You Buy Before You Pee!!!

12 September 2008 at 8:10 pm (Rants) (bathroom, bladder, pee, pee pee dance, piss, tinkle, toilet, urinate, washroom)

This concept is annoying. Why do I have to buy something in order to pee first?

Has this happened to you?

Have you been walking around shopping downtown and when you pop into a store or cafe to politely ask to use their bathroom, you are met with the most ghastly look? Or on the other hand it may be the most sickeningly sweet smile? Whichever the look, the words are always the same: “I’m sorry. Our washrooms are for paying customers only.” WHAT!? WHY!? NO!? Don’t you understand I am thisclose from doing the pee pee dance for your patrons? Do you not understand it’s slowly coming out? I HAVE TO GO NOW!

But they don’t budge. Occasionally they will bend and let you go on ahead. But I tell you, some REALLY drive a hard bargain. In Mississauga, I can usually go into any establishment, save for restaurants, and use their bathroom, no questions asked. I’m given the key or shown where and left to tinkle in all my heavenly glory. However, in Toronto? An entirely different ball game altogether. Now, this could be due to the fact there is a greater homeless and junkie population in the city of Toronto as opposed to more suburban cities like Mississauga, Brampton or Pickering. And you don’t want just anyone using your establishment’s bathrooms. I get that. I don’t like walking into a bathroom and seeing it completely dirty and run down. I’d rather piss myself four times over before I use that toilet. But, I don’t look homeless, nor do I look like a user. OK, so the latter could be harder to distinguish. Fine. I’ll give them that.

The point I’m making is this: if you lock up your bathrooms, you’ve already set the standard. People would have to ask you, thus making YOU the keyholder to someone ELSE’S bladder. This just isn’t fair. I’m sure clerks and hosts/hostesses can make a judgement call to allow certain people to pee. What is the justification for me having to buy something in order to pee? What is it? I could go into a store and buy a bottle of water for $1 and I’ll be allowed to pee. I just paid $1 to piss, buying something that my body is 60% made up of and will probably leave out my vagina the minute I drink it. I JUST PAID $1 TO PEE!? Wtf?

Caribana weekend, my friend had to change her pad. She desperately told them she needed to use the facilities because she had to change her pad and they told her no. THEY TOLD HER NO! Wtf? How do you refuse the bathroom to a woman having her period!? Ok. Granted, we were trying to get into the Ontario Place bathrooms but that’s neither here nor there! She offered to leave her purse with them for collateral. They still said no.

Why are the people of Toronto so anal (pun not intended) and uptight about their bathroom usage? We all gotta pee! We all gotta go! This is unjust. This is ludicrous. This is WRONG!

I have decided that the next time I need to pee and someone tells me “no” I will prepare to squat on their floor and piss in protest. The shock on their faces will be replaced by disgust as the scent of my urine permeates their noses.

I swear I’ll do it. I promise.