The Futility of Threesomes – In Relationships

23 August 2008 at 11:25 am (Love & Relationships) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Threesomes, typically, are about representing a fantasy. It’s usually only a sexual experience that one or all three people want to partake in. Threesomes, for the most part, I’d think are wanted mostly by men that want to have their cake and eat it too.

And that’s fine. For single people.

When you’re single you can do whatever you want without repercussion or consequence. You don’t have any responsibility to anyone else and you definitely don’t have to answer to anyone.

But, when you are in a relationship, now? You can’t just up and do what you want. There are always repercussions and consequences. A relationship is about two people and their commitment to each other so having a threesome in a relationship would prove futile, no? I don’t think you should be bringing in a third person for the fantasy or to spice up your sex life. Or to make the other half happy. I can see some reasons why people could make themselves believe it to be a good idea but all the same, the ends, in this situation, just wouldn’t and couldn’t, justify the means.

What good can become of your relationship if you bring another person into your bed, even if it was just once?  Whether its a new relationship, a long term relationship or a marriage, nothing good can come of this. Think about it. Even the strongest of people would have lingering doubts and questions and what ifs swirling around in their head. Was there too much attention placed on the third? Is the third calling my man or woman behind my back? Does my partner wish we could do it again? Is she (or he) now attracted to the third?  I mean, its a bad situation to be in after the fact.

You could be the most confident and secure person but seeing your supposed better half having sex before your very eyes is liable to shake you. No doubt about that. Some people would argue that allowing your spouse the freedom of a threesome while in a relationship is a great deterrent to having them cheat outside of the relationship without the other person knowing. I say, damn all that! Basically, what the partner would be agreeing to is cheating … but right in their face. Allowing your partner that sort freedom would have you getting all that you deserve should the outcome be a bad one. Unless you want it to? Unless you want that experience as well? In which case, be careful what you wish / ask for. What you think may be a freaky and kinky experience may turn out to be the beginning of the end of your relationship.

I used to think I would do anything to make my man happy. I’d rather be the one to fulfill his fantasies than someone else, but where do you draw the line? Do you fulfill his fantasy by allowing another woman to put her hands on him? If he was just any old somebody or any old guy I was dating, maybe I could go through with it, but no. It’s not worth it. If you sit and think long enough … the outcome just isn’t going to be a good one no matter how you slice it.

I’ve personally seen and heard relationships break up over the threesome experience. Even if the third party didn’t involve thyself with either person afterwards, the self doubt between the two people in the relationship became insurmountable and just couldn’t be dealt with. No matter what rules you try to ensure before the act, everyone knows rules are meant to be broken. How do you even approach the topic? Who initiates the desire to introduce a threesome? How would you feel if you were the person being asked to partake?

If you feel a threesome in your relationship is beneficial, more power to you but remember that you should really think about the possible outcomes and if they are worth it. Always assume the worst in a situation and think if you want to be in it. If you realize you don’t, don’t do it then. It’s pretty simple. Or better yet, line up that threesome when you’re single and there aren’t any feelings or emotional attachments and if you ARE single, don’t involve a girl that you know likes you. It’s a fine line to walk so tread carefully.

It all comes down to respect. Respect of your partner and your relationship. If you can get the concept of respect then chances are you won’t have to deal with the fallout of a threesome.

18 Comments

  1. 2 Better Times » The Futility of Threesomes - In Relationships said,

    [...] Read the rest of this great post here [...]

  2. Ammar said,

    I did 3 some once and sometimes its hurtful as the couple was married and they invited me. we had really good time but he active male become more attractive to me than his other half and eventually left him and wanted me but i didn’t considered him coz history repeat itself.

  3. Corprah Lanfrey said,

    you say “the active male became more attractive to me than his other half and eventually left HIM and wanted me” … are u a male or female and was this a gay relationship you were invited into? i just ask for clarity on your comment

    not that it matters any because regardless of the genders in your threesome your story proves my point in how its a bad idea. thank you for sharing =)

  4. dmn ponce said,

    I really agree with you, I was looking for some info on this to make myself sure that this is not a good idea since im in a long relationship and I dont wanna screw up on this. Thanks for this useful post.

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      Thank you for your feedback. You’re most welcome. Im glad I could be of some help. When I wrote this piece I wrote from my own personal experiences and feelings regarding the subject. I had flip flopped a lot on the issue and finally made up my mind that if this is something you wish to do, fine, but weigh all consequences and dont bring it into a loving relationship. A relationship is for two people. Yes, it may be conventional to some, with an alternate way of living, but its what SHOULD be for me. Glad you agree :)

  5. Kimani said,

    As a guy in a relationship, the way you laid it down, I definitely understand your points, and agree. I never thought of the whole “cheating in your face” clause…

    but as a guy, I still gotta think of a way to write that out of the contract, lol, I jokes.

    –Kimani

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      hahahha. at least ur keeping it real :P

  6. april said,

    I wish I had read this before my husband and I had a threesome. My husband did not have sex with the other female, he was too nervous, however,he spent most of the time satisfying her. i did not get much attention unless i actually asked for it. i was angry that night with my husband and told him so right away. if you hold it in it will spin around in your head and you will never forget. we talked about it and talked about it and talked about my feelings and his. we are going to be ok but i have to advise against 3somes. couples who do this and say it enhances their relationship are full of it, they are desperate people trying to please one of the partners and hold on to their spouse or partner. most people who participate in 3somes eventually divorce or breakup….statisics dont lie.

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      Wow. After reading that, I’m so glad to hear you and your husband will be ok. Your story is EXACTLY what this piece is about. I can only hope ppl read this and completely understand the ramifications of their actions or better yet, think it over ONE more time before they decide to do this because not every April & ____ WILL be ok. I much appreciate you taking the time to read this post and comment. Thank you.

  7. Lena Carson said,

    Wow, Read your article, its true. I was involved in a threesome, it happened multiple times. We hung out, went to dinner it didn’t always lead to sex. Then I was invited to spend the night, by him of course, I declined, they lived together. Then our threesome, became us having hot sex in front of her, oral and intercourse. While I wouldn’t perform oral on either of them she performed oral on him, I assumed when I wasn’t there then he would take care of her. I felt horrible, she didn’t get any pleasure, told him so. He later explained to me their situation, I confirmed this by her. So since she said fine, we started having sex while she was at work, she knew about it. I wanted to get back to the threesome, he didn’t want to he wanted it to be just me and him without her. Then he started saying it was me he desired, dirty texting me, and kissing me intently. Well, as skilled a lover as he was, I had grown to like her, and felt weirded out by this. I told him that I was done. I received a message from her that they were breaking up and thing weren’t right in their relationship, we had only been friends for 5 months. I never intend do damage to their relationship, didn’t contact them for outside of being intimate, unless they ask me to join them. This was my first 3some, and my last, they had several before me. I guess he took a liken to mine, and maybe she had a hard time dealing with it. Physically, I was in better shape, we are both attractive females, she is the only female I ever kissed and my last, can’t do the lesbian thing. Truthfully, I was curious, they approached me. But I will never again do that, I want to ask her but can’t bring myself to do it, If I was somehow responsible. What do you think?

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      That’s horrible. I think it was your mistake sleeping with him (without her) in the first place but at the same time, realizing your mistake and calling an end to it was very grown. Whether or not the wife says you were the cause isn’t the case. The fact they wanted to explore the threesome in itself wasn’t wrong but the fact they continued to do it, whilst having other relationship issues is what REALLY led to their break up. At the end of the day, for a couple thats so in love and want to try something new they need to understand there are consequences like my post outlined. Once their curiosity is filled they must move on. Don’t continue to do something harmful. Nothing good can come of that.

      You may have led to their break up Lena but you weren;t the reason. Their relationship had underlying issues and THAT was the true cause as to why they split. I don’t profess to be a relationship expert but that’s pretty plain as day.

  8. Sarah Bowtham said,

    Stumbled across your post whilst looking online for information. My ex had suggested a threesome, which HAD to be with another girl as far as he was concerned. He said he was perfectly ok not to but I still felt really uneasy about it. It just feels so unfair. Like, as if some guys feel as if they are ‘allowed’ to ask and almost ‘expect’ girlfriends to let another girl into bed with them. And don’t even consider how it would feel to see their girlfriend pleasuring or beng pleasured by another guy. This just made me so angry and I know it’s childish, but I felt as if it was really unfair. I know it’s wrong to feel so down about only a ‘suggestion’, but I had such a romantic idea in my head about beautiful relationships, being shared between two people and complete monogamy was supposed to feel amazing as long as you respect each other and love each other, niether person should need anymore. Even just the suggestion ripped all of that away from me, and I’ve become so cynical and feel lonely and pathetic for feeling this way. So it feels good to read what you’ve written here. I feel less alone now and I agree with what you wrote about ‘relationships being for two people’. Hopefully I’ll stop feeling so insecure and find someone with a mutual understanding of this and find a happy, deep, meaningful relationship.

    Thank you.

  9. Frustrated blondie said,

    I too have stubbled upon this looking for info, my bf of 2.5 years wants to break up with me because I won’t do a threesome or “share him”. I said I shouldn’t have to and IF I do its a BONUS to the relationship not a requirement. His ex gf and him used to have an open relationship and would do 3somes all the time…i’m not like that…but after living with him for 1.5yrs and falling in love with him its so unfair to me to have to feel that pressure (have a 3some) just to STAY with the person I love! Every time I have a female friend over he will say ‘you should do this’ or you should do that.. so I cant even enjoy having some time with my friend. The worst part is, when Isay no to his request, then as soon as she leaves he ignores me and is all pissy and mean because I wouldn’t do what he wanted. He says he shouldn’t have to stay with someone who is’nt even willing to ‘show off’ to him. I feel as if I shouldn’t have to have another woman involved to SHOW off.. I like to show off with my own body, my cooking skills, anything else that makes me, ME. He says that we should break up because he doesn’t want to get to 3 years and finally have me do something ‘interesting’ and have it ‘be a 3 out of a 10 on the hot scale’. I know this post is’nt exactly my situation, but it helps me a little to know other people are dealing with issues involving another person. I’m sure a lot of you are wondering why I even stay with someone like that, but i’m completely in love with him and everything else about our relationship is basically perfect. As of right now we are together..but i doubt it will be for long..

    • Corprah Lanfrey said,

      I’m sad to hear you’re going through this. I don’t think a man that truly loves you would put so much pressure on you and give you ultimatums or make you feel like you wouldn’t live up to his expectations in the near future. At the same time, if he made his desires and wants and needs known from the beginning you had to know that he would eventually start with the asking of the threesomes and other things he is looking for. If you both have clear-cut ideas about sex and monogamy and neither one of you are willing to budge on them, then you’re last line may be the most prophetic line you could’ve written – you may not be together for long. Sex is definitely not the most important part of a relationship but it’s certainly ONE important aspect and if you can’t see eye to eye on it then there will be cause for disagreements and even resentment. I liken it to the problem of arguing about finances in a relationship. I hope you find a way to compromise SOMEHOW with regards to this topic but as I said, if it means that much to him to have a threesome and it means that much to you to not have one then there isn’t much more you can do. Even when the rest of your relationship is perfect it really only takes one disagreement to bring it all crashing down. Love shouldn’t be hurtful, full of pressure or demanding. Remember that.

  10. Taz said,

    I have read a lot of negativity in regards to threesomes, so, here is a positive perspective…

    My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years and we have participated in a threesome just recently… We had fantasized about it for 5 years and we both want the same thing… This time it was a mmf scenario… And honestly our relationship has gotten better… We’ve got an extremely strong relationship and we have survived the loss of our infant, yes, we did have some time apart during the time that we lost our son… But it was only because we both needed space to deal with our grief… We both turned on each other at that point in time and critized how the other was dealing with it… But that is completely normal in that situation, he got grief counselling and i got trauma councelling… Yet here we are 2 years later, still together… If we can get through the loss of a child… We can get through anything!

    Anyway our experience was with a close friend, who has been on the journey with us… My partner has known him for over 10 years and I’ve known him for 7 (met through my partner). My partner and I have often discussed having this fella involved in our fantasy threesome… (usually when we are in the heat of the moment… Lol) anyways the fantasy became a reality and my partner is closer to me than ever before… Last night he even took me out for dinner… This is the happiest experience we have had since the loss of our son… Not that we were unhappy before… But there has been a lot of sadness… Since our threesome we have spoken about it and my partner said that nothing has ever turned him on more than watching me have sex with another man… I, on the other hand have never felt so sexually alive… The fact that two guys were wanting me made me feel so sexy… I usually have low self confidence and self esteem… However I feel and look sexier now… Having the attention focused on me and knowing that they wanted me does amazing things for your self confidence… As much as I well and truly enjoyed the sex ;) my biggest turn on was feeling sexy and sexually alluring… We had all discussed boundaries and respected them… In this instance sex was sex and we had separated the dichotomy between love and sex… The other guy knows that nothing will ever tear me and my hubby apart… We were all willing participants!!! We didn’t do this to appease the other partner… This was something that we both wanted… My partner was happy that we chose to have his friend involved as he knows that his friend respects me and we all trust and respect each other… We know want to do it again… Our sex life after the fact has been amazing… And even i cant complain about how close weve become… We will always love each other and this is now our dirty little secret… :)

  11. R K said,

    I couldnt agree more, if your in a committed relationship then a threesome is a bad bad bad idea. My partner and i after being together for 18 months had a threesome. Id done it several times in the past with friends and had a great time with no problems so i figured it would be fine. And at the time it mostly was, but the next day insecurities started to creep into my head, not that they would see each other behind my back or anything like that, it was more feeling like my man felt better inside her than me. It had a huge effect on our sex life from that night onwards, i couldnt enjoy being with my patner anymore, i felt inadequate and insecure, worried he wasnt enjoying it ect ect ect. Then i started feeling like the strong sexual bond we had before was never what i thought it was, so all the amazing nights we had together in the past all of a sudden felt meaningless. Then the connection we had as two people in a relationship started to feel broken too. I felt like that one night seperated us emotionally and physically and its heart breaking because we had such a great connection before all this. Its all still fairly fresh but hopefully time will heal the damage done….Its truly not worth it

  12. Ric said,

    I feel obligated to comment, because there *is* another side.
    I’m deeply in love with the woman I’ve been with for over 2 years.
    She’s in love with me.
    We decided to try a threesome with another woman because we were both curious. She has no desire to be with two men; I explained I’d try it if she really wanted me to.
    We set rules in advance; no vaginal penetration of the other woman, and NO contact with the other woman on my part.
    We both found (all three found) we really enjoy this relationship. Although the third-party knows she’s a “sex-toy” for my gf and I, and my gf and I feel the same way about the third, it’s mutually beneficial to all.
    I feel the only way this can work is:
    -do your research before trying this; be aware of the potential issues.
    -set boundaries (no anal, no penetration, no mouth kissing the other, whatever your boundaries may be)
    -stick to those boundaries
    In my case, the two women had lunch to discuss all of these things before we ever got together. It saved awkwardness at the first get together.

    -Respect your partner’s wishes.

    We’ve enjoyed many multiple experiences over the past year; it’s my job to respect their boundaries, and it works well (within parameters). My gf enjoys another woman, other woman enjoys her, I get the pleasure of being with two beautiful, sexually creative women.

  13. Xpectbgthings said,

    I’m a married female, who was invited to participate in another married couples threesome. They want a threesome and one on ones.. The husband and I have been spending a lot if time together and talk on the phone everyday and hook up for our one on ones almost every week. We have not had the threesome yet nor have I had a one on one with the wife yet. Now, I really don’t want the threesome, I just want to continue to see the husband. His wife said its ok if I didn’t want her, the fact that I’m having sex with her husband is a turn on for her! My husband of course has no idea of what’s going on! I wouldn’t dare allow another woman in my bed and I can’t believe that I am doing this! Am I wrong for agreeing to the threesome and one on ones and now only wanting to have sex with husband?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

%d bloggers like this: