Case Of the Ex

7 June 2009 at 9:38 pm (Life, Love & Relationships, WTF!?)


See. I have a problem with Murphy’s Law. Seriously.

In a previous post I had written about love and relationships and basically had my mind made up that I was content in my current situation of singledom. I didn’t lie. I was. Until HE got back in touch with me. Without going into too much detail and without putting too much of my personal situation out there I will say, I’m going to give it another go. However, he and I are both aware of the magnitude of the situation and therefore I am extremely cautious and hesitant to celebrate before the party starts. With that being said, I WILL be optimistic and put out into the universe, as much positivity as I can. I need all the help I can get at this point. I do want to take the time to say to my loved ones, specifically those that DO know the details, I appreciate and love you dearly for your prayers, concerns and all around hope for everything to work out.

All this being said, I have an ex (different from the aforementioned one). An ex I was romantically involved with from 19 and up until 4 years ago (off and on, though). This ex up until four years ago was my weakness. Someone who, no matter how hard I tried, I could NOT cut off completely or stay away from. I did when I was involved in another relationship or when he was involved in a relationship but we always somehow made our way back to each other. ALWAYS.  I think everyone at one time or another has always had that special someone that you always went back to. Until it got to be too much. He has it in his mind he and I made a pact about 6 years ago where we stated no matter what happened in our relationships, even our marriages (should we be blessed to have that), we will always be each others #1. Now, I don’t remember this. At all. I would never agree to something like that, ESPECIALLY when it comes to being married. I take marriage and vows VERY seriously but I humoured him. After all, I was single, he was single, whatever. But I started to realize and ask myself: will he and I ever have a FUTURE? A REAL one? Even though all those years ago I wanted that with him I always knew deep down I would and could never marry him. Even when I was madly in love with him, I knew he would never be my HUSBAND. There was no trust. There was a deep love and a great friendship but there was no trust. He left two girlfriends to come back to me (or so I was lead to believe). He also cheated on his baby mother to be with me, though, I wasn’t aware they were still together until after the fact. It was a very volatile situation. One I was not and am not proud of but I was as much deceived as she. So goes it. Just under a year ago I decided to call it quits for good. I didn’t even want a friendship. Nothing. I wanted him gone. It broke my heart because I was saying goodbye to someone that’s been a part of my life for as long as I could remember but without a question it HAD to be done. And for just under a year he stayed away. No calls, no text messages, no emails … until yesterday.

WHY when I have decided to finally welcome back the love of my life do I get the past knocking at my door? I know this is a test. I know this is Murphy’s Law: if something CAN go wrong, it will. I don’t like nor appreciate being tested. It makes me feel like my happiness will always be JUST out of my reach and I’ll only grasp it IF I pass this test. Why can’t I just live life and not have to worry about things like this? I mean, I know it’s life and thats what happens but the past is the past. Why can’t it stay as such? The past should NOT be resurrecting itself or coming back to haunt me IF I CUT THE PAST OFF!!! This notion of him finding his way back to me AGAIN has to stop. I thought it DID stop. What more do I have to do? What more do I have to say? We SAID our final goodbyes. I’m so tired of having my exes hit me up out of the blue to bring strife to me.

When will enough be enough?

I don’t know. It’s not a question as to what I have to do or where I need to focus my attention. I already know and I already AM but I just want to know why the path has to be a cobblestone’d curve rather than a smooth straight granite one?

I never expected life to be easy but I also didn’t expect it to be such a pain in my ass, either.

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2 Comments

  1. Mz. Fenyx said,

    Chuuuuh! At the end of the day, life is about taking risks and learning. I wish you the absolute BEST of everything.

    * picks up bat *

    …just in case.

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      i know you are rooting for us. and I thank you for your support. he is well aware of your bat LOL

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