I’ve Had About Enough

21 April 2009 at 7:51 pm (Life, Love & Relationships)

Man. Oh. Man.

I don’t know what it is about this month but this month I’ve had 5 apologies from 5 different people. Some random; some not. Some were unexpected, some weren’t. All were unprovoked though. As well, April has shown me that I need to stop trying to help people and offer my time and support. God helps those that help themselves and last I checked, I’m definitely not God. I hate offering help to people that ask for it, whether directly or indirectly and they do nothing with it. Why bother asking? Better yet, why do I bother to keep offering?

The apologies started out small. Just a couple people saying sorry for things said or done recently that they initially felt they had no reason to apologize for. Whatever. Then a HUGE one came from my ex. One I never thought would come but came conveniently on the day before my birthday. Hmm. It just dredged up questions and confusion and even now, days later with many conversations since, I have no idea why it transpired or what it means. I just know it happened and while I know I deserved the apology, I’m not sure if all the confusion that’s come after it was worth it; especially given the fact that it was MANY months too late. The next apology was one I LIKED oddly enough but didn’t expect to get. It was one of consideration. Someone was unable to keep their word and rather than dust it under the carpet they manned up and considered my feelings in the matter and apologized. See, I’m a simple person. If someone can’t do something nor can they be somewhere they said they would be, all I ask of them is a phone call or even a text message. Just be considerate. Usually that doesn’t happen. At least from the male gender, however, this time it did and it blew me away. He knows who he is – and I thank you for being so considerate. The LAST apology came about 2 hours ago from an OLLLLLD friend of mine whom I had a bitter falling out with about 4 years ago when I confessed to him that I had feelings for him. He basically cut me off and stopped speaking to me for whatever reason and I never knew why. Today he apologized for that and went into why he did it and why he shouldn’t have. I responded with a very casual note thanking him for the apology and letting him know that I accept it, as I should, given that I don’t hate the guy. But again, I feel like its just too little too late.

I don’t know what these apologies are supposed to do for me. I forgive and I do it easily. I don’t hold grudges. I don’t forgive for THEM. I forgive for ME. I don’t hold animosity in my heart. I’m a better person than that and I don’t do drama and stress. It doesn’t manifest itself well in my body. Anyhow, I often wonder why these apologies happen. Is it due to what they say as “I just wanted to make things right” or “It was the right thing to do” or “I felt bad about it for awhile now and its been bothering me and I just wanted to let you know that.”  Maybe apologizing for them is what forgiving is to me. They aren’t apologizing for ME but for themselves because it makes them feel better and their guilty conscience is clear. Otherwise, what would take them so long to say they are sorry? I give up. I’ve had enough.

On another note but in relation to the aforementioned, I am no longer offering my time, support, and help to people that CLAIM they want or need it and then turn around and do nothing with it. I’ve sat up til the wee hours of the morning talking to loved ones, friends and acquaintances about things going on in their life and have offered to do what I could to help them. I follow through on said offer as I should because that’s what a FRIEND and GROWN WOMAN does. But, alas, nothing becomes of it. Wack. I’m in a good place in my life emotionally and spiritually and I love to pass that on because I feel if I can inspire one person then THAT person can in turn inspire another. Pay it forward, you know? We all know how that concept works. But I’m done. I’m tired of being an unselfish person and giving what I can to those that I love, like and care for. I’m starting to think the fact that I’ve been apologized to 5 times in 2 weeks says a lot more about me doing for others and being walked over than it does for people simply feeling bad they walked over me. Basically I’ve allowed, at the very least, 5 people in my lifetime to wrong me and that’s 5 people too many. I’m still going to me who I am, because I LIKE who I am but I’m no longer going out of my way to do for people that really have done jackshit for me. Point blank, period.

I’m over it.


1 Comment

  1. Mz. Fenyx said,

    The people that appreciate your efforts and the time you spend talking to them, will definitely let you know mama. It sucks when you give your time and effort to helping people who just want to take from you, but they’ll get theirs…ALWAYS. ❤

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