECRET is another. There’s a fine line and minor difference between the two but be careful walking it. It could be what drives a wedge between you and the person you claim to care so much for. Once you cross that line, be prepared for all that comes along with it. Guaranteed if you make the wrong choice you’ll end up paying for it in the end and realizing it wasn’t worth it. Be wise within your relationship. Be fair to your mate.

Advertisements

3 Comments

  1. Bonnie said,

    Absolutely ❤ this. So many things revealed & confirmed to myself in this. Can I have permission to share this?

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      You most certainly can. I’m glad you liked it 😉

  2. Martial arts instructors, do you spar with your students? | chinese martial arts said,

    […] Who Does Secrecy REALLY Protect? « Corprah Lanfrey […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: