First Date Sex … Yay or Nay?

23 August 2009 at 2:22 pm (Life, Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , )


I had a friendly debate on facebook last night with some real and honest people – my friends – and it started based on a conversation I had with someone. He told me to not tell anyone this as it was a “man secret”, LOL, but I just wanted to know what people thought. Sorry, Chi. I had to 😉 Here is what he and I were discussing last night/early this morning:

“It doesn’t matter when you give it up to them. A man knows what he wants the minute he meets you. If you wait 14 months to give it up to him it doesn’t guarantee you a relationship. If you fuck the first nite you could end up with a husband. Sex has nothing to do with it, if you dont believe me, ask your male friends

With this quote, I changed my facebook status to see what people would say. I was actually wondering what kind of response I would get given that it was two in the morning but a good conversation came out of it.

Personally, I’ve always secretly felt that sleeping with someone on the first date would make someone a hoe. I knew that this WASN’T the case because I’d done it before and I’m not a hoe but I felt like I would be labelled one or mistaken for one (I hope that made sense).  However, it wasn’t like I met someone at a club and went home with them. There is a difference between sleeping together on the first date and having a one night stand (so please keep that in mind while reading the rest of this post). In my eyes, if you actually have a date with someone, there would be some kind of lead up to the date, whether it was frequent talking on the phone or email or whatever the situation. You somewhat know this person relatively well and have taken the time and effort to know them so by the time the date comes around, if there is that bond and chemistry and you both want it, why not take that step?

I found it amazing to know that a man would know right off the bat if he wanted to be with a woman long term or just have sex with her. This was shocking to me because I can usually tell that. I never thought men to be that perceptive. I don’t give men a lot of credit PERIOD when it comes to things like this. Maybe I’m wrong and way off.  With that being said, it made me wonder, well if a man isn’t trying to be with me relationship-wise and he knows this from the beginning,  then me withholding sex isn’t going to work in my favour at all anyway, so why do it? And then I thought, do us women REALLY have the power of the pussy now? Was that all a made up illusion to make us think we do? Essentially, I suppose if we are ALREADY in a relationship then I guess we could withhold sex to gain results from our man but in the dating stages, it appears to be different. If I, say, was to withhold sex from a guy I’ve started to date to see just how compatible we are or if there is going to be anything between us and think I’m doing the right thing I could be absolutely disillusioned because he has already made up his mind if whether or not he sees me in that same light. I’m just wasting my time here, no?

Some good metaphors and quotations used by my friends were:

“Anybody can tell you the end of a 3 hour movie but whats the fun in that?” and “A home cooked meal is always worth more than frozen food.” and “So you can hold that ‘pussy is power’ while your man is thinking ‘penis is promiscuity'” and “It’s all about the moment and who is in it with you.” and “If the sex happens, it happens. You were living the moment. There should be no regrets to something so natural.”

I especially like the last one – haha. These came from both men and women, though, it was just myself and my homegirl discussing it from a ladies standpoint.

Basically, I can see the benefits and non-benefits of moving too soon but if Chi is right and men REALLY already know within minutes if a relationship is going to happen then I suppose it truly doesn’t matter if we sleep together right away or not. Food for thought.

Imagine, if you will, someone waiting to have sex with the person they are dating and then it happens say, 3 months later and the sex is BAD or not what they expected! That would suck, wouldn’t it!? I know it would for me. While I don’t think sex is everything in a relationship, I do think its important. I do think that if you cannot connect through physical pleasure then you may have problems.  For people that are adamant about not sleeping with a guy on the first date, I would assume you’d at LEAST be willing to kiss someone. Kissing is important because, in my opinion, you are able to determine and somewhat measure the level of intensity and passion they are working with and this usually will be an indication of what their sex game is like. If a guy is a sloppy kisser, chances are he’s also a sloppy lay. Not always but sometimes. But herein lies my point of wasting time. I would be pissed if I made the effort to date someone for three months, feelings have developed and then nothing else transpires. Yes,  we may have laid down the foundation for a wonderful friendship but I didn’t want a friendship to begin with. If I did, I never would’ve slept with you in the first place, feel me? Waste of time.

So most people (and the majority is women – but of course) say “No sex on the first date” but does that mean its ok on the 2nd or 3rd then? Because what if you spend 3-4 days with someone and have 2-3 dates in that time period? Or is it a matter of waiting weeks or months, no matter how many dates you’ve had? This is exactly the reason I don’t agree with the fact that “first date sex” is a bad thing. For example, I can date someone twice in two months and not know them that well because we are always so busy and then sleep with them after 2 dates but think its OK because I’ve known them 2 months. Do you see the dilemma here?  I truly believe every situation is unique and every person is different. Of course you have to draw the line at doing it all the time. If you are consistently sleeping with someone the first time you date them then maybe you ARE a hoe but I think it’s important to know your situation and not read too much into it. Communication is always important and if there is a great connection then go for it. You’re both adults and should be able to deal with any consequences  should they arise.

I’m going to leave you guys with this food for thought: Anything you do in the bedroom is behind closed doors and between you and your partner. You can sit all day and worry about what people will think of you but if your partner doesn’t think any less of you then why should you think any less of yourself? And, always remember you aren’t the only one sleeping with someone on the first date. THEY ARE TOO. There are no double standards in my world. They aren’t exempt from the “hoe label” … they are just as much at fault, for lack of a better term, as you are.

Just know yourself and your situation and do what you feel is right. No one can take that from you.

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2 Comments

  1. sexyredd357 said,

    ONE NIGHT STANDS CAN TURN OUT TO BE GREAT.
    IF YOU SEE ONE ANOTHER AROUND THE WAY AND YOU BOTH RESPECT ONE ANOTHER YOU MAY HAVE THE MAKINGS OF A GREAT RELATIONSHIP.
    THERE ARE TIMES WHEN A GUY JUSTB WANTS TO KNOW IF LADIES HAVE ANY SKILLS. HE WANTS SOMEONE W3HO KNOWS HOW TO BE A LADY IN THE STREETS AND A STONE COLD FREAK IN THE BED ROOM.
    GOOD PUSSY CAN GET YOU AN APARTMENT – GOOD HEAD CAN GET YOU A HOME.

    LATER

  2. John said,

    This is a hard 1 for me.Been there,done that and the irony was the female wanted the one nighter.I was supposed to be a pawn to get her man jealous it flipped,because we turned it into a booty call.I didn’t view her as a hoe,tramp or anything else along those lines.We ended up being cool with one another the calls where exhausted.First night sex can end up being something serious as long as both people are mature about it and don’t have any regrets or doubts.If you been talking for awhile e-mail,phone,etc…I don’t consider that 1st date booty.Now if we meet up in a club and end up in the bed that’s different.At my age you can have a meaningful relationship after 1st date sex.

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