I Grew Up Today

4 September 2008 at 11:17 pm (Beauty, Health & Fitness, Love & Relationships, Random) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Saying you are going to grow up one day, is the easiest thing in the world. Actually doing it, though? Hard as hell.

I’m sitting at work today and I’m trying to be cordial with him. I’m trying to offer something to him. A peace offering if you will. He refuses to take it. And, then, it hit me. I grew up today.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because I vowed when I started this blog I wouldn’t get personal. But sometimes you need to, if even just a bit, in order to showcase your point.

I used to be the type to hold grudges. To the point where it consumed me. Then I let all that shit go. I had to, for my sanity and for my health. I was stressing a lot and having migraines almost every day. But there was one person that could get underneath my skin like no other. One person that could push all my buttons and have me react in ways my own mother couldn’t. I asked myself why that was. WHY? He’s just a man. And I had to give it to myself straight. I had to be honest and bring it out. It’s not like I didn’t know. I did. I was in severe denial because I was in love.

I was too dependent on him for my sanity and happiness. So anytime he did something wrong, no matter HOW trivial, it shook me to my core. It threw me off balance. I realized that I’d become dependent and needy. All the things a woman should never be. Especially when it comes to a man.

I began to see that I was looking to him for validation and approval. And I wasn’t going to get it. Not from him. He’s not that type. He can’t and won’t validate me. It was HIS way of doing things. What I needed from him he refused to give me because it directly conflicted with his own needs. There would be no middle ground. And I knew this. But I still fought it. I hoped for change. I hoped for it to be better. He probably knew this but he wasn’t empathetic at all. Didn’t really seem to care. Didn’t feel like he had to. He wasn’t here to babysit me. I’m a grown ass woman. Apparently.

I needed to grow up.

The past few days I’ve thought about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that accountability is probably the most important part of growing up. Not blaming someone else for your problems and issues. Not holding someone else responsible for your indiscretions and not manipulating situations so that you are always right. Taking accountability for this and giving myself the truth talk has shown me I’ve finally grown up.

Sure I was paying bills. Sure I was living on my own. Sure I was holding down a full time job and more and more and more. But I was far from grown. I was young minded and still naive DESPITE thinking I was good to go. I thought I was GROWN.

I had sought advice about friendships and relationships from other people without first going to said friend or boyfriend. I wasn’t even asking MYSELF what I thought of the situation. I’d make up my mind without thought and then hear what I needed to from a biased person and that was it. That’s all there was. I wasn’t giving myself enough time to sit and reflect on a situation. But last night I laid my cards out on the table and while it killed me to do it, my heart was immediately lifted. My entire mind and body felt 1000X lighter.

The weight you discard when you have that shining moment is monumental. You IMMEDIATELY feel like the world has been taken off your shoulders. You smile more, even in the face of adversity. You laugh more, you hold your head higher. It just becomes a better and brighter day.

Today I grew up.

And I’m a better woman for it. I still have more things to learn of course, therefore I still have to grow. We are always growing. But today I grew UP. There’s a difference. And thank God it happened now. Today, I’m confident enough to say (and believe) I AM a grown woman.

I can honestly say, that I’m truly, genuinely happy (save for my crap job – ugh). But it’s OK because I’m working on a MAJOR change regarding the world of work. I just have to be smart about it.

[Audio=http://www.fileden.com/files/2008/1/18/1707081/Allen%20Anthony%20-%20Alright.mp3]

I was reminded of this track as I wrote this blog. There are no coincidences in life, I believe.

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4 Comments

  1. D Inspectah said,

    That’s awesome! And I mean that in every sense of the word. I’m truly happy for you, because once you truly realize that no one else is responsible for your happiness, you can see through clearer lenses. It’s a lessoned learn that is unforgettable and for me, the best teacher of all.

    Know having this insight, you will notice you will treat yourself with the utmost respect because you won’t accept anything less.

    Yay for you!

  2. Corprah Lanfrey said,

    thank you so much.

    this means a lot, especially coming from you.
    i really feel a lot better …. now, if only i could get more sleep HAHAAHA.

  3. Moose said,

    The past few days I’ve thought about this and I’ve come to the conclusion that accountability is probably the most important part of growing up. Not blaming someone else for your problems and issues. Not holding someone else responsible for your indiscretions and not manipulating situations so that you are always right. Taking accountability for this and giving myself the truth talk has shown me I’ve finally grown up.

    =====================================================

    That is a big statement right there. This takes a lot of humility and
    being humble to come to this conclusion. A lot of people who are
    innocently naive or have a lot of pride never take any accountability.
    Kudos to you having this epiphany and I definitely understand what
    you been feeling the weight coming of your shoulders. It seems like the
    air smells different and the sky is a different shade of blue.

  4. Corprah Lanfrey said,

    =D

    thank you!! when you give yourself enough time to think you really GET it, you know. I was afraid to be alone with my thoughts because I didnt think i could handle them. But I forced myself to listen to reason. And this is what I came up with.

    thank you for your kind words, Moose =)

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